Breakfast was productive. I am glad I did not wait in purgatory. And I got my answers and no I didn't like them, but since we hadn't ever talked about it - I needed that and am glad he was honest. I recorded the convo and went back and listened tonight. And the day ended with one of the strangest human interactions I've ever had from another human being, pretty hysterical actually.
V, you are right on point about all. I got these gems from H:
"I did care about our M, I did mean everything I said, it was always my goal to make you happy. I meant all those things. But you being so angry over the errand was the straw that broke the camels back. That's what I meant when I said I hope it was worth it to you."
"I think you wanted to cause me to do this. I think people need to understand how subconsciously they want to be treated. (OMG are you serious??) No, I'm not saying you wanted me to treat you like this. But what did you expect."
"I know it was wrong, I've been talking to people about it. I didn't apologize because I just didn't care at that point, wasn't interested, I'm done with apologizing to you."
"No...it's not that I don't believe people should have expectations of each other or be able to express anger. But I just can't deal with your emotions. You trigger this stuff in me."
"No, I don't remember ever saying stuff about wanting to see other people when I came home. No, I don't think I said that. No, I don't remember that either about "not trying to divorce you just yet. No, I never thought about being out of this M, I was trying all along."
"Yeah, maybe if you had let it blow over. That was my version of dedication. I thought we would just be miserable like that and that would be our lives and I would be steadfast whether we talked about anything or not. Our counselor told you I process slowly, I wasn't ready to think or talk about it. (in response to whether or not he needed me to be the bad guy)...no he would have never called it, he said. (In truth, he didn't before BD the first time, either. Just became withdrawn and nasty and man I beat myself up for how I reacted.)
"The timing was eerie that you kicked me out the day I picked up the check. It made me think you were in it for the $. I have that paranoia, too, you know. (I told him I'd have let it blow over if that was the case. WTF. We talked about it that none of it was legally touchable in the event of a D - what was he talking about?) IDK, just seemed strange. NO, I promise this had nothing to do with the settlement, no that wasn't my motivation. But it did enable me to not be here when I didn't want to anymore."
"No, I don't see me as a victim. But you kicked me out. No, I'm not saying you didn't have good reason to, but you haven't left me a lot of room to make any other choices."
"No, I haven't considered how you felt. I've not been trying to think or reflect about any of this, or I would have talked to you about it then, afterward. Now I'm trying to get on with my life and see people. No, I'm not trying to date. I've never cheated, ever. Yes, I'm trying to go out with girls. I don't want to be in a relationship. yes, I do want to sleep with people."
Despite ALL of this, (V - to your point above) I still had a breakdown when it came to the D papers on the table. Just told him I wanted to do it on a day I didn't feel so emotional about it. I asked him to sign the letter of intent instead and he said he would, but wouldn't without someone looking that over for him first, although it seemed straightforward.
So I asked if we shouldn't take some time and just be separated and a chance for him to get his feet under him and reflect. He said that was fine, he wasn't trying to push me into anything. So I asked if he would hold off on the sleeping with others thing while we were S and the answer was a firm no. He gave me a week of fidelity if I wanted it to revisit this and decide if I wanted a separation while he acted D, or whether I wanted to file. Because he admitted he might have regrets, he might wish to be with me again, but thought this was 95% the right path.
So no, I thought to myself. 'Z, H doesn't want to be with you and he said it in many ways and you have your closure, despite all the claims of how into this M he was trying to be. Those aren't the actions or attitudes of a man who cares, no matter the pretty stories you're hoping to tell yourself.' Z doesn't want to be with a man that she can 'cause' to act this way and wants to sleep around now. If casual sex is more important to him than some time to reflect on what he's done, go forth, H!
"H, no, whether I am ready to do this or not, I am listening to what you're saying. I would only be wasting my own time. I can sign today if this is what you want."
"Just like that?"
"Yes. If you're intent on sleeping with others within a week or two, I'll be just fine with signing today."
Yet, when we got to the notary, he refused to sign my separation agreement/letter of intent even tho he'd told me he would at the house while he was packing up. I refused to sign D papers without it. So he said he'd have someone look over my letter and he would do this again. Unbelievable.
I do want to examine what is wrong with my head that the D papers...after every straight answer I asked for...upset me so badly. That I was trying to bargain about it. Tall, beautiful, magnetic H with that great eye contact and all of our history. I was trying to hear the points about how much he once loved me to have tried for six years and not the rest of what I have written above. After an hour I felt like he might really have had some points. I read these points from my transcript and realize I was just getting worn down.
My M is over. He is driving the bus on this and I'd be nutty to want this in my life when he clearly doesn't want to think let alone change.
1. I can't fix/change him. Only me.
2. I need to stop trying to blame myself for not doing better DB/DR and preventing this all from happening. ------
Here's the funny story now. I was sitting on my deck chair, headphones on, and my neighbor across the way gestured for me to take out earphones. I don't know him well. He called out asking if I'd ever been offended by him, because sometimes I wave and say hi and sometimes lately I won't even act like I see him.
I burst out crying hearing echoes of my H telling me how not in touch with people I am, how I don't understand my own emotions, and just apologized to neighbor D and said no, it was just me, I'm going through some stuff. He apologized and went in his house. And then walked through my gate ten minutes later from the front (first contact) and gave me a big hug. I blurted out my H left me. He then told me his gf had been upset about him always trying to chat me up, and I took a step back and asked him if they communicate. He vented, said they're moving out of town shortly.
Then told me he was a world famous porn star and I could look him up by such and such name. That he was glad he came over, he'd thought about it so many times earlier, bc I needed to know what a goddess I was, my legs, his GF was right, and he was sorry for everything I was going through. (overly crazy, complimentary talk. what he wanted to do to me if we were both single, pretty vulgar.)
"Gee D... that's sweet. Thanks for coming over, I needed to hear...some of that. Go home and tell your GF you love her and work out your communication. Good luck to you." _____________
I am exhausted. What a day. I do believe I have my closure.
I'm sure H will have someone look over the S paper/LOI and tell him it's harmless and we'll notarize both documents. He was asking me at breakfast just to tell the judge at time of hearing I wanted the QC, he'd agree, and it would be written in without 'complicating' it with my document. I said I don't know that's how it works and neither do you. I want it in writing. He promised up and down he wasn't trying to hurt me and didn't want this house. I just don't trust him.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
