Zelda - almost there

[Calibri]

Guys, help me out please. I thought I was ok with this. I feel like I'm having a meltdown.

First things first, I'm going to need for you to breathe. And then breathe some more. Ok?

Ok.....here we go.

a) fresh horror at how callous he was and is. I could not have been loved during piecing, the year before BD...ever? Maybe the first two years?

You can't define someone else's value and perception of love. Did your H love you? Maybe, maybe not. That's on him to figure out, not you. You can only evaluate your truths. Your perceptions. If he didn't love, well, then that's him, not you. Defining if he loved you or not doesn't fix anything. He could love you with everything he had, but it just wasn't what you needed, to feel loved. I don't think it's fair to say that he didn't love you.

I also agree with Toots, I think you're demonizing your husband --- a lot. I also agree with Toots, that there are some really horrible people out there in this world, but from what you said - I wouldn't put him in that category. Lost, angry, confused, rough around the edges, has some issues -- yes. But sweet Zelda, and I say this with all do respect, the same could be said about you. And, if I remember correctly, your friend pointed out that you weren't the best either.

I'm not trying to downplay your feelings or emotions. I acknowledge that you feel the way you do, and I can see why you would feel the way, based on your explanation of the events. But Zelda, your explanation of the events are your interpretation of what happened. Just like he has his interpretation of what happened. Somewhere in the middle, is the reality of what actually happened.

I have to admit -- I've cringed, alot, reading your posts. For you, and for myself as well. I see alot of myself in you, and I see how angry you are, and upset, and how you felt as a caretaker. And I know it's the internet and we all vent and what not, but I wonder if how we interpret you is how you come across to your husband? (And this is all water on the bridge...and what not), but it just seems like you're such a strong personality (hi pot, I'm the kettle! :-)) and I can't help but wonder....did your H become the person he felt.....for a lack of better words....beaten down to be? (and I mean that in the nicest way possible) You talk alot about what you've done for him after the accident, buying the house, dragging him along, him using you until he got his settlement, could it be that he played the role that he felt was necessary to be a part of the relationship? And when he saw that you weren't going to be there to take care of the things, he got his feet under him? Did you ever truly allow him to get his feet under him?

b) it's over. it really is. have I been in denial? I don't want him or this r as it is, so what is my problem? That he's out playing poker and enjoying his new life?

Don't assume it's all rainbows and butterflies. Early on in my sitch, I was so furious with my husband. He left. He was in a hotel room. NOOOOOO responsibilities except to go to work and go to crossfit. Parents were paying his bills. And I was left behind with a packed up house, animals, a yard to tend, everything. I remember in the conversation - yelling at him about how happy his life must be and that he was living it up, and he quickly assured me that it wasn't (and still isn't) rainbows and butterflies for him. I assumed that because he left he was happy. And he wasn't. And still isn't.
Try not to assume anything, because in my experience, it's usually wrong.

c) I feel so small and worthless. I know this is not a healthy or rational response.

I understand. I've been going through that alot lately. I think it's normal, but as you have identified, not healthy nor rational.

d) I can't make sense of anything that was. It's a huge chunk of my life that feels completely un-valid. Also not a healthy perspective but it feels like the real one.

I understand completely. Everything my H said when he left turned my world upside down. It felt like the last ten years of my life were suddenly invalid, hadn't happened, wasn't real. It made me question alot of things. Even after he's told me that a majority of what he said when he left wasn't true, the doubt still lingers. But for me, I know what my truth is. That I was blindingly happy, that I had an amazing ten years with him and regardless of what happened, I resolved that I wouldn't let his opinion ruin my memories. And that's something I struggle with, daily. But I think your IC hit the nail on the head. If it mattered to you, and you loved, that's what's important.

Zelda, I really, really would advise against going to breakfast with your H in the morning. Everything is too raw, and is like pouring salt in the wound. Tend to yourself. The rest will come in time.