Maybell XXXIV: Expecto Patronum!

[Maybell]

I'm still feeling good about my personal future but I was thinking about the facts of STBX's treatment of me in the years leading up to BD from an objective point of view (imagining myself reciting them to someone who'd never heard my story) and I just want to throw up. How could I have permitted myself to be treated as I was for so very long? How could I not have noticed that a decent marriage is a lot, lot more than I had with him?

He's been quite manipulative this week. Pouring on guilt tactics to try and get me to negotiate the settlement without lawyers so I won't demand as much from him. (This is why I was rehearsing the facts to myself -- comparing them to state law.)

I'm so anxious about the housing. I hate this part. I can't believe I let STBX so deeply into my life and that I'm so vulnerable to someone who is so uncaring about my well-being. Something I thought was a family strength only a few years ago is now an area of terrifying weakness.

I'm not going to cry. It's a beautiful day and the kids are with me. I'm finally sort of rested-Ish. I got the furnace fixed this morning so now there's just clearing up, purging, staging, and an electrical project. I will not make these errors in judgment in the future. This time will pass and things may be harder financially but I'll be dealing with knowns.

But oh my gosh, he was so horrible to me. That's going to take some time to process.