Nole_Girl (1) Intro

[Zues126]

Thanks for sharing Nole. We're not judging harshly I might add. I admire the fact that you're putting so much in to becoming a better person, a better W, and standing by your M even when you don't feel like it and it's no fun.

One thing that was pointed out to me was that how my WAW felt was what mattered. It didn't matter if I AGREED or not with why she felt that way. If she felt that way strongly enough to walk away than it was an issue.

Your H has left and said that he can never be M to you again. That's pretty serious. These comments: "most of them have changed...they haven't happened since", and "I don't feel I'm verbally abusive", and "I don't know what he means not spiritually matched"...they really are saying "I've made enough improvements he should be happy and not have left me over it". And while YOU may feel that way, he clearly doesn't. As long as you have the perspective that you've pretty well patched things up and he's just impossible to please, overreactive, unappreciative, and disloyal...well, it's hard to take working on yourself seriously.

Let me reiterate, it's NOT black and white. I'm NOT saying you were a verbally abusive selfish controlling nag that drove him away, that he was right to leave you, or that you haven't put in tremendous sustained effort. That's NOT what I'm saying at all.

What I am saying is that if you truly want to respect your H's opinion, you have to start with the biggest opinion he's shared, which is that the things he's shared about your M are powerful enough that he had to destroy his own M to escape them. That's a pretty big statement. He didn't leave the M for the second time over a 3 year old issue that he was too stupid to realize you'd changed.

Take his feedback very, very seriously, and see if you can get to the point where you can acknowledge it without defending yourself. That takes real strength, because it requires faith that you can do better. When you feel you're doing the best you ever possibly could, then we need to defend ourselves and we feel like victims. If you trust that you are capable of continuing this growth, overcoming ALL of these challenges to a level you didn't believe possible...then it's actually empowering to hash through this because it's the very road that will leave to the restoration of your M, or at the very least becoming the person you want to be, and a person that will have a GREAT future M and not go through this again!

Tonight know that I AM proud of you for doing your best when you have no reason other than your own values to do so. And all the growth you've made, even if it was too little too late, is real and good. Keep taking steps and keep posting. Thanks Nole.