Introduction - least creative title

[Closer2]

Just posting here because I can't sleep. Rewatching Breaking Bad again. Maybe I should find a new passion like Walt did?

Do people that find texts or letters from a cheating spouse typically read all of them? Do they read just enough to know that there is cheating?

It's hard for me to read 900 pages of teenage love text messages between my wife and another guy. She was so miserable and so mean anytime they discussed me. I never talked that way about her. I was a bad husband, I know I was. I was disconnected. She would push me away and eventually I just stopped trying to be close. We had separate lives in the same house. I had no idea how to fix it and didn't even know if I wanted it fixed. If only I had picked up DR or DB before she dropped the bomb. The downward spiral was so obvious. I don't know if I'll be able to let go of the tremendous regret I feel. Why didn't I work harder to save my M? For her and for my kids.

To hear her say last night that she has started to have feeling for me again and is confused was bitter sweet. I felt great that she feel an attraction and love, but it's not enough for her to stop her affair and focus on our family.

I did tell her that if she is willing to devote 110% to our M, to build a new M, I would devote 110% with her. That it would take time and it wouldn't be easy, but I would like nothing more than to give it our best effort. I knew it wasn't a good time to say that last night, but I wanted her to know that I'm willing. I also wanted her to know that it wasn't something to be taken lightly. From reading Sandi's post about R, I knew it was too early to even consider R, but I wanted her to know I still haven't give up completely.

Today was very different than the tears from last night. The spew that came out of her today was evil. She is going to try to deny the 50/50 visitation. Something we agreed on months ago. However, I caved and let her have expanded basic visitation because I thought she was coming out of her "EA" and didn't want to make her go nuclear. The decree hasn't been signed approved by the court, so I can change it. I have a feeling that she will do mediation and well end up in court. I can't afford court, but I'll figure something out.

She wants to come over tomorrow to get some of her stuff and drop off the kids. I better try to get some sleep.

If you read this, thanks for reading me rambling vent.