Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Pyrite]

Earlier, first thread is here.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2555875&#Post2555875

To recap and summarize. My wife unilaterally ended the marriage without any option of recourse in early Jan 2015. Effectively, less than 2 weeks later we were separated. I suspected OM (work colleague) and via innocent google search blew lid off at least emotional attachment in Feb 2015. Pleading in January, one way email contact in February, almost no contact in March, April. W is determined never to re-engage in M.

Basically she was unhappy in the M, which is my fault and due to my depression taking its toll. I think my "depression" was really resentment. I set my wife up to be the care taker of my ego, and when she didn't oblige I resented her for it. I hadn't always put her in this position, well not primarily, and circumstances made it impossible for my ego to be satisfied. My "depression" was very directed and more or less vanished as such when she disappeared.

Until recently I was still cycling through grief uncontrollably. Happening upon these boards was the best thing I have found to settle me. I have come further in 1 week of posting/reading here than I had in 8 weeks of IC. I THINK I want to save the M. I am still in love with my wife (well the one I knew), and I definitely want the family back together for my children. I am hurt and angry that she could be in love with another man. I am plagued by a quote (something like) "Would you M someone you knew was capable of cheating on you." There are also some things on her behalf that were really unhelpful. I haven't commented on any of these, because they are nothing anyone can help ME with anyway.I acknowledge my role in the demise of the marriage. Maybe I'm not fully aware of everything I did, but without talking to her I never really will be.

In any event, in any future, my ego problem needs to be dealt with. I am amazed how my attitude has changed the past week or so. 2 weeks ago I was so far from being detached, I was still getting anxious and short of breath fighting with her in my head. I am so much calmer now. .

Anyone who is still in this boat of hurtling recklessly through grief, i really recommend detaching from the situation. I was skeptical that I could do it, or that it could be done. I even didn't want to do it. I wanted to be sad, angry etc. Sounds crazy but thats how it was. I even didn't want to do it because I was scared I could just rationally choose when to turn my love on and off. But it got to a point where I was scared s**tless. I lost my cool in a discussion with my wife over co-parenting arrangements. I am lucky to have 50/50 custody. Anyway, she threatened an intervention order. I was reeling, running off the different scenarios in my head. This could get a hell of a lot worse for me if I didn't learn to control myself.

So I made the extra effort to detach. For a few days I forcibly pushed any thought of her or the M out of my head. Now I dont even really have to try (most of the time). It really worked! And the best part is that now I can think of her or the situation without going crazy. If/when I start to I just block it out again. Well I try to. I still have good times and bad times. The good times are more like tolerable than joyous. And it is also hard to say because I am with my girls ATM and that always has changed everything. Edit: Oh, and it didn't really turn my love off at all.

I am still thinking about what my issues are, how I might address them, whether I want the M. It is just impossible to think longer term about anything. We have custody, property issues to sort out etc. My forward window really doesn't extend beyond a fortnight. I am trying to get used to a day at a time way of thinking. It is hard for me to NOT plan.

I posted earlier about a visit from my mother-in-law. I would like someones opinon about that. I'm sure I broke the rules and told her too much. Not that it will necessarily get back to my wife. My W Mum is more in the dark than I am. It is a secret that she even came to visit me.

Also, any thoughts on how you can be sure that you want the M back?

P.