Hey Heavy, Thanks for reading along. We are still living together - she has said she will leave, but then pulls back, doesn't act. I really don't think she will leave because this is her idea of keeping the family together (in whatever condition happens to be). We really are stuck in a rut with this.
I know this seems like an envious position when both of us see each other every day, but detachment has been hard for me and the feeling of being used never goes away.
We are currently separated in the house and barely speak to each other. She sleeps on the couch in the basement. I have never left the MBR.
I am still going on the idea that a physical separation is what I/we need and I still feel she *should* be the one to leave. But I have envisioned me leaving, and I may be ok with it. Option 3 is we sell the house and both leave - but this would affect the kids the most.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
Wow - that must be hard. On one hand it is envious to me but on the ohter I can see how difficult it must be to see her and yet not speak.
Are you not sure the OM is out of the picture? If he is, have you tried therapy/counseling? If he is in the picture, then therapy I have heard is a waste of time and money.
If anyone leaves, it should be her - NOT YOU. whoever stays has the more stronger position legally.
Good luck - I sincerely hope that the two of you can work this out. I really do.
Thanks Heavy! I am not convinced he is out of the picture as OM - plus they still work together for the time being - I believe she is still under the impression that he will always be a friend even if the A is over.
I don't know how to accept that - it is too much for me.
I know it is recommended to not leave - but the dynamic has to change some how. I am going to try to talk to her this weekend about this again.
I pray for you and your family too
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I understand that my old marriage is dead and has been since BD. I accept that. I also accept that I have to change if there is any chance of this working at all. I acknowledge that and work on it weekly - if not every few days. Examples are support groups, gym work, mirror work, GAL, PMA, reading a lot of self help books, working on doing things on my own, facing down my fears, living by Sandis rules, etc...
My question now is what about my WW? I do not detect any kind of "work" at all on her part or any willingness to do so.
My instinct tells me that I am doing all this DB stuff for ME only, regardless if she does any work or not. If she chooses to ignore any issues she may have that brought this marriage down, does that mean the marriage is doomed? I guess what I am asking, doesn't it take two people who want to make a R work, and if only one is making any change or growth efforts, then how is that a changed new dynamic?
It makes me think of the old adage, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink". But then that leads me to control issues, I don't want to lead my WW anywhere. She has to make the choice independent of my wishes.
So, I have thought myself into a corner here. Have I over analyzed my situation again?
I understand that my old marriage is dead and has been since BD. I accept that. I also accept that I have to change if there is any chance of this working at all. I acknowledge that and work on it weekly - if not every few days. Examples are support groups, gym work, mirror work, GAL, PMA, reading a lot of self help books, working on doing things on my own, facing down my fears, living by Sandis rules, etc...
You are doing it for you big man.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
My question now is what about my WW? I do not detect any kind of "work" at all on her part or any willingness to do so.
Most waywards are reacting off the basis of "lust" feelings. They are doing what they want to do. Almost nothing you can say or do can change it. It is only when they receive an excessive of negative feedback from the world will they consider changing, and even then, that might not do it.
Your feedback will be that you cannot support someone who cheats on you.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
My instinct tells me that I am doing all this DB stuff for ME only, regardless if she does any work or not. If she chooses to ignore any issues she may have that brought this marriage down, does that mean the marriage is doomed? I guess what I am asking, doesn't it take two people who want to make a R work, and if only one is making any change or growth efforts, then how is that a changed new dynamic?
You can't worry about her, worry about you. I'd personally stack myself against the single element. Perhaps you'd be a single that she would choose, perhaps not. Perhaps you wouldn't want her to have that choice after being faithful to her.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
It makes me think of the old adage, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink". But then that leads me to control issues, I don't want to lead my WW anywhere. She has to make the choice independent of my wishes.
So, I have thought myself into a corner here. Have I over analyzed my situation again?
TGIF Folks
Yes you have over analyzed it. Keep doing what you are doing. These waywards many of them will remain waywards as long as you are in the relationship. It's a lifestyle choice they have chosen.
However you do not have to allow it. You can divorce her her and get on with your life. Or you can also do as she is doing and get you a girlfriend who appreciates someone like you while you wait on her to turn around. She will likely never turn around, most of them never do.
You sound great, you sound positive. But you should never try to convince someone of why they want to be committed to you, ask the single people.
I've spent a lot of time saying that - the old marriage is dead, but I have wasted a lot of time just trying to put the pieces back together and hoping that they would stick. They don't.
I also feel the same way about WW. I have done so much digging and work on myself, for myself and for the M, but have seemingly done so alone. I think that is all we can do. Do our work for ourselves. We cannot force WW to change, work, think, worry, stop, go...... We have to only work on ourselves - maybe that will be the epiphany bomb for them - maybe not. We will become better people. We are not making changes in ourselves to become worse people or people we do not want to become.
We know that we are not perfect and any self-improvement is good. Good for ourselves and good for a future R with someone (whoever that someone is).
Besides, if W were to come back and want to R, you want it to be her choice - and never blame you for forcing her or coaxing her back.
Keep it up Heavy.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I have seen your posts and you're a wise DBer. But....
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
However you do not have to allow it. You can divorce her her and get on with your life. Or you can also do as she is doing and get you a girlfriend who appreciates someone like you while you wait on her to turn around. She will likely never turn around, most of them never do.
Huh?! I respectfully disagree with you right there. You know what we say about absolutes around here...right? Never say 'never.'
Haven't you read any success stories??! You are way off base right there, buddy.
You are way off base right there, buddy.