Zelda - almost there

[Zelda09]

H texted me today to say he has been to the courthouse and has paperwork to go over with me for breakfast, or now, if I cared to join him.

I didn't realize how much of my heart was open to making excuses about the timing of the fight/settlement check arriving. I was prepared to give him time to get his head straight and find himself. But the man that had trouble with the smallest of tasks is all over this. I've never felt so used and discarded in my life. It's like a wound that every time I think is healed is poked. I feel like this confirms it. It was about using me until he had his settlement.

I had drafted and printed a separation agreement that covered all bases. I was going to present it to him to sign so that while he did his thinking I was protected. I may still regardless of what he shows up with.

I feel he is some kind of monster. The victim only as long as needed to have food, shelter, clothing and love and couldn't count on himself for his needs. As soon as he could, it's like this means nothing to him.

Mark Manson had another good one on strong boundaries. His article described the rollercoaster r where one party feels the need to be overly responsible for feelings, needs of the other. The other of course feels everyone else ought to be more responsible for their feelings, needs.

Most of your spouses, they waffle. They cry. They have regrets, they have emotions.

Who was this guy I pushed so hard for? Was he acting during all those super happy with me, ily so much times??

I'm angry at myself for allowing this to hurt, to rock me anymore.