For the last ten years I tried everything I could to make him happy. He wanted me zen and unemotional, I learned zen and unemotional. He wanted space in his cave and I encouraged him to take space in his cave without complaining. He wanted to play video games, great, here are new games, and in fact I'll buy every new system you want too. Want the newest gadget? YOu've earned it. No, we don't need to go on any vacations alone together. That's fine, I don't need anything. You want to move three thousand miles away from everything I care about, whether I want to or not? OK. We'll go. Oh, and by the way, you are tops at everything. I'll squeeze every interesting thing about my life into the hours when you're at the office. I don't need any help with the house, you just sit back and enjoy your life, I'll take care of everything.
Sure, go ahead, book that redeye. No, no, don't mind me, you can take that Tylenol PM as soon as we get on the plane without saying a word to me -- I'll wrestle with our unruly toddler in first class all by myself while you sleep the hours away. Hey, our daughter broke her arm -- do you mind watching the boys? I'll take her to the ER. Oh, our son broke his arm. No, you don't need to help with the first aid or anything -- Go ahead, do the limbo with the rest of the party, I've got it.
Please, do you mind spending a little time with me? Without a screen. Oh, that's too much to ask -- but you want to have sex. I'd like to watch this show -- oh, OK, I'll go watch it by myself while you play on the computer (porn??) -- SURE, I'll have sex with you when my show is over!!
There is not ONE THING he was willing to do to be a family together except dinner and a movie when I'd twisted his arm hard enough. All those years, I puffed him up and never even was told that I was pretty or interesting or desirable. But he sure would complain if he didn't get enough sex.
No, I'm sorry Zues. He did not conduct himself like he was interested in being married to me for years. YEARS. Not even interested, no matter how I tried to accommodate, thank, or praise him. Exhibiting interest in him was not allowed -- but he had to hear about my day in six-minute increments. He would get REALLY peeved if I tried to push him to share how he'd spent his day, who with, what he was up to. REALLY peeved if I asked him in any kind of detail about movies he saw without me (no small number), books he was reading, music he found interesting.
I let myself be treated like nothing. For years. There are plenty of things I did wrong, starting with permitting myself to be treated like an employee and luggage for years. I do not believe I am rewriting history. It's true that we were intermittently happy, mostly at the beginning. But it's also very true that he treated me really badly and I internalized that treatment and let it inform what I thought of myself and now I am really angry that it took me so long to figure that out, and also that I feel grief at how my marriage turned out.
I do not like the way he's trying to manipulate me now into ending the marriage legally the way he wants to and that he's being very disrespectful to me. That he keeps threatening to take his respect away -- as if I've had it in years, given the way he cheated and how little he cares how that feels to me. I don't need his respect. I've taken these hits on the chin like a CHAMP and I have grown from them and through them in ways that make me proud of MYSELF.
If STBX is complaining to anyone that he felt hurt, then that is wrong. If he can articulate what he didn't like, he SHOULD have brought it to me -- he had a moral obligation to do so. I brought my concerns to him: I DID say at one point that I was frustrated that some distance had grown between us and I wanted to change that, and he turned away and mumbled "we're fine" in the way that made it clear the subject was closed and then he withdrew even further from me.
I am not complaining about his current behavior. I realize I can't change it. The possibility of reconciliation (even assuming he wanted it, which he doesn't) is utterly ruled out for me because I am so angry and disgusted at the way I let myself shrink in response to all his testiness and gaslighting. But I am totally sickened and saddened by what I let happen to ME in that marriage. I am really unhappy that I did everything I knew to do and then some trying to figure out how to make us a happy couple. But what it comes down to is, he wanted to sleep around with strange women in glamorous cities, never include me in any of his travels or really any part of his life that didn't involve family members, and get whatever shallow thrill occurred to him no matter how destructive it was to our family, and there was not anything I could do about that.
And I just went begging for more.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It's fine MB. You feel very strongly about this and I am not on a crusade to change your opinion.
I will say that my STBX wrote a pretty similar story about me to the one you just wrote. The only difference was she's the one that left. But building a case that I am a failure of an H that was negligent, insensitive, abusive, and a force that sapped her spirit and sense of self until she was no longer the person she was supposed to be on this planet...yes, she did that quite convincingly at BD and since. I just don't see it that black and white.
Your thread and your journey, thanks for discussing it respectfully even when we feel differently!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
The last week or two I've gone straight to sleep exhausted and then wake up in the middle of the night worried about money and housing. It's becoming a huge struggle to let go and let God. I'm worried about possibly collapsing or having some other huge backlash when I get to the other side of all this. I need to come up with some self-care strategies.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I'm sorry to hear that. Have a look at your signature line and truly, truly believe it because you can and will do this.
Have you tried mindfulness meditation when you wake up in the middle of the night. Also, what are you doing during the day to manage your stress levels?
((((Maybel))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
A classic case of night terrors me thinks. After 90 minutes of sleep I understand that the wakening hormones sort of half work and we can wake with anxiety brains which go into overdrive.
Funnily enough there was an article in the UK version of the Psychologies magazine this month.
The old washing machine mind! hope you relax a little
V
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm with you, Maybell. As for the anxiety, I've found meditation helpful -- even though I find it difficult and don't do it perfectly. Even then, it helps. Having a mantra that immediately triggers my brain to release the cycle of anxious thoughts has helped tremendously, and my sleep has improved. I was always skeptical and too impatient to meditate, but now I'm glad I'm making the effort. Might be worth trying . . . Hugs.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
What worked last night was to feel my way through my body telling each part to relax. STBX has been furious with me about the settlement agreement. I'm tired of putting up with his tantrums and told him to take the emotion out of it and just be generous so we could move on.
I suspect this is going to get worse before it gets better. It wasn't enough to sleep around, date when he said he wouldn't, and spend hundreds of dollars on dates and bar crawls. Now he has to act like I'm being punitive with the settlement. I can't wait till this is all over. He's so unspeakably selfish.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
For the last ten years I tried everything I could to make him happy. He wanted me zen and unemotional, I learned zen and unemotional. He wanted space in his cave and I encouraged him to take space in his cave without complaining. He wanted to play video games, great, here are new games, and in fact I'll buy every new system you want too. Want the newest gadget? YOu've earned it. No, we don't need to go on any vacations alone together. That's fine, I don't need anything. You want to move three thousand miles away from everything I care about, whether I want to or not? OK. We'll go. Oh, and by the way, you are tops at everything. I'll squeeze every interesting thing about my life into the hours when you're at the office. I don't need any help with the house, you just sit back and enjoy your life, I'll take care of everything.
Sure, go ahead, book that redeye. No, no, don't mind me, you can take that Tylenol PM as soon as we get on the plane without saying a word to me -- I'll wrestle with our unruly toddler in first class all by myself while you sleep the hours away. Hey, our daughter broke her arm -- do you mind watching the boys? I'll take her to the ER. Oh, our son broke his arm. No, you don't need to help with the first aid or anything -- Go ahead, do the limbo with the rest of the party, I've got it.
Please, do you mind spending a little time with me? Without a screen. Oh, that's too much to ask -- but you want to have sex. I'd like to watch this show -- oh, OK, I'll go watch it by myself while you play on the computer (porn??) -- SURE, I'll have sex with you when my show is over!!
There is not ONE THING he was willing to do to be a family together except dinner and a movie when I'd twisted his arm hard enough. All those years, I puffed him up and never even was told that I was pretty or interesting or desirable. But he sure would complain if he didn't get enough sex.
No, I'm sorry Zues. He did not conduct himself like he was interested in being married to me for years. YEARS. Not even interested, no matter how I tried to accommodate, thank, or praise him. Exhibiting interest in him was not allowed -- but he had to hear about my day in six-minute increments. He would get REALLY peeved if I tried to push him to share how he'd spent his day, who with, what he was up to. REALLY peeved if I asked him in any kind of detail about movies he saw without me (no small number), books he was reading, music he found interesting.
I let myself be treated like nothing. For years. There are plenty of things I did wrong, starting with permitting myself to be treated like an employee and luggage for years. I do not believe I am rewriting history. It's true that we were intermittently happy, mostly at the beginning. But it's also very true that he treated me really badly and I internalized that treatment and let it inform what I thought of myself and now I am really angry that it took me so long to figure that out, and also that I feel grief at how my marriage turned out.
I do not like the way he's trying to manipulate me now into ending the marriage legally the way he wants to and that he's being very disrespectful to me. That he keeps threatening to take his respect away -- as if I've had it in years, given the way he cheated and how little he cares how that feels to me. I don't need his respect. I've taken these hits on the chin like a CHAMP and I have grown from them and through them in ways that make me proud of MYSELF.
If STBX is complaining to anyone that he felt hurt, then that is wrong. If he can articulate what he didn't like, he SHOULD have brought it to me -- he had a moral obligation to do so. I brought my concerns to him: I DID say at one point that I was frustrated that some distance had grown between us and I wanted to change that, and he turned away and mumbled "we're fine" in the way that made it clear the subject was closed and then he withdrew even further from me.
I am not complaining about his current behavior. I realize I can't change it. The possibility of reconciliation (even assuming he wanted it, which he doesn't) is utterly ruled out for me because I am so angry and disgusted at the way I let myself shrink in response to all his testiness and gaslighting. But I am totally sickened and saddened by what I let happen to ME in that marriage. I am really unhappy that I did everything I knew to do and then some trying to figure out how to make us a happy couple. But what it comes down to is, he wanted to sleep around with strange women in glamorous cities, never include me in any of his travels or really any part of his life that didn't involve family members, and get whatever shallow thrill occurred to him no matter how destructive it was to our family, and there was not anything I could do about that.
And I just went begging for more.
Awwww MB, you did go through a lot but that part's over now. How are you working to process all that? What are you learning from it?
Let me say, I know it's fallen into vernacular land but "zen" or meditation or yoga doesn't encourage being unemotional, far from it. It's more about recognizing and honoring your emotional life. Like paying attention to what your body was telling you in those years you were giving far too much in your marriage and he was taking far too much. The slow drip, drip, drip of resentment eroding away your feelings for him, hardening your heart.
The good news is, it doesn't have to be like that but we have to love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves and learn to speak up.
And to head you off at the pass, I'm not saying this is your fault, it is what it is. We can learn from the past or we can be bitter.
We get to choose.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hi Maybell. I can relate to so much of what you wrote, you and I sometimes seem to be a matter of degrees, (with me getting the better end of the deal).
You know Labug is pretty much always on the money and what she says here is the key for me: "we have to love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves and learn to speak up." This is my critical piece, and I'll bet it's really important for you, too.
Just wanted to mention that I'm farther down the actual divorce route than you and I can tell you, I went through the exact same thing with crashing from exhaustion and then waking in the middle of the night from worry (and it doesn't help that my daughters are firmly entrenched sleeping with me every night). FWIW, I think it's actually a pretty common experience among people in our position. I had it pretty hardcore for about 2 months - but as time goes on, and I beat down all the problems that arise - it has gotten better. I've definitely been more energetic later. Like everything else here, it does get better.
