Claire, I know you're going to be taking a Mindfulness course and when I read this today, I thought of you:
"Many of our escapes are involuntary: addiction and dissociating from painful feelings are two examples. Anyone who has worked with a strong addiction—compulsive eating, compulsive sex, abuse of substances, explosive anger, or any other behavior that’s out of control—knows that when the urge comes on it’s irresistible. The seduction is too strong. So we train again and again in less highly charged situations in which the urge is present but not so overwhelming. By training with everyday irritations, we develop the knack of refraining when the going gets rough. It takes patience and an understanding of how we’re hurting ourselves not to continue taking the same old escape route of speaking or acting out."-Pema Chodron
That's the practice.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug. .. you must be intuitive. You knew I needed to hear something as compassionate and growth - mindset - ish as this.
Dropping off my D at school this morning I saw STBX walking with a woman who seemed to be a coworker I've met. They always had a close friendship and it always made me uncomfortable. I pretended I didn't see him. My D saw him, though. What must that have been like for her? Daddy is someone you see on the street who doesn't notice you waving to him.
That was a bit tough. Though I have been expecting it, so at least when I hear it from him I won't be blindsided. Silver lining I guess. And he doesn't know I saw him.
It's not that your H is stupid or stubborn: if he sent you quotes and articles and books on how to be happy after D, you'd be just as closed off and probably offended. How about this: "D is like being born again; a second chance to grow and become your own person" Did it feel good? Well, he feels the same about "D is not the solution" kind of quotes. Emotionally, he's not open to any of this and none of these quotes would seem very insightful to him.
Welcome to Mozza's reframing masterclass.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
No, I'm not sure he saw her. It's totally possible he didn't. It was more like having a sad moment for my D... I wonder how it felt for her to see her dad walking down the street (rather than in her home when she wakes up). I didn't mean that he intentionally ignored her. If he did intentionally ignore her, it might have been because he would have been uncomfortable with me seeing him with this woman on his way to work. She's not someone random... she is someone he's known/been friends with since soon after we were married. ..and I often felt uncomfortable with their friendship. If they are in a relationship, at least I'll know my suspicions had a basis in reality.
I had a pang of sadness when my mind started spinning. ... thinking about how he was pining for this woman while we were married, thinking about how, if they end up together, they will likely have kids (she's much younger). But I'm trying to stay in the moment and be grateful for what I have. I don't even know for sure if they are dating. But he's got plenty of great qualities... and i hope he will find someone who can bring out the best in him.
Brought this from MB's closed thread. Ok, ok. What about this: divorce is often a sad thing, and it's reasonable for someone to feel sad about it, regardless of the circumstances.
The kernal of truth is, we have no control over what other's should or shouldn't feel or do. It's a losing proposition to get into that game. We can only know how we feel and use that to define what we need from ourselves and others.
A question: How would someone else feeling bad/guilty/sad/emabarrassed about something affect you, your life?
Are you walking through life trying to live up to everyone's expectations and not paying attention to you?
(Is that better? I am really trying, labug! ) :*)
Claire, you're right where you need to be and you're not a quitter. You keep coming back
We each have the answers inside us, we just need the courage to unearth them.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug, Thanks for checking in! Had a great time with friends. Also had some good reality checks: everyone's got their sh!t, and lots of people are unhappy (or maybe "under - happy" is a better term) in their relationships. What my H and I were dealing with was not at all unusual...and the fact that he just couldn't or wouldn't deal with it with me doesn't mean that no one will.
I also realized how much my outlook on myself and life has changed-- I am so much less concerned with what others think of me (these friends included), and so much more able to see the positives and enjoy my life.
So, It was relaxing and good to catch up, and also such a good chance to realize how far I've come.
I continue to be grateful to MWD and the generous souls on this forum, especially people like you, labug, (and maybell, too! And so many others!) Who make me feel sane and keep me in check and make me feel less alone in this journey.
The sun is shining, spring is here, I have a beautiful daughter who makes me smile. It's all good. Thanks.
