We are in D process, she has moved out, she is with OW as often as she can be, and yet I am supposed to be polite and cordial, don't avoid her, but don't seek her out.
What's the alternative? Be a jerk?! Nah. Be the person that you want to be and your kids are watching & learning.
Now when she calls, I am more pleasant, not up to making chit chat yet. I talk her time with the kids - "I know you are going to have a good time, have fun" etc..
Yes, that's the way to go. Pleasant and cordial. That is a very good starting point.
I have no reaction from her re: legal situation. She won't respond to the l letters. It appears we will go to court to resolve the financial issue.
That's mindreading. You just don't know why W hasn't responded to your L's letters. It's in your favor actually.
I have read that my WW will have to destroy this realtionship in order for her to get to the state she wants to be in (whatever that is).
Again, you're mindreading. W isn't out to destroy the R. She simply wants out for now. That can change down the road which is why you must work on being the contrast to the AP by being upbeat, light, breezy, and slap on that smile when you interact with W. That's called "re-attracting" your spouse.
It is another tough concept to accept that divorce is ineveitable but may not be the end of our relationship.
Have you not learned anything here in DB-land? A D isn't always a given just because someone files some paperwork. We have had many, many success stories when things really looked truly bleak only to be pulled out at the 11th hour....literally.
I have been told that the AP is not the reason for the D but is a symptom of the failure of our marriage. Does it make it easier for WW to leave when they have someone lined up already? Is that what they tell themselves to make it easier? It does not make sense that ourmariage collapsed as soon as AP was on the scene.
Is this spart of the script?
For many WASes, they're already at the vulnerable position and once they open up to another party outside of the marriage....their attention is to that person instead of their spouses. The OW/OM is just there for the taking. That is how it was with my own OW...just available. Which is why we talk about "affairing down" a lot around here because oftentimes they're just as broken as the WAS is.
The more the affair goes on, the more the true self of the affair partner comes out in play which breaks the rose-colored glasses that the WASes wear when viewing the AP. It's at that stage when fights start happening and conflict arises. When WASes reaches that particular stage, it is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL that the LBS acts positive, breezy, upbeat, and fun because it is attractive.
This is where the comparison begins in the WAS' mind: gee, my spouse is cool...I enjoy being around him/her. Then the OP fights against the WAS ...some even try to issue ultimatums such as "me or your wife/husband."
Which is why Cadet is spot on with 'the gift of time' comment....use it wisely to focus on YOU and self-improvement.
