Wife Still in MLC but now left #9

[dejavu2]

I had a really hard time going thru the early teenage stages as it is a time of trying to identify who you are. A natural part of the process is to compare yourself to your same sex parent. I am sure your D is looking at your W as someone who she doesn't respect and doesn't want to grow up to emulate. It is tough when the a parent you looked up to has disappointed you so greatly.
Continue to be there for her. Keep communication open and give her quiet moments with you so that she can speak up if she feels like it.

W has messed up, but you need to move forward. Dwelling on her mess up only leaves you stagnate. She is not the same woman (and I know you want the old woman back) - but she isn't coming back any time soon. This is the new reality.

I think it is great that you took 4 teenage girls shopping! I loathe shopping as a hobby for teenagers (I would prefer the girls to be active with sport or around their ponies); however shopping is an important part of being a teenager and fitting in. I do support my girls going shopping. Your daughter needs to spend time with her friends. It is important she is able to just laugh and relax, too. Well done for being so patient! Is it possible to arrange a sleepover with any of the girls at yours?

Your children will never completely understand the financial sacrifice you are going thru; however they will always remember your love and the time you took with them. Which is far more important.

What's next for YOU?!

[Matt165]

I now know that my STBXW has lost all thought about anything but herself. She is a scheming horrible person who will lie to me without a 2nd thought. I've been working so hard trying to help both of us get out of the IRS sitch in the best shape possible. I even made sure that I told them that I was responsible for doing the taxes (I was responsible for EVERYTHING) so I would be more "at fault" because it was the honest thing. Last week she was supposed to come over and do the taxes. I had everything ready but she called and cancelled at the last min. Now, she was supposed to come to my (our old) home yesterday and do the taxes as we are running out of time. She didn't show in the AM and texted that she wanted to meet and do the taxes at a restaurant! I told her my laptop doesn't hold a charge and I need to plug it in. She refused to come over. She was supposed to have bought Turbo Tax and she hadn't.

I told her to just come over. If that wasn't good, I would go to her. She didn't want to do that either. I told her I'd meet her, get her info and do the hard work and then meet her today and go over everything before I filed them. She got angry and said why don't I give her MY info and she can do it and then go over it....like she didn't want to give me any info! I said she never did it before and my stuff was more complicated. She insisted that was the way as she refused to do it any other. So, I relented thinking I would fix the mistakes she would surly make because she is awful at this stuff.

Today I get a call that she is at HR Block getting the taxes done! Without me there! She couldn't do it alone but refused to let me. She refused to come to me for God knows what reason, afraid to visit her old home? She texted me from the office 10 times needing info and when I asked her why she didn't tell me so I could be there, she said it was "last min" and just did it. Now she is ignoring me when I told her she has to sign a paper so I can get a hearing with the IRS. She is a horrible person, intent on messing up what could be an easy hearing where we end up having very little to pay back because she wants to be an ass. She even called from HR B and asked for D15's SS#. I gave it to her and asked if she needed D19's. She says no because she doesn't live with either of us anymore. WRONG, she didn't leave until late in the year and was in HS most of 2014! She almost screwed us out of a major deduction because she doesn't know what she is doing! I swear, if she screws up the IRS thing where I've been told that if we do things right we could come out not owing much, I swear I am done ever caring about her in any way. I'm done with compassion.

This is what I think happened, she talked to her father and friends and they all said how I was going to screw her over. That she shouldn't trust me. That I will make her pay to get back at her and she believes it. She, of course see's everyone as like her......selfish and out for them self. She can feel any way she wants, she can do anything she wants with her own life, I really don't care. This IRS thing is the last tie (other than the kids) to our old lives. I really need her to cooperate one last time. It's in her best interest as well as mine. I don't care what she thinks of me, what she does or doesn't do (as long as it doesn't hurt my kids). This is such a stressful thing to go through, her making it worse is just another way she has screwed me over.

I want my life back and to do that I need her cooperation one last time. Once the IRS thing is over with, no matter the outcome, I am totally done with her except when it comes to our D's. I not only know that she will NEVER be a "happy" person, that destroying our M and Family will do nothing positive for her. I know that she is going to end up either alone or with someone that is so damaged that they will put up with her narcissism and need to blame others for her own inability to cope. She really never appreciated all I did for her. What I did for our family. Looking back, I deserved better. My kids deserved better. After her grandfather died and her father said he wanted to make up for all the bad he did, that was all that mattered to her. It was more important than her M, her family, her kids. It was the beginning of her MLC and the end of my M in slow motion. It was the cause of her first depression and her fathers cancer was the start of her MLC. She trusts people who have hurt her or that hardly know her and mistrusts those who have loved her and always been there for her like me and her mother. Even her D self-harming isn't enough to make her stop and look at what she is doing.

I don't need any more stress in my life. I now understand that until my W is totally out of my life she will always find ways to make my life more stressful. I see no way that someone as damaged as she now is can ever be anything but a minus in anyone's life, especially mine as she has decided that not those that have truly hurt her all her life are to blame for her unhappiness but that me, the person who loved her, took care of her when she needed me to, who tried to be the best H and father I could, is the cause. I actually pity any person who ends up in a R with her. I need to do all I can to help my D's cope with the crap she keeps dumping on them. Until now I didn't see her as the "enemy" but as someone who is in crisis and just trying to find her way. Now I think I need to just expect her to do anything she can to hurt me. That is just so sad but it is the only way I'm going to be able to escape from her trail of destruction.

OK, vent is over. I now need to find a way to work around the fact that my W will not cooperate on the IRS problem. This is number one job for me!

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

They are totally irrational. It does not even take anyone else feeding them ideas. They will just be irrational. She will think you are out to get her and cause her trouble even if it is totally out of character for you. I don't have much advice at this point but to push to get the divorce finalized so you can be responsible only for yourself and not her until or if ever her head clears up and she starts to be rational again. My wife accused me of trying to be real low this weekend without finding out the facts. i called on this and set her straight. This may not be possible for your wife right now as she is still very deep into her MLC.

[dejavu2]

Matt - On Saturday I found a letter from the IRS in the post! I laughed and thought of you as I opened it. Letters from the IRS aren't typically a good thing. H has been negligent in getting taxes filed, so last year I stepped up to sort out the mess. It seems anything with a process around it becomes a point of procrastination for H.

Maybe there is a trend to the tax avoidance and midlife crisis!

Your W probably realises this is her last big connection with you. She is not interested in being agreeable, nor does she care about consequences. It is the last chance she has to "show you" her independence. She might actually gain more by messing up the taxes - she keeps you engaged with her. Keep pushing to get the IRS stuff resolved. A bit more debt may be worth it to get your emotional space from her.

[Matt165]

Thanks LT and deju,
Independence. She wants to show her independence is exactly what my teenage D's did and are doing. That is a normal part of the human growth process. I now realize that MLCers are like teenagers but with the power to destroy everything in their path. The destruction they all reek upon us LBS's is exactly what would happen if teenagers had the same power as a 40 something year old adult. I can't imagine how much damage I would have done when I was 15-17 years old if I had had the power to destroy my family like my W does. MLC is like they are going through adolescence all over again and we LBS's are mom or dad. What a horrible way to live your life. Of course what a horrible thing to have to experience for LBS as well!

I have decided that I will do what I must. If she won't listen, so be it. I will tell the IRS that I have tried to cooperate with her but she has refused, make my own deal and leave her in the dust if I have to. The problem is that without her cooperation the odds are I won't get any where near the deal I would with it. I can't let her screw this up for me! I will try my best and that's all I can do.

Wish me luck people. Pray I can get her to do one last thing right and then I will leave her to do whatever she wants with the time she has left in her life!

[2BHappy]

Matt,

You have tried to work with your W on this IRS matter. Hopefully HRB did a great job with the taxes, you will need to sign it, unless W filed married filing separatley?

If needed contact HRB and IRS directly to see what you need/should do now.

Like you said focus on getting the IRS issues resolved ASAP.

[Matt165]

Hi 2B,
Went today and signed at W's house. Low and behold, her daddy is back! I should have guessed. His being around is all it takes to make her act out. It also tells me why she has been pushing to get the last D stuff paid and out of the way. He is going to make this so much harder than it should be! God, I just can't believe the amount of power that man has over her. The worst part of all this is I did mess up the taxes. I made a mistake that was stupid and short sighted. But I can't go back in time and fix it. All I can do is the best I can now to fix it. I admitted it was my fault. I have done everything in my power to fix it and have done ALL the work trying to fix it but now W has a REAL reason to spew at me. You know I actually felt really bad about making a mistake but you know what, I'm human. I realize now that for several years before B-day I felt like I HAD to be perfect since every little thing I would do that W thought was "wrong" I would hear about it. I would than think "Oh, man, she's right, I really messed that up" and it really did a number on my self-esteem. I stated to avoid doing things at all because if I didn't do them the "right" way, I would get pounded by her.

Wow, a bit of a break-through there. I never used to be the kind of person who was timid about anything. Now I see that I became timid because I didn't want to be told how I messed up....AGAIN. That needs to be addressed. I have to be conscious of times where I start to fall into that trap still.

I guess that's part of our journey. We get to make these discoveries about ourselves and start to fix our own problem areas. Too bad that MLCers can't do the same. If only they could admit to their own self that they may have acted in ways that contributed to things being "unhappy". I'm guessing that's what couples who don't have one suffering with MLC do to learn how to save a M. They are able to look at what they may have done and in that way learn that their S is just a flawed human like they are. If only they could do that so many M"s could be saved and so much pain could be avoided!

[braveheart]

Matt, you need to understand something fast. You cannot fix them or help them. Don't even try! You offered, she refused, no problem! Let her fend for herself. The less contact you have with her, the better you will be. OK, you made a mistake in filing the taxes.... I'm not sure you are as much at fault as you are telling. If I understood you correctly, you W at the time failed to claim the proper deductions. Anyway, let her do whatever. Take a step back and look at things, every time you get around her or talk to her, this is what happens. Save yourself a lot of pain and aggrivation and simply stay away from her.

[Matt165]

Hello to all my friends here on the forum,
Today was one of the worst days yet in this nightmare that my life has become. I spoke with my D15 today about her cutting. When she and I spoke the first time about it, I was careful not to over-react. I was afraid that if I made too big a deal out of it, it could make her feel worse. I stayed calm, I let her know that I was there for her. I purposely didn't freak out or get angry. Well, it seems that wasn't the way I should have gone. When I spoke with her the first time, inside I was screaming "I love you, don't hurt yourself like this", what I said was that she needed to find ways to cope, to get help dealing with the pain she was feeling. Ways that didn't involve hurting herself. I stayed calm, even, tried to be the "rock".

Well, she said she felt I wasn't taking it seriously enough. That she felt I wasn't understanding just how hard it was for her. She told me that she started down the path to cutting when her mother started her MLC. (she didn't say it that way but the time she said it started for her was the same time her mother bombed me and started acting out). She said that at one point she felt like killing herself and the only reason she didn't was because she knew how much that would hurt me and she was afraid of what I would do if she had. I told her that I held back because I didn't want to make it worse, to make her feel even worse by seeing how hurt I was that she was in so much pain. I told her that we were family and family means I would always be there for her no matter what. She said that to her family doesn't mean that. Her mother is family and she was never there, she always felt judged by her. She also said she has been able to talk to her mother about her cutting and not me because she felt I was "sweeping it under the rug" because I didn't react with much emotion, while her mother cried and told her she loved her.

D15 also told me that she wants to spend her school weeks at her mothers and weekends with me as she feels like she has no "stability" going one week with her mom and one week with me. The thing is I agree with her that that is too hard. I didn't want that but it was the only way her mother would agree to arrange custody. There are only six more weeks of school left. I know that her living right accross the street from her school is a big reason for her wanting to be there and not 30 miles away with me. I also know that the fact that her mom leaves her alone and she doesn't have supervision is also a big reason. I don't know what to do. Do I allow her to have more say in her life or do I insist that she stay with me equal amounts as her mother. I don't know what to do.

She said that she knows she can count on me to be there for her whenever she needs me. That I put nothing ahead of her like her mother does with just about everything. That at the same time she was going thru this I was also going thru a really hard time in my own life. She knows that one of the biggest reasons I tried so hard to make my M work was so she wouldn't have to go thru what she has been the last year. I'm starting to see that while she won't admit it, part of the reason she cut herself was to get her mothers attention. She had my attention already. She knew and knows I care. It was her mother and her saying how D won't hurt her, that she'll be fine, in fact D15 will be better because she will see that her mother will be happy that kind of bull that made D15 feel unloved.

I want to shake my W and ask her how she can live with the fact that she stuffed so much pain down her own D's throat that she cut her flesh open trying to get it out. The scars are so very deep and they are all up her arm and she will have them for the rest of her life! How do you live with yourself, how do you not feel guilt from knowing your selfishness caused that? I know that right now my W is giving D15 more attention than she had but I already see it wearing off a bit. She is still so deep into her own selfishness that I know she won't keep it up. I have always understood that to be a good parent I would need to give up some of the things I wanted at least until the kids were old enough to take care of them self. That that just comes with being a parent. My W never did this. She has since the start of her MLC ignored what was best for them and only cared about what she wanted. This is what happens when you do that.

I'm angry at my W. I'm hurt that my D15 thought I was just sweeping things under the rug. I hate that there was nothing I could do to get my W to understand that D DOES hurt kids. That I couldn't find a way to save my M and save my d all this pain. Today my D went back to stay with her mom. We met at MIL's house. All my W wanted to talk about was can I bring this or that from the house and do I mind if she takes this or that. She is still acting like a spoiled child and not caring about the damage she is causing. I just don't know what to do. I can't seem to find the right way to deal with my D15. I also have so much other stuff that I'm trying to get right from my new job to the IRS to just affording to live.

I feel like I'm losing my D15. That no matter what I do it's the wrong thing. I am so worried that she is counting on her mother to do what she says she will do and I know from experience that W can't be counted on. I see D15 thinking that maybe her mom will now listen to her better and be there for her and I don't think that will happen and I fear what D15's reaction will be when W doesn't come through. And in all of it I can't do a damn thing except wait and pick up the pieces when the sh!t hits the fan.

I love my D so much and to see her go from such a together, loving child to the way she is now and know that she is as much a victim of her mom's MLC as I am is so hard. And I don't see any way to help her except to keep doing what I have done all her life...love her and be there for her whenever she needs except now she is away from me more than 1/2 the time and I can't be there half as much as used to. She really needs me more not less but my hands are tied and I don't know what to do. UGH! I hate feeling so helpless!

[Joe46]

I'm sorry for what you are going through Matt. I know about feeling helpless with things our kids are going through. Your D is at that age when all kinds of things start changing. On top of that she is dealing with issues with her mom. As dad's we hope we know how to handle these things. We just do the best we can. I did the same thing with my S when he was cutting. I thought he just needed to know I was there for him and that I loved him. He did appreciate that. I never knew what the right thing was to do. It is hard. I relied alot on God.