Kramer's Journey

[labug]

I read your response to me on our previous thread. The post I read about the negotiation aspect didn't clearly state that she refused to negotiate.

Be careful about mindreading.

Be who you want to be through this.

Do you know who that is?

That's your ticket off the roller coaster and to the high road.

I am confused by your post. What mindreading? I asked her to negotiate with me, and she never responded. Should I have contacted her a second or third time with the same message? I am so confused about communication in general. Such a fine line between pursuing, aloofness, and healthy detachment.

I want to be the person with morals, compassion, dedication, and honesty. I do not want to be vindictive, but also need to protect myself in the legal process. I do not want to cut off all communication, but do not want to come across as needy or wimpy.

Can you help me with that?

Mindreading:

Read Cadet's response about negotiation.

and,

First, she absolutely DID NOT want to negotiate. She wanted me to take on all of the debt and keep our own retirements.

Was that her opening offer? Did you counter? Ot did she say "I'm not negotiating."

She knew that I was emotional, and have always been non-confrontational, and wanted to use that against me.

Mindreading or you know that for a fact?

I did not want to get lawyers involved. My wife filed papers and had me served. I had to formulate a response. I sent wife email asking her to sit down and mediate things, but she never responded. She was hoping (my thoughts) that I would miss response deadline and her proposals would be final by default.

You say above "my thoughts" which is you mindreading her.

When we mindread other people we usually do it from the place of what we would do or feel were we in their shoes. At that point you're no longer dealing with a real person, you're dealing with the person you've created in your mind.

I bring this up because you say one thing but do another. Being honest with yourself is a good place to start. In some way you wanted to move this along, so you contacted and attorney and didn't say "File for extension, I need more time to think." You said "Respond" or words to that effect.

In terms of your marriage it might not matter a hill of beans at his point but when we react out of emotion we often end up in a place we don't want to be. Again, slow down and think.

My initial consultation with lawyer ended with his advice to do this ourselves, since it is so straightforward. Her non-response to that proposal is what led to my action.

As far as slowing down, that's what I am trying to do. I do not want this divorce, and have told my lawyer to take his time with the process, while not impeding things or causing any legal issues.

What does "while not impeding things" mean to you?