Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Zues126]

Thanks Py. Yes, it's an interesting way to reflect. I'm curious about what your W would say if she had written this.

That's neither here nor there. What is? For one, I thinks it's time you write out what your 1 and 2 types of behaviors were. You still haven't spelled it out. I think it's important that you do.

I used porn throughout my M.
I pressured my W to do things sexually she didn't want to, at times she didn't want to.
I punished her with the cold shoulder when I didn't approve of her behavior.

It stinks to write but it is true. I could go on about how rejected or neglected I felt, how terribly I felt she treated me, etc...but that doesn't matter for this step. What's important is that I admit exactly what my destructive behavior looks like and commit to extracting that from my deck. PERIOD.

There's more but I think that's a good start. The bad news is that there's no way to play the game that guarantees you'll get what you want in your next R. Just the same that DB doesn't guarantee we'll save the M. It's very hard for us perfectionists and control freaks, but we really can't control other people. I say that because I can hear you thinking "Well, if she wasn't treating me well, what COULD I have done?!?!?"

And the answer is not much. You MUST continue to treat her lovingly to be the man you want to be for YOU. And you can do MANY things in terms of DBing (doing what works, trying new approaches, etc.). But the reality is that almost all M's work because at some point people appreciate what they have, not because they get just what they want. So there's probably nothing you could've done to get her to treat you the way you wanted. The same will hold to your next R. Do you want to surf through M's looking for the dream woman? Abuse the *(&#* out of her trying to force her to be the person you want to be? Or just suffer a bit at times, but choose to appreciate her and have someone to hold hands with in your old age? Sorry, life's tough, that's kind of how it works.

So- what DID you do? And are you prepared for a disappointing M or is your strategy still to hope your next W just happens to be perfect?