Nole_Girl (1) Intro

[NoleGrl]

Pilot-You are right, it seems so unfathomable that it takes people months or longer to figure out what they want.

Zues-As part of our separation plan we agreed not to date. While I don't have any proof that there is an OW, I believe that there is. I saw a picture on FB of him and a girl I have suspected something is going on with earlier this week. I confronted him but he swears that they are just friends. I really don't believe him. The problem is I'm not so sure he is confused. I think he wants a divorce (pretty much told me so tonight) but hasn't had the courage to tell me because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. I think he was just waiting for me to get tired of waiting for him so he can blame it all on me.

[pilot]

Ask yourself if your H having an affair with OW is a deal breaker. If it is, and you strongly suspect, then you need to take the steps to find out for sure. If it is not a deal breaker, then as hard as it is, ignore it. And yes your H is going to swear up and down D is the only answer. My W did the same thing. She was having an A and basically rubbing it in my face. She even filed for D. But.....she never served me. She would never sit down to discuss how to settle the D without an attorney. At the same time she never wanted to discuss the M either and still insisted D was the only answer. She filed last May. Her filing expired because she did not serve me. I filed in a new state where we both had moved. I served her. And at this time. she is still dragging her feet. Her answers to discovery questions were due a little over 2 months ago. She has yet to turn them in. For someone who is so confident that D is the only answer, other than filing last May, she has done nothing to facilitate it.

Keep your chin up! It stinks where you are now, we all can relate. Focus on you and GAL. It is the only way you are going to get through this with your sanity. Plus it helps pass the time while your H does his own thing on his own time.

[NoleGrl]

What would he say are the reasons why he can't be with you? Did you try to make any changes after the first reconciliation? Did they last, and did he acknowledge them? What about now? What are his "deal breakers"?

He has said I am too controlling and I am "verbally abusive". He says I don't respect him and that we aren't "spiritually matched". I would say that I am sometimes controlling, especially in regard to the budget. I disagree with verbal abuse. On some occasions during a fight I have gotten very angry and yelled, but I don't feel I am verbally abusive. I do admit to not showing respect to him sometimes. I'm not sure what he means by spiritually matched as we are both members of our church and are active in our bible study group.

The first time lasted only about a month and we never moved into different bedrooms or anything. During that time, I stated seeing our MC alone to work on some issues. I read lots of books on anger and how to diffuse it (I had a lot of anger towards him in regard to his cheating). We discussed the budget and how we could move stuff around so he felt like we had more "fun" money. I really tried to respect his opinion on things. For example, when we were laying our wood floors (he had never done it before) I tried to let him figure it out without calling my dad for help. Most of them lasted except for the anger. We were good for like 6 months, bought and moved into a new house, everything seemed good. But the more he started pushing me down the priority list, the more angry I got. I stuffed it all in until I couldn't anymore and would explode.

I don't really think he acknowledged any changes. I always felt like no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. Now, the things he can't go back to are still the things from before, even though most of them have changed. He keeps bringing up things from the first time even though they haven't happened since.

I have been trying to do a lot of work on myself. I have met with the C 2x a month since October, I have been journaling. I did a 12 week study called "What is it like to be married to me" which takes an in-depth look at yourself as a wife. I've been reading different books on marriage. My C said she can see some positive growth, even though I don't feel like it sometimes.

[Zues126]

Thanks for sharing Nole. We're not judging harshly I might add. I admire the fact that you're putting so much in to becoming a better person, a better W, and standing by your M even when you don't feel like it and it's no fun.

One thing that was pointed out to me was that how my WAW felt was what mattered. It didn't matter if I AGREED or not with why she felt that way. If she felt that way strongly enough to walk away than it was an issue.

Your H has left and said that he can never be M to you again. That's pretty serious. These comments: "most of them have changed...they haven't happened since", and "I don't feel I'm verbally abusive", and "I don't know what he means not spiritually matched"...they really are saying "I've made enough improvements he should be happy and not have left me over it". And while YOU may feel that way, he clearly doesn't. As long as you have the perspective that you've pretty well patched things up and he's just impossible to please, overreactive, unappreciative, and disloyal...well, it's hard to take working on yourself seriously.

Let me reiterate, it's NOT black and white. I'm NOT saying you were a verbally abusive selfish controlling nag that drove him away, that he was right to leave you, or that you haven't put in tremendous sustained effort. That's NOT what I'm saying at all.

What I am saying is that if you truly want to respect your H's opinion, you have to start with the biggest opinion he's shared, which is that the things he's shared about your M are powerful enough that he had to destroy his own M to escape them. That's a pretty big statement. He didn't leave the M for the second time over a 3 year old issue that he was too stupid to realize you'd changed.

Take his feedback very, very seriously, and see if you can get to the point where you can acknowledge it without defending yourself. That takes real strength, because it requires faith that you can do better. When you feel you're doing the best you ever possibly could, then we need to defend ourselves and we feel like victims. If you trust that you are capable of continuing this growth, overcoming ALL of these challenges to a level you didn't believe possible...then it's actually empowering to hash through this because it's the very road that will leave to the restoration of your M, or at the very least becoming the person you want to be, and a person that will have a GREAT future M and not go through this again!

Tonight know that I AM proud of you for doing your best when you have no reason other than your own values to do so. And all the growth you've made, even if it was too little too late, is real and good. Keep taking steps and keep posting. Thanks Nole.

[Pyrite]

hey NG,

You are lucky you are getting feedback. It is hardly a guarantee and doesn't make it any easier for you but I would consider it encouraging if my W and I had separated once before and got back together. In my case we sort of did many years ago before we were married, but that was sort of like a BF and GF thing and a different issue from the one we have now.

I am also in the position of having been the partner who was "controlling and abusive". I think there are certainly reasons I became like this towards her, but I think that is actually part of my personality. Again, I think there are reasons behind why this is the case BUT there are no excuses for being like this to my W or anyone else for that matter.

It may very well be too late already to save my M. I suspect it is. But for the sake of my own future I need to address these issues.

If your partner still "blames" the same reasons you think you have fixed then I think there are several scenarios to consider. Either you haven't really, you have but not enough for him, OR he really has his own reasons and is just using the old rhetoric. I said before it is encouraging that you have come back together after A separation, but maybe he neve really did come back, making it easier to get distracted by another woman. How was the R when you got back together?

I am only a newbie here, with D and s**t, but it is becoming clear to me that there is almost ALWAYS another man//woman. In my case I am willing to believe that at the time of BD this didn't include a sexual A at all. An emotional A is worse in my books. But it could just be another person who makes them feel attractive and so gives them the strength to cut throats at will. (Sorry, got a bit angry towards the end there)

[NoleGrl]

What I am saying is that if you truly want to respect your H's opinion, you have to start with the biggest opinion he's shared, which is that the things he's shared about your M are powerful enough that he had to destroy his own M to escape them. That's a pretty big statement. He didn't leave the M for the second time over a 3 year old issue that he was too stupid to realize you'd changed.

Take his feedback very, very seriously, and see if you can get to the point where you can acknowledge it without defending yourself.

I hear what you are saying loud and clear Zues. In theory I get that he believes the things that he is saying and that it is the truth to him. I've been reading a lot on here about how the WAS blames every problem in the marriage on the LBS so they feel better about leaving. They will take problems in the marriage and make them bigger and make us out to be the bad guy. It's so hard to not defend myself when that is happening. I know I need to be better about that because it never goes well.

If you are never supposed to bring up the R and they never do, how are you supposed to validate those feelings for him?

[NoleGrl]

If your partner still "blames" the same reasons you think you have fixed then I think there are several scenarios to consider. Either you haven't really, you have but not enough for him, OR he really has his own reasons and is just using the old rhetoric. I said before it is encouraging that you have come back together after A separation, but maybe he neve really did come back, making it easier to get distracted by another woman. How was the R when you got back together?

I think he has his own reasons that may have something (but not everything) to do with these issues. I believe that he wants to live the "single guy" lifestyle and do whatever he wants without having to explain himself to anyone. And I think that single guy lifestyle includes hanging out/dating other people. Maybe he wasn't ready to get married because I feel like he just wants to be back in college again. Currently he's living in an apartment, hanging out with younger people, going out every night...no responsibilities.

[NoleGrl]

Well, I haven't heard from H since we had the horrible D discussion on Thursday. This is the first time since all this started that he hasn't reached out at all.

Today has been really hard. H and I started doing triathlons about 6 months before we got married to get in shape for the wedding. We really liked it and it became something we did together. This morning was my first tri of the season and one that we normally do together. The whole time I was out there, I just kept thinking, oh I can't wait to tell H about this or this...because he is the only one who understands exactly what I am going through. But I can't and it [censored]. Just feeling crappy today.

Well, just got a text from H asking how it went. Do I respond?

[Cadet]

If you are never supposed to bring up the R and they never do, how are you supposed to validate those feelings for him?

Sometimes it may be as simple as listening, but other times you may just not get the chance.

Well, just got a text from H asking how it went. Do I respond?

What do you want to do?
And Why?

[Sotto]

"Well, just got a text from H asking how it went. Do I respond?"

I don't think there's any harm in responding - but keep it very brief, breezy and upbeat....Great - beat my best time ever!

Or something along those lines 4/5 words & happy