TLEE86. Part III

[Calibri]

I did bring up the topic of the lasting changes a few days ago. I did because I wonder how real my changes would be, whether I would revert to old habits once back in a relationship. I did also because I could recognize my impatience in your past reactions to your W, knowing how these knee jerk reactions are hard to control.

I'm afraid tonight's experience was concerning for your changes. You already noted that. I've read about will (yes, as in sheer will) before and learnt that we have very little of it every day and that it can't be wasted, nor relied upon. So two things worry me about your promises of changes. First is that they seem to rely on sheer will, but at the same time, these promises are made under great stress, when your thinking is clouded by stress and fear. Second is that your promises are too categorical. It seems to lack a degree of awareness that we can't quite know how we'll always react in the future. So try to think of the mechanisms by which you'll stick to your changes once routine is back. Remember that you can't anticipate al the buttons your WW will push, and she will push them, so your responsibility is to react differently.

At this point, I almost hope that your W will tel you she just can't and that wil give both of you the time you really need to reflect in the M and yourselves. I'd say that you both need a little more of this gift of time.

Agree 100% with Mozza. Of course, all of us want the opportunity to work out the R with our spouses -- but I think you BOTH have to grow, and from the interactions, you both have shown that there is still room to grow. Knee jerk reactions about facebook posts, blocking on facebook -- etc.

Tim, you are going to have to put aside W for a second and work on yourself. And as Mozza points out, we will never know what buttons our spouses will push. And I know what you are thinking, "well, if I'm not talking to her, working on reconciling, etc, how will I know if I can react differently?" Because I thought the same thing. I use the few opportunities that I have with H, the best I can, but I've learned to filter my reactions into my everyday life. I've almost eliminated my road rage from suggestions in this forum. Next I'm working on keeping my opinions about people who annoy me to myself. I'm starting with a new therapist tomorrow and we are working on how to express my anger in a way that is healthy for myself and respectful to others around me. While I'm not directly interacting with H, these are things that make me a better person, regardless of what happens to our marriage.

I really, really, think you need to stop looking at your W as a mission -- as someone to be won back, and look at the bigger picture. Who is Tim? Why has he acted this way? What triggers your anger? Really -- what about being blocked on FB and the picture angered you? Was it because you didn't have access to your W? Was it because she was doing something that you didn't approve of? Was it because your feelings were hurt and you lashed out because your feelings were hurt. These are the things you need to focus on and process, not.....W come home and fix this.

And I also agree with GG, if she says its done/no/i don't know, then it's time to start acting as if, and getting out there and moving forward. It's time to step out of the stagnant, nasty water that you're sitting in....regardless of what she says.