I feel like I am living in purgatory. A land of nothingness. My former life is over. My eternal happiness isn't promised. It isn't here. It is still out of reach. Now I am doing the work. In a place I don't belong and can't stay. Paying for my sins. Rectifying my mistakes. Hoping to one day cross over. Can I?
Thanks, you guys. Thank you so much for sticking by me. Supporting me. Encouraging me.
I'm OK. And the anger- it doesn't consume me. At all. I just get some flashes once in awhile. They pass fairly quickly. But, haven't had it in a couple of days. I think when there are events that happen, I tend to cycle a little bit more. Vacation and coming back, made me spin a little. But, I think I get in a routine of nothingness... but it's not a great routine. One I am trying to break out of.
I haven't slept since I have been back from vacation. It's been a week. I get 2-3 hours per night. But, I think I will be able to break that this weekend. Fingers crossed.
The past 2-3 days have been a little better. I feel I am breaking free. My feelings are starting to change. I don't want to talk about xh at all. I don't want to think about him, deal with him. I want no part of it. D14 has brought him up a couple of times. I listen to her, for her, but I don't want to here about him. Once she says what she needs to say, I try to talk about something else so I can get it out of my mind quickly.
I completed the forms today for changing the deed and the tax forms. I was proud of myself. I had to make a couple of calls to get the right information. I downloaded directions to help me. And I didn't have to pay a lawyer! Now, I need to get them to xh to have him sign them. Ugh. But, I am sure he will notice my name change on them!
S18 still hasn't spoken to him. I think he blocked him. Xh was getting really short w d14 last night via text. VERY immature and pouting. (one of the things she told me about him). Just weird and.... weird. So immature. I think he is feeling out of control again with my kids. He thought maybe this time they would go along with his shenanigans? Apparently. And he does not like that they have opinions of their own about him and his sitch... he knows deep down that its wrong.. I know this, which he has no ground to stand on. And throws a temper tantrum then comes back like it didn't happen. Ick. not even going to get into it anymore. Over it.
Went to my brothers a little bit tonight. Was going to stay longer but had to bring s18's friend home. I have realized a lot of things. Things that are deep, personal, spiritual. Mistakes I've made. Changes I've made. Not just behavioral changes, which are superficial... like, I shouldn't do that anymore. But, awakenings. And it's like, once you reach a certain point, the digging deeper becomes a little easier. It triggers another realization. Makes another impact and change. It's good stuff.
I still get sad. At the beginning of the week, I was having daily breakdowns in the shower. It's my place of inner reflection? Who knows, but I was OK starting yesterday. But, still have moments.
It's different this time. I know I am letting go for good. My "hope" has to change. It is a difficult concept to really grasp that it is truly over. I am still absorbing everything. What my life has become. How different it is. How different he is. How different it will be. What he has done to me. To my family. It's OK. I'm OK. It is just taking time to come to terms with everything. Finality is just so difficult. Really and truly releasing him... from my life... forever... is heartbreaking. I just don't have a choice anymore.
I feel like he was slowly killing me. And he knew that. And he didn't care.
I have a lot to work through. I'm pretty sick of it. But, I know it must be done. With that said, I am looking forward to finding a happy and peaceful life.
And I thought, all the stupid things that have bothered me... I can't wait for the day, when he pulls in to get d14, and there is another guy... here at MY house, hanging out by MY pool. Relaxing and enjoying being HERE with ME. I like that day.
