Zelda - almost there

[Vanilla]

Calibri, Toots -

I hear you loud and clear. I want to believe my H was a good man and that's why I M him to begin with.

There are good and bad in all of us. Just because someone is so can be irrelevant in an R.

Toots to your point - "why would he try and repair a R with someone he didn't love" - that's just it.

It made sense to him Z.

I don't believe he really was trying.

It is interesting that word 'try' because that is a word used to prexcuse failure. I will try to get there today, I will try to be healthy, I will try to loose weight! so to say he wasn't even trying says nothing at all.

I've tried so very hard to imagine him as simply angry, conflicted and someone who loved me but it still doesn't add up.

It made sense to him.


I think he was a good actor. I like your vision of the entwined lives we had. They certainly are different branches. And what is killing me today - I thought I would feel relief when he filed. I don't. I am melting down bc I've been lying to myself that I didn't hope for reconciliation. It sounds like you are honest with yourself.

Mind reading H but not really knowing what you want. Z work to do. If you decide to stand that's ok you know! You stand for Z.

I miss my old H, the one that was irresponsible, goofy, but the one I loved for all his faults. His tantrums would upset me but I never felt scared in the past the way I did that night. I felt loved by my old H, but it's so far in the past, I can't tell if that was me pulling him along or he really did have googly eyes at me. Calibri, I hope you are right in terms of his capacity. I really want to believe that.

Just because H has changed into something different, is unlikely to mean that the history needs to be rewritten. By rewriting and questioning history you are hurting yourself. The past is gone, let it rest as it was, let your vision of it stay pleasant. I see no value in changing your view of it. Remember the good stuff and stop poking holes to find the bad stuff.


Also, I read your posts and have the same reaction if it makes you feel better. We're intense people.

I was forceful, critical, judgemental, impassive when he needed a good listener, all of it. I can honestly say I held to my changes when he came back. The softer I was, the more he threw it in my face that he thought we should be apart, seeing other people, him questioning everything.

That just is. It is H issue, if you can say to yourself Z did the very best she could with things as they were then that's ok. It was as it was and it is as it is.

My experience was he used emotional blackmail to beat me down. In the last week I wrote in my journal about how much I was feeling hated by him, hating myself. Word salad in most conversations, but that wasn't new. Otherwise, yeah, he was great and kind as long as I wasn't asking him to put away his phone on a date, talk to me about what he meant by something he said, or how his job search was going.

Let H be. It's done now.

His experience - I'm sure it wasn't easy being home again with 'no ability' to drive his car and get out. I'm sure things I said were laced with all kinds of echoes of jabs in the past to his ears and he was trying to find himself and also be good to me. I'm sure he was bored. He admitted to trying to feel love through intense anger from the last year.

100% of what he says is unbelievable Z!

I took care of him for almost three years. It does hurt. For one of the first times in my life, I'm losing my ability to provide, a grandmother, a pet, and he walks away now.

You did what you did with love, no expectation of payback or reward? If you said "I am doing X and Y and it is an unspoken condition that you will do C" then that is passive master talk and ultimately a failure.

Calibri - honest question - how did I stand in the way of him getting his feet under him? How could anyone actually prevent another person from doing this? He didn't before Feb bc he was trapped by his case. After he signed, I was encouraging when he'd bring it up, but otherwise acted as though I trusted him to search out his own opportunities and proceed as he thought best.

Let it go, let H be responsible for his stuff. When H was very ill then we assist as the other can't as they recover then let them get on with it.

I think you are correct, my H tried to fit in a box in this r that I'd formed for him. He wasn't sure about M but went on faith. Wasn't sure he wanted to be a family guy but was entertaining it. Our social circle and things we did was 90% around me, because hey, I'm the driver and if he wasn't coming up with options, I was. So yes, I think he denied his real self to try to make me happy and grew to hate me.

Mind reading Z. Will not benefit you. No one can make another happy and it is not their job.


He complained he didn't feel like he was in the same league with some of our other friends. And yes, I believe he may actually be happier hanging out at bars and chat rooms, playing video games, and I shouldn't try to look down at him for that, just bc he's not trying to finish his degree and prioritizing the way I wanted him to in order to build and share a life with me.

H insecurities, H choices. Liberal spattering of the word try again!

Three days before the incident, telling him about the employment; I told him about my plan and asked for his support as I transitioned into my business full time. I wonder how much of a factor that was - was he put off by the idea I would need him?

Who knows? What help did you ask for exactly?

The next two days he was on the phone with his ex constantly. I saw it in my phone bill a few days ago when I tried doing calendar math.

And?

The day after he threw things at me, destroyed my property and slammed a door into me because of a comment I made about his accountability in that instance. I swear I was not screaming banshee. He did this days before his settlement came in that week.

I believe you.

He never apologized, wouldn't look at me the next days and instead took my debit card out partying.

mature huh!

When confronted, he was smug and asked me what I intended to do about it. Actually shrugged when I told him how scared, hurt, disrespected and angry I felt about it all. He did that thing where his eyes got really big like, so what, what's your point? Our MC told me she thought it was sabotage. Conscious or unconscious.

I agree with your MC on this Z.

The day after we agreed to D, he drove himself all over town. So much for 'inability'.

yup!

Since then, he's gone around town playing nice guy, accusing me of cheating to our closest friends and displaying absolutely no emotion as far as anyone can tell that this is over - "it's for the best. I needed someone who cared about me being me."

yup, I have this too.

Am I really demonizing him?

No. Your incident was real, horrible and damaging. That of itself is awful plus the subsequent denials and from your description there have been other warnings, pushing you over early on. Z, I think you are rewriting history and reflecting this behaviour back to other perfectly ordinary times. Today is a stormy, bad weather day, the winds are howling, trees are crashing down, but last summer sun was real, the beach party was real. Just because today has a storm does not make last summers fun any less so.

If it was JUST a WAS plan hatched a while ago and executed when he had some means, fine.

I think you credit H with too much foresight, but suppose he had done this? So what?

It wouldn't have been so bad except for the violence and treating me like dirt on his shoe afterward, the pretend I'm excited to be with you stuff the day and weeks before, the stuff that felt like such head games and manipulation - most WAS simply recede before they execute something like this, don't they? I felt like he took some pleasure in seeing me break down when he would say shitty things to me. Only to lift me up the next day. And it was fine, I thought we were 'piecing' and it was just hard and I was just dealing with his anger.

That is called an abuse cycle.

I will take responsibility for the ass I was pre BD, but I wore my giraffe ears and I tried until I was absolutely bent over.

Good I am glad you did. The problem is the expectation again, if I do X or Y then I expect C from you. Do what you do because you are DB. because it is the thing you need to do.

Can we say he is a good person having done these things? Everyone has a TIFU moment. Everyone loses their chit. Everyone can be absolutely rotten sometimes, including me.

Maybe!

Even if he wanted to D me, fine, but why the complete lack of remorse about his actions that night?

That is why they call it abuse. He may eventually feel remorse, but more likely sorry for himself and blame you.


This lines up pretty well with what sociopaths are known for - the devalue and discard phase of their relationships.

Careful about labelling H, call him on his behaviour instead.

Calibri, I thank you for your honest response. Really. I just can't see him as angry, lost, or whatever. It really seems to go beyond that. Maybe with some time I will feel differently. I hope so. I don't wish him any misery. I cried just as hard in the weeks during S, imagining how he'd suffered under all my pressure and criticism, how he was suffering and grieving for his body.

Well, you can let go of that now!

I just don't know what's real anymore. After watching him casually drive off, back and forth over the course of the next two days like it was nothing, when there'd always been such drama just when he sat in the drivers seat for five minutes with the car off...and looking like he was going to hypervenitlate backing out of the driveway, the deep breathing and what not. It all just disappeared after D talk. Like magic.

Oh yeah! It is quite amusing to watch. my H still does this, "I am ill, so I'll, so tired, so sad, so sorry for myself" next minute "which pub, what golf match!"

So - did he really have PTSD. Did he really have suicidal thoughts (that I heard about only when we were fighting or when I tried to bring up my feelings.)

This is for H to know.

And you're right - I don't know if he is enjoying his life or just sending pictures of him being out and about enjoying night life to my friends (not even our friends - he's sending this stuff to my girlfriends).

H is going GAL. It is highly recommended!

I think maybe I just need to go get some of this out kickboxing. Actually sleep tonight.

I want to think about what you guys are saying to not see him.

Personally I think a good long cool down. This guy yanks your chains. H sends you to a bad head space, it is my opinion that you could do with some detachment first.

It seems like you want him to turn up, beg forgiveness, say it was all a mistake. Go back and be happy ever after with a H who says " I learned my lesson and it will never be like that again Z. I really truly promise". That both of you work hard to be the best you can be and it will be ok.