Old Dog, one of the things I've been proud of myself for lately has been standing up and saying when things are not working for me. I've done that pretty strongly for the most part, and the few times that I've wavered on it I've paid attention to that and gone to get some bolstering by people who I know support me.
Raliced, thanks for the vote of confidence. It is good to hear.
RPP, it's nice to see you back. Thank you also. Sometimes I have to recite my experience back to myself to remember not to sugarcoat it. I didn't like it at the time but I never felt the full weight of how uncared-for I was till all this and I started getting some perspective. For example, the trip where STBX took the Tylenol PM as soon as he sat in his seat across the aisle from my toddler and I on the redeye in first class. We were flying to Europe for my brother's wedding, and in preparation for it I'd bought one of those backpacks with the lightweight metal frame to carry the baby for places that wouldn't work with strollers. Do you know he did not ONCE carry the baby for the entire two week trip? I carried her the ENTIRE time -- except one day when my brother felt like someone ought to be helping me, and he took her. At the time it seemed natural to me. He said "That sort of thing doesn't work well with my back." (he's a perfectly healthy guy.)
So no, I didn't value myself enough or expect enough from him.
But I still loved him very much. Sometimes I had to work hard at it but I always hoped for better from him. And I always asked for what I wanted or needed; he just didn't feel willing or able to give it. (For example, I'd say I wanted more help at home and he'd send flowers and give me an evening of tidying up; then it was back to the same. Or I'd say I wanted more time together and he'd schedule a dinner out after I got the sitter; then it was back to video games and television).
I feel like now I see the truth. That he would throw me a bone if I complained enough, but for whatever reason he didn't want to take the trouble to be invested in the marriage. I guess he just wanted us to be Cinderella and Prince Charming for ever and ever with no effort.
Today the stager came and there is a TON of work to be done, as I expected. STBX had the boys this evening and it feels like he expects we're going to do things like we always did them as a married couple and I have to admit it feels confusing. He wants to feel like he's not such a bad guy, I guess. But good guys don't have multiple affairs. Good guys don't start an affair while their wife is negotiating a cross-country move for them. Good guys don't promise not to date when they've already been cruising Tinder. Good guys don't claim they want to be good fathers and then call their kids only once a week, and not let the mom know they're taking them out to dinner till after school has started for the day.
It confuses my heart, though. This pattern, of me doing all the work and him saying "Just let me know what you need!" in a friendly voice is familiar. It felt like good partnership at the time. It's hard to remind myself that this friendliness is superficial. HE LEFT ME. He has never once offered to help, no matter what emergency I've encountered since he's been gone. He's had to be nagged to make the three phone calls he has made. I have delegated him a job on this part of the house business and he has yet to do it. Good guys pull their weight. He can't be bothered.
I hate having a confused heart. It makes an ache.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
If there's a TON of work to be done, it seems that there's money to hire someone to do it. If all H's able to do is open his wallet and take out the credit card, then let him do that.
This isn't all your responsibility. Share the pain.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I did laugh at "share the pain." Sound advice to MB:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Stupid stbx wants a swap for a weekend that I made plans for. He says he needs this for international travel for work.
I probably will buckle and do the swap and try to figure out a childcare solution, but I am really, really angry. My plans are on the shared calendar because I thought he might try to pull this. I'm already accommodating him with a swap he wanted for a personal thing earlier in the same month.
I do not want to hire a sitter to be able to go on this outing. It's 60 miles away and will take up a whole Sunday. No, there is no family nearby to ask.
I feel like this is a boundary issue on my end. He was so angry with me about the proposed settlement because he wanted me to tell my lawyers to make sure he had enough (whatever he thinks that is). I haven't seen his revisions yet. He seems to think it's my job to take care of him. I do not want to do that anymore. God knows he does nothing to take care of me.
I have done more than enough for him. I don't want my kids to suffer because I want to keep my plans. But I have done more than enough for him. He Stinks.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You want to accommodate him against your desires because you're a Nice Girl who thinks that you owe it to the universe to meet the needs of other people so that yours are fulfilled. Your problem right now is this resentment at your STBX, which is eating at you, so I think you owe it to him to decline the swap. He'll kick and scream, be ready for it, but that's because you're changing the rules, setting your boundaries. He'll adapt and respect you for it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
This sounds like a rough situation to be in. I am waiting for this to happen to me in the future and I don't know exactly what I will do or say. Like you I am "nice" and would want to help out because after all it is time with your kids.
I know I am too much of a push over and would wonder what I would do if the roles were reversed to a point when I would need her to watch the kids. Some one with more experience with these issues will probably have a well thought out plan for such occasions.
Could you make it his problem to line everything up and pay for the child care so you can do what you have planned? If it is his weekend it should be his reponsibility.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Maybell, I've faced this same situation. What have you and others advised me? I had a day recently where I had a work commitment on the weekend, I had already cleared it with STBX, he decided to go away for the weekend and hired a babysitter to watch D for the day.
Or some language about this into your agreement. Don't stew in resentment. Where is the detached, confident MB that we've seen recently?
Work stuff comes up. Doesn't mean you have to cancel your plans and resent him OR be a b!Tch about it. Try this: "Oh, that's a bummer. If I could change my plans I would, but unfortunately I can't. "
Ask him if he has any thoughts about how to solve it, and perhaps you could offer that he can ask you if he needs help making arrangements. Don't just swoop in and save him. He is a big boy...
Why is this something you need to be angry about? He can ask. And you can say no. You don't have to be mad that he asked, right? And if he chooses to be mad that you said no...Well, that is not really your problem, right?
