Hi all. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. This week is a wk off of chemo. YAY!! I go back next week. Boo! It's 3 wks on with one wk off. So my energy is up but I really don't sleep. It's 5a and I haven't slept at all. I join my 3rd child in sleeplessness. Weird. I think the whole cancer thing scares my children. I lost all my hair and beginning some eyebrow loss. yuck!!!
I do wear a scarf around the house but put a wig on when we go out. I'm not comfortable with just a scarf outside. So hence the wig which looks very similar to my own hair. Though I did consider going bright pink wig - ;-)Trying to maintain normalcy otherwise. H hasn't seen me like this nor do I want him to.
On the MLC homefront. So my H had two good visits with the children this week. He kept the conversations light. He still mentions the OW as "her", "my friend", "that lady". Never mentions her by name. But one of my children happen to see his FB on one of the visits, when he showed them some picture or video that the OW posted and my child gave me a hint of a name. Then there I go... I just have kind of a first name and I begin searching all over the internet. No such luck. Ugh! I begin to thinks it's either a wrong name or an alias.
Then on the next visit, H mentions that OW owns a bar. So guess what I did...internet! Her name was nothing like what my children had mentioned. Nevertheless, Found her!
Turns out that H did mention this woman to me last year in passing conversation way before he left.
This is how he told me ... guess who I ran into at my job. I said who. He says, John Doe's wife. SO where is John Doe? Then H proceeds to tell me that he is in shock cuz John Doe died. I'm so shocked!! So I said, what was she doing at your job. (I never met her and only knew John Doe back then.) He said that he didn't know why she was there but she had her children with her. Hmmm! Wierd!? So I looked up John Doe and he had died and left behind a wife and 3 children (the obit even mentioned their exact names). John Doe died last Feb and I am assuming my H started talking to her then or maybe before. I dont know.
Now, John Doe used to be a coworker with my H about 15 yrs ago but then left the business to open a bar. And seemed to be doing very well. Hence, OW has cash to fund this new relationship.
I find out through FB that there was a day a few weeks ago that H called to reschedule our children's visit cuz his company gave him "a" basketball game ticket and he couldn't take all of the children. Guess what? He actually took OW and her kids!!!! UGH!
My mind is whirling around something I really shouldn't care about. But it bothers me to no end. This OW. This FB page she has doesn't show my H in recent pics but I found one of her and my H embracing each other (like front hugging)plus a few other pics at her Bday party back in January. UGH! UGH!!!
I start thinking, so he left cuz she owns a business and has money. Of course, He likes that. He hated the fact that we had to budget. He hated to be told no...we can't afford this or that. He also wanted to start a business, and now OW is saying she could help him open a business next to her bar and that our older children could work for him. He seemed to like that idea and proposed it to them. They said, they might think about it. (this bothers me too that he wants to be liked by them so badly) he paints a great picture. H still wants our youngest child to live with him because he keeps asking our child- do you want to live with me? Child responds - no. I want to live with both of you. :-( H doesn't like how our children really don't want to be with him. He knows this. Remember, he said that his reputation means everything to him. He wants people to see him as a great guy, a great dad, a great Christian. Appearances matter...thanks FB. (sarcasm)
It makes me sad. So sad. I pray that I am not jealous or envious of this OW. I dont want my children to be swooned by her either. Cuz, H brought Easter baskets that included candy and $25 gift card for each one of the children. I know she's trying to be "nice" as I think that if I dated someone, I would want them to be nice to my children too. Just that, this OW has a tainted reputation already. Children know H left me for her. Not good!
He's involved himself in her life and her kids lives. They just lost their dad last year and some of her posts are how sad they are, how difficult it is this Feb to mark the anniversary of his death. Then I think again, was she involved with my H before her H died? When did my H and this OW hook up? Why does it matter? Why am I thinking about this?
If I go to the store, I'll know what she and her kiddos look like now so, that's kind of a relief. I won't be so paranoid looking around. But at the same time, what if I run into her at the gym, a restaurant, church...will I, or should I talk to her?
Any whoo...I just wanted to vent this out. I know I shouldn't worry about anything he's doing but this bothers me a lot!!!I'm just ranting. Ranting, ranting, ranting. saying nothing but what I'm sad about. So sad. I have so much pressure rght now, all I can do is cry. Crying that he left. Crying that I am in a club that I don't want to belong to.
I want to concentrate on my health and my children but I keep getting this MLC'er interruptions. Y'all ... I need words of wisdom. i've been praying and don't want to obsess over this cuz it won't help anyone. Especially my health.
What do y'all say? I just want peace in my spirit. This isn't giving me peace at all. Knowing who she is does help but now what?
Thinking of when did they talk? what does she say? Is she in a hurry to replace her H so that her kids have a dad? Why does this bother me? Is this an affair up? She's the sugar mama that my H has always kinda wanted.
I don't know ... Lord help me! Help me navigate these feelings. Please don't let me distracted by this stuff. vent
Thanks for letting me vent. Now I'll go to bed. Just wondering what's next.
Thanks again y'all for this great forum and sounding board even when I don't make any sense.
