Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

I survived the week. Right now I am feeling very good about things involving work. I'm kind of hoping I am able to save my job. I received some supportive compliments from coworkers who sat in on the meetings with me, saying that I did great for my first time. I hope my principal noticed. I know she was worried, and honestly given my fragile state the last couple of weeks I don't blame her.

The meetings went well, and I think the medication helped. I got all of my reports done last night so it was fresh in my head. I said my piece, often having to start the meeting, and contributed when necessary. I focused on the things I felt the most confidence about, and relied on the data and reports for the information that I was unsure of.

The one thing about the meds is that I realize that it works really well right away. I feel sane and normal, and confident in a really healthy way. Then a few hours later I start to get very drowsy, and right after the drowsiness kicks in, the anxiety starts to come back. The worst feeling is when I have the drowsiness coupled with the anxiety. This happened during my fourth meeting, and I felt myself trembling when I spoke. I took another pill right after that meeting and was fine the rest of the day. It is such a relief to have that part done with, and I think that now I can devote all my focus to getting my planning right.

I met with a therapist earlier this week. I didn't even get into my work issues when I spoke to her but just unloaded about H and OW and my complicated situation. My goal is to stop handling things so badly, but I felt like she was validating my bad behavior because she was surprised by how complicated my situation is. I don't want validation. I don't want anyone telling me that my feelings or reactions are understandable. I want some one to tell me how to move on. I want someone to come right out and say, "Here is the line. This is your boundary, and this is none of your business." I wonder if the the first session is just supposed to be information gathering. I don't want another excuse to vent--I have been doing too much of that and it is getting me no where. Just making me obsess and hold on and feel justified in doing so--which only makes things worse. I want someone to tell me to knock it off, and to give me strategies to get me to the place where I was over the summer.

I thought that I had it all figured out last summer. I felt like holding on and letting go was completely my choice and in my control. And through prayer and faith I could take control of my life. Right now I don't feel I have a choice. Like my body and mind have completely been hijacked. I keep trying to give it up to God, but it is so tangled up all around me that it just refuses to go. Maybe I am depressed? I've never experienced a situation where I wasn't able to apply mind over matter before. Is that what it feels like to be depressed?

I'm home alone tonight. I was supposed to go away to celebrate a cousin's birthday but I was afraid that between the travel time and visiting time I won't have enough time to get my plans done for next week. The kids were going to stay with my SIL because H has some stuff going on. They were excited so I didn't change their plans. I appreciate the alone time, but I am also feeling kind of lonely.