Friends today is a tough day. I don't want to ever give up. I feel like if I just let her leave what does that say about how I feel toward her. But I guess it means that I feel toward her how she feels about me right now. That there is no love, no spark, and no connection. But it's so dang hard to just say ok leave, take your heart with you. I know I can make it through to the other side of life, but my patients and thoughts are trying to tell me otherwise.
I tried to quickly and to robustly to fix my marriage. Especially since there was just too much to fix on my part. I screwed up, I did things to show her I hated her, and that she was ugly or unattractive. The whole time holding in how bad I really felt about myself. I don't want to be alone, but I just don't have a choice. I feel wasted and exhausted, everything I had, is all used up. I need to turn around and take care of myself, but I just want to lay in bed and cry. This [censored], but I have to keep fighting, only this time for me and my needs. I am such a selfish person, I have to face that, and find a way to get rid of it. Help others or something. I don't want to be selfish, I just want to share something and be happy about it.
Okay rant over for the day. But I think I may be back for more, just need to keep releasing all this venom.
