Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

I ended up going out last night with a friend from childhood. I took a chance and FB messaged her because I am in my home town and I noticed that she goes out in town often. I felt a little embarrassed by reaching out like that, but I am so glad I did it. We had so much fun! She is very outgoing and has a lot of male friends. Being friends with men is something I want to work on. All of my closest friends have always been females, and I think not knowing how to be a friend to a guy might have been detrimental to my marriage. We had a passionate, loving, and committed relationship for many years, but I don't think I can really say that we were friends. Obviously he felt more comfortable opening up to someone else instead of me, so I am sure he feels that way.

The one thing that I never thought would happen was that I could find another man attractive. I have closed myself off from men since meeting my husband. He had some jealousy issues with some past relationships and flirtatious friendships from my past, and he always commented negatively when men looked at me. I didn't want any reason for him to feel threatened by anything so I cut it all out of my life. Last night my friend asked me what kind of man I am attracted to, and all I could think of was H. But then I started to look at the men differently. I allowed myself to put that wall down and just enjoy the men in our presence. It wasn't flirtatious, maybe a little, but very innocent. And I realized that I am able to find other men attractive. I felt comfortable having another man's arm around me--whereas before last night I would have felt very tense and guilty by that.

H has always had female friends and I never felt threatened by it until OW--mostly because that friendship was kept so separate from me. Now I see what a double standard I had about that. I don't even really think it was his doing, but my own. I know that before H most of my friendships with men became intimate in some way, shape, or form, so I didn't trust myself to be friendly or comfortable with other men when I was in a relationship. And as much as I might say his jealousy had something to do with it, I realize that it is a pattern that I had in previous relationships as well. Once I made a commitment to a man, I cut the rest of them out (except family and friends' significant others). So now it is time for me to learn how to be friends with men and not feel guilty about it.

I have so much work to do that I don't want to do. And I am running low on the meds--but I know I am going to need them to get through the week so I am trying not to take any today.