Confused and mix messages. Part 3

[Cherry]

Ugh journaling. So I haven't been well so my mom came round to keep an eye on baby. I fell asleep on the couch and was woke up by my H coming in. Thing is he woke me from a dream, and in my dream we were like dating or something- more like a flash back of our memories fooling around having a road trip messing around on a beach or something. For a minute its like I completely forgot our sitch. Then he moodily says he's getting changed and going out. And BOOM it hits me. And it feels as though I have just been told the BD all over again.

This hurts, hurts, hurts. So rather than turn pathetic. I'm sat in my room. Holding in the tears- trying to act poised- he is most probably out with the other woman so don't want the last thing he saw of me as many. Gonna keep absolute cool and happy looking til he walks out the door. I'm tempted to tell him I'm gonna go out myself. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Maybe it's cause I'm not well or something, or crazy sleep deprived but I can't deal with this BS no more. I'm fed up of being a back up. He says he needs to decide between us, but she is on a pedestal and he only has time for her. And I don't get why he has to be such a d*ck about everything. I asked how he was in just a polite friendly way and get barked back that he is sh*t as usual. He is in self distruct mode!! I just don't get how he seemed to come out of it and realise he faults for like a day and say he is gonna change and then boom he is straight back in it. I know it's not my problem- and focus on me. But oh my oh my!!