So the WAS of yours checked the waters and made sure you still love her and wants her back.
She said many things about the R, but did not commit to anything. She left you because many of your issues, but in her selfishness she is not seeing that she was not doing things for herself either, and that her happiness always need to come from you.
The question is why is she doing this? Sometimes it sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. She sounds like a baby doll looking for the soup opera romance.
The way I see it. You don't want to lose her and her love for you, so in some ways you can't see how are your reactions viewed by her point of view. You may think you are not showing to be needy, but that is what she can probably see. You may not be aggressive anymore, but maybe she sees some passive aggression.
So, lets start from the beginning, who are you talking to to get some help? Are you seeing an IC to get your emotions in place?
What does T wants from the R? The journal is not a bad thing in my opinion. But it is best used when the R is a happy place. Your R is on the rocks, so what good it will do if there is some word that will be misunderstood?
I wish it was easier, but she has the ball on her court and she can manipulate the situation as she wants right now. The fear of losing her is pushing her away.
Is she calling you everyday yet? If so, what is your timeline to be friendly and then give her some cold so she will miss you.
First rule of fight club...do no think, mention, image, or any of all those toughs of ghosts that you create in your mind about OM. First, if she was really trying something new, then she would not be in contact with you everyday.
She may have an informal R with him. Maybe it happen because you were away, she was lonely and bang, happen. Got her confused, and mainly ashamed of her actions, then she split and now she is trying to figure it out what happen and what is happening.
So, it could be this or that, but a the end it's not up to you to guess what is going on in her mind. It's up to you to work on yourself. It's up to you to give yourself some space and discover who you really are, what you really want, who you want to be in six months, a year, 5 years.
What you think it would happen if you do not answer her call or text for two or three days? If you are not so available for her? Do you feel that she misses you?
Do you have facebook? Does she has facebook? You could post some cool pictures having fun. You don't need to go overboard, it could be with your dogs during a walk... but something to show you are moving forward with your life.
You are not sure about her R with this OM, are there any friend that you could talk that knows her and may know if she goes out with this guy, or if she stays in his place?
Ranger... what are the weapons you are using in this war?
T, when I read your posts it seems you are all over the place and no direction. T needs a plan, a logistic plan. Try to think about who is your W, what attracted her to you in the first place. Share your plans of action with us and we will try to storm it with you.
Like me, you need to do a lot of homework to get the lesson understood, but with the help of many experts in these boards we will get there. By the way, are you blond, dark hair... color of your eyes? I picture you very gorgeous, young and a big nice smile.
All- thank you so much for your kind words and responses- I will get back to you soon.
Long story short, I gave W an ultimatum today. Either come home or we can start finalizing things. She said she'll answer me by tomorrow.
There is a laundry list of reasons why I did that, not really going to go into detail right now. But its time to either [censored] or get off the pot. Personally i feel that with W's serious indecisive nature, she will never make up her mind until forced to.
I don't think i will get the answer I want, probably more of a ..."Im sorry T, I just cant."
But oh well. Enough is enough.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Just curious: What will you do if she says "I can't" then comes back in a couple of weeks or months as says "I changed my mind"? It seems like a possible scenario.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Gg- I know if it ends the limbo it might be a good thing. But giving her an ultimatum is not necessarily the best thing to do either, I'm starting to regret my decision already =/ Thank you for telling me that its not the end until i decide when that is. Sometimes i feel like I'm already there, but I'm not sure at this point.
Mozza- I don't know. Thats the best answer i have right now. I really don't know. Interesting question.
------ So a little background on what happened. W changed her FB profile pic to her and OM's kid. And she blocked me on FB. My immediate reaction and thought was...wtf. We were talking for real about you coming back this past weekend, and now you block me and change your picture to that? I overreacted and got really upset and blew up her phone and gave her an ultimatum, which she is supposed to answer tomorrow.
Right now, Ive talked to a couple people, and am regretting my decision. Am i right to be upset? Yea. But picking THIS fight, this fight over a picture? It was not of her and OM, but her and his kid. Yes, it still hurts, but in the end, like someone called me out and said...I picked a fight over a FB profile picture. That didnt even include OM. And she blocked me yes. But I blocked her first a week ago and then unblocked her.
Knee jerk reaction by me. Picking a dumb fight. I actually talked to DB coach 2 days ago. And was warned that when W gets closer to coming home, she will test me, push my buttons and DB coach asked me "what buttons will she push?" Well she got me. and failed. miserably. i acted pretty typical T, blowing up her phone, getting angry over dumb things. And gave my WIFE an ultimatum over a PICTURE. Im such an idiot.
I was going to apologize to her tonight, but did not for the following reasons
1. She is probably expecting me to say something back to her tonight (breaks the pattern if i don't) 2. This forces her to really think for the first time of what she really wants to do (I've already told her multiple times, if she wants a life there, just say the words and I'm done) 3. I will see what she says tomorrow, and apologize first and say sorry for overreacting (not necessarily that I'm in the wrong, but i should have handled it better) 4. Im still pretty hurt over it, i know its a dumb reason to pick a fight, of all things i could be upset about, but it still [censored] to see. ----- I don't think W will say anything tomorrow at all. I still believe she is incapable of making a decision. But i have learned, as someone wisely pointed out, that when pushed and pushed, i still resort to old habits. I still have not completely changed. and still have some growing to do.
We will see what she says tomorrow, if anything. I am praying pretty hard tonight. Thank you all so much for your kind responses and reading through my posts that as Pink said, am literally al over the place. =/
Last edited by TLEE86; 04/13/1504:56 AM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
I did bring up the topic of the lasting changes a few days ago. I did because I wonder how real my changes would be, whether I would revert to old habits once back in a relationship. I did also because I could recognize my impatience in your past reactions to your W, knowing how these knee jerk reactions are hard to control.
I'm afraid tonight's experience was concerning for your changes. You already noted that. I've read about will (yes, as in sheer will) before and learnt that we have very little of it every day and that it can't be wasted, nor relied upon. So two things worry me about your promises of changes. First is that they seem to rely on sheer will, but at the same time, these promises are made under great stress, when your thinking is clouded by stress and fear. Second is that your promises are too categorical. It seems to lack a degree of awareness that we can't quite know how we'll always react in the future. So try to think of the mechanisms by which you'll stick to your changes once routine is back. Remember that you can't anticipate al the buttons your WW will push, and she will push them, so your responsibility is to react differently.
At this point, I almost hope that your W will tel you she just can't and that wil give both of you the time you really need to reflect in the M and yourselves. I'd say that you both need a little more of this gift of time.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I did bring up the topic of the lasting changes a few days ago. I did because I wonder how real my changes would be, whether I would revert to old habits once back in a relationship. I did also because I could recognize my impatience in your past reactions to your W, knowing how these knee jerk reactions are hard to control.
I'm afraid tonight's experience was concerning for your changes. You already noted that. I've read about will (yes, as in sheer will) before and learnt that we have very little of it every day and that it can't be wasted, nor relied upon. So two things worry me about your promises of changes. First is that they seem to rely on sheer will, but at the same time, these promises are made under great stress, when your thinking is clouded by stress and fear. Second is that your promises are too categorical. It seems to lack a degree of awareness that we can't quite know how we'll always react in the future. So try to think of the mechanisms by which you'll stick to your changes once routine is back. Remember that you can't anticipate al the buttons your WW will push, and she will push them, so your responsibility is to react differently.
At this point, I almost hope that your W will tel you she just can't and that wil give both of you the time you really need to reflect in the M and yourselves. I'd say that you both need a little more of this gift of time.
Agree 100% with Mozza. Of course, all of us want the opportunity to work out the R with our spouses -- but I think you BOTH have to grow, and from the interactions, you both have shown that there is still room to grow. Knee jerk reactions about facebook posts, blocking on facebook -- etc.
Tim, you are going to have to put aside W for a second and work on yourself. And as Mozza points out, we will never know what buttons our spouses will push. And I know what you are thinking, "well, if I'm not talking to her, working on reconciling, etc, how will I know if I can react differently?" Because I thought the same thing. I use the few opportunities that I have with H, the best I can, but I've learned to filter my reactions into my everyday life. I've almost eliminated my road rage from suggestions in this forum. Next I'm working on keeping my opinions about people who annoy me to myself. I'm starting with a new therapist tomorrow and we are working on how to express my anger in a way that is healthy for myself and respectful to others around me. While I'm not directly interacting with H, these are things that make me a better person, regardless of what happens to our marriage.
I really, really, think you need to stop looking at your W as a mission -- as someone to be won back, and look at the bigger picture. Who is Tim? Why has he acted this way? What triggers your anger? Really -- what about being blocked on FB and the picture angered you? Was it because you didn't have access to your W? Was it because she was doing something that you didn't approve of? Was it because your feelings were hurt and you lashed out because your feelings were hurt. These are the things you need to focus on and process, not.....W come home and fix this.
And I also agree with GG, if she says its done/no/i don't know, then it's time to start acting as if, and getting out there and moving forward. It's time to step out of the stagnant, nasty water that you're sitting in....regardless of what she says.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Great advices from Mozza, GG and Calibri. Women do not like too much mellow man, but we really run away from the ones that have chick fit and explode without thinking.
So, how you will deal with it now? I think that first you need to let go on what just happened. You can't change the whole blow. But, you can pick yourself up and learn from your own mistakes.
If you go back on some of the success stories, the Vets stories, you will read a bunch of mistakes done by them. We all make some mistakes because we are in a situation we don't want to be. We want everything resolved by tomorrow.
But it is not going to happen and you already know it. You don't want to go crazy with all this. You want a healthy R that will bring joy into your life.
If your goal is to rescue your M, then sit alone sometime and think how you can get there. For sure it's not screaming on the phone. If you read the DB and DR books, you know what Michelle said about the LBS caring the heavy lift. It's unfair but it's what we need to do if we want to use the techniques that work.
I made many mistakes, got many 2x4s on my head, cried a lot with unnecessary pain, and I am finally learning some lessons.
How do you miss someone T? Maybe distance is not always your enemy. It gives time and space for our partners to think about what they are losing. Instead of feeling the fear, the loneliness, the emptiness, why not let your W thirsty for your attention again?
Be patient, be gentle with yourself, take sometime and breath. It will all be better tomorrow. Do not do anything now that you can regret later, so let time go by.
And, most important, do some GAL for yourself. Force yourself to new things, meet some people, even if it is just one at a time. You will feel better, you will look better, you may not take notice, but you will sound better, happier.
Hang in there. It was one battle, but you need energy for the entire war. Don't beat yourself up.
