Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Pyrite]

Sadly I have my friend. It is ALL I could do after BD. I actually had to be steered out of it. Maybe it really was destructive. I rode myself into the ground listing all of the things I DID wrong.

If only I had been stronger etc. Her reaction (for the most part anyway) is just typical human response, and is forgivable.

When I joined here I was stuck in the position that I couldn't forgive myself. Following one of your earlier threads which included about the ego driven resentment-feedback I realised that this was what I was doing in my M towards the end. And that ego problem has actually screwed things my whole life. And it was in no small part nurtured by my father (who is an ego-maniac BTW).

So forgiving myself became plausible for the first time since BD. Growth from recognising all these things became plausible. And they were not just destructive.

I absolutely want a healthy M and a real R, not a Stepford wife.

My W would never be on here. She screams that she has never done anything wrong in our M. There have been moments when she has acknowledged different things, but basically I think she is a typical WAS. She was RIGHT, she doesn't need to learn anything. Just replace the R.

There must be cases where the LBS didn't do anything wrong.
There must be cases where the WAS didn't do anything wrong.
There must be cases where the LBS or the WAS shared the wrong doing 50/50.
Most cases are probably somewhat "greyer" than this.

Ideally we would all be expert DBers, and relationships would be supported by 2 partners, equally as flexible and supportive etc. Accepting 100% of the blame for the failure of the M is irrelevant, not healthy, blah, blah. I can't say whether I was 50% responsible, 80, 90, 99, even 100. And really this is irrelevant. Whatever her part was, is nothing I can help.

I DO accept 100% responsibility for my part in the failure of the M, however much that was.

I could achieve absolute "Dalai Lama" status and respond with 10s all the time, no matter what she gave me. Would that be a healthy R? No way. At some point the S is responsible.

I had NO say in how our kids were fed, or put to sleep etc as babies. If I even suggested (very nicely) that we tried this technique or that then I was shouted down. "How dare I question her instincts as a mother." Is that an acceptable situation? How often should I replay a 10 and not let it get to me.

This is in no way avoiding responsibility for my part in the M breakdown. Replaying with a 1 or 2 is disrespectful and unforgivable. There is no justification for this. So for how long do you keep playing higher cards and suffering this before you say "the marriage is over!".

My response to 3 and 4 was eventually to replay with 1 and 2. Her response to this was OM. So my aim now is to never get to this point of being the sort of person that resorts to playing a 1 or a 2. This DOES mean in reality that the other person has to be somewhat on the same page, BUT we dont know this upfront. We dont really know how we will react to an unknown future, let alone another person. So all we can do is be best prepared, ourselves.

sorry dont even have time to reread my ramblings.