Alpha Step At A Time #5

[alpha99]

Hi Toots,

I completely agree with your analysis. I did mean that W noticing my changes would be a by product of the changes happening anyway. I feel confident on that front the changes are for me because I'm doing them at times when W is not present and not able to see them.

Just even going out to social events alone is a big thing for me. It is enabling me to develop self confidence. I am going to a pub quiz sometime next week where there will be a team of people playing together - none of which I know. That is scary...but at the same time exciting. I am hopeful of making new friends and acquaintances.

So to summarise what I'm working on right now:

* Maintaining my new and improved appearance. I am wearing smart clothes every day. I am maintaining personal hygiene like never before, brushing teeth twice a day, using deodorant every day, shaving every few days etc. This is going really well.

* Developing confidence. To do this I am getting out more. I've been to an Italian Meetup group. I am going to a pub quiz this week. I have been out and about with the children alone quite a few times now. This is going really well. To put this into perspective, for the first year I had a car I never paid at the till when putting petrol into the car. I sent my W or whoever was with me. I never went to the chippy or the corner shop right on our doorstep for household goods - I sent W. I would basically avoid most things wherever possible that required interacting with people I don't already know. I wouldn't ask people for directions. I wouldn't take up hobbies or pursue job opportunities because I was too shy to do so. I am working on this still to make it all more natural but the self confidence I'm finding is making my life more fulfilling. I no longer feel so held back. The irony is that my W has always felt that nothing bothers me, that I'm uber confident. I can be around people I know or standing up to people when surrounded by people I know, but overall I'm a shy person.

* Following on from above, when I met my W I was quiet, considerate, shy, easy going, an excellent listener. As we got to know each other, after the honeymoon period of say two years maybe, I started to listen less, impose my own thoughts more, be less considerate to her, displayed a front of confidence to some degree. I can see how I've changed. I can see how I need to find that earlier version of myself whilst working on an appropriate level of confidence.

* Cutting out sarcasm. When I read or hear people saying they're sarcastic it is always a turn off. It sounds as if they're acknowledging their not a nice, positive person. Now, I like to think I'm a fun person. I've had people comment many times over the years about how funny I can be. Close friends acknowledge this often. My W does not. She doesn't get jokes. A lot of my humour is steeped in sarcasm. This is not a nice trait. I think I have distanced friends and my W over the years by being incredibly sarcastic - we're talking an awful, awful lot of the time. I am trying hard to cut this right, right back.

* Being positive. OK, this one does incorporate my W but I am trying to be positive a lot more. I've read how being positive attracts people, not just partners but people in general. Obviously being sarcastic means tending to have a negative slant on things. I am trying to reverse that. For example, instead of complaining about poor weather, I might come up with positive ideas for things to do inside. I am being positive around my W and trying to reconnect with her through positive connections.

* Being less judgmental. This doesn't require much explanation. I'm just working on accepting people for who they are wherever possible.

I know a few of these things include my W in them but these changes are for me. They do include things W has pointed out in a negative light about me but they are also things I have come up with myself after taking a look in the mirror. I know I am a kind, decent, loyal and loving person. I also know I'm a nasty, manipulative, sarcastic, inconsiderate, selfish, hurtful know it all so and so on occasions too. I just want to remove those negative traits of my personality as much as possible and be a better person.

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So, as for today: I dropped the kids back at MIL's. It was a 10 second handover. Hi, bye, see ya. NC from W. None expected. Apart from calling her as per the kids' request over the horse racing yesterday, I haven't initiated contact in 2 weeks now. I am working this morning, followed by watching a big sporting event on TV this afternoon, and then maybe a trip to the gym afterwards before settling down to relax this evening.

W had asked about the house sale last week. She was going to arrange for someone to come out and value the house on Monday. Well, it's Sunday and there's been no mention of an appointment. 2-3 days ago she did ask if the house was clean, whether any stuff still needed to be moved before Monday. I don't know what's going to happen there. With work and having the kids I've yet to get to see a L. I will do this Monday.

EDIT: I forgot to add: The most pertinent thing for me at the moment is the internal struggle between knowing that pulling back is the best thing to do right now and missing W an awful lot and wanting to reach out to her. I know my head can overrule my heart here...but it is bloody hard at times!

Each sitch is different of course but does anyone with experience here have an idea of the average time needed before a sitch such as mine (A, separated, rejecting spouse) may start to turn positively? I read somewhere in an old thread Wonka suggesting generally (not exactly my kind of sitch) 1-2 years.

Would you concur with that?