mahhhty - I'm not very familiar with your sitch but I noticed your comments re sex. I agree that the dynamic that MWD describes is an accurate reflection of what goes on between a high(er)- and low(er)-desire spouse. The Nike slogan bit - I don't find it a very useful recommendation though (as the lower-desire spouse). It certainly didn't help me crack through the issues though I know a lot of therapists say this is the solution.
If you are looking for some more books to read, you might want to check out the stuff by David Schnarch. His books really awakened me to the dynamics in play in relationships (there is a high and low-desire person on every issue in a relationship...not just sex; the low-desire person controls the outcome (just like we are seeing with our WAS now); it takes an act of integrity for the low-desire person to overcome their issues and move the issue forward). In this way, sex is just a manifestation of a larger dynamic. We all have to work through our issues...
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Good Advice Lost. I know sometime it is hard to know how I really feel in the moment, and an issue I have is that my mouth speaks before I truly think. In bad situations I am learning to control it, but in easy situations I still speak first.
An example of this was the Saturday before Easter. The convo went something like this....
Her: Would you like me to drop of the kids or do you want to come to my parents to see all the kids, and to see what everyone got for easter. Me: I guess, whatever is easiest.
I have to get better at that.
Then I thought about it, and I believed it was a bad idea, so I texted her asking to drop the kids off. She didn't respond. The lack of response frustrated me, but I let it go, as I was going kayaking anyway. On the way home from kayaking and about an 1 hour before pick up. I wrote another text stating I would pick them up. I did this b/c I had absolutely no idea where she stood on the matter and b/c I was running late. Unfortunately, it was wishy washy but in the end all was fine.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
If you are looking for some more books to read, you might want to check out the stuff by David Schnarch. His books really awakened me to the dynamics in play in relationships (there is a high and low-desire person on every issue in a relationship...not just sex; the low-desire person controls the outcome (just like we are seeing with our WAS now); it takes an act of integrity for the low-desire person to overcome their issues and move the issue forward). In this way, sex is just a manifestation of a larger dynamic. We all have to work through our issues...
gan - apparently you know me fairly well. I love to read and to learn. I will check these out. Your take on the "lower desire spouse" issue as more of an overall philosophy rather than just about sex, is an idea I have not seen yet. Although I do believe it makes a lot of sense. I believe this idea applies to my overall situation as well. I can recall multiple instances where I brought up items/topics that I wanted to discuss and I received no feedback, no resolution, no discussion of any sort back. The lack of collaboration and lack of our love languages definitely would inspire me to discuss the topic again with more vigor and passion, however, the results were the same.
Thank you for reaching out. I'll check out Mr. Schnarch.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I wanted to check in with you and see how you are. I might check out some of David Schnarch's books,too. It sounds like gan really thinks his books are good!
Take care my friend. Please let us know if you find his books helpful for your situtation.
Bob
P.S. I am on this forum now.
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. Walt Disney
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Her: Would you like me to drop of the kids or do you want to come to my parents to see all the kids, and to see what everyone got for easter. Me: I guess, whatever is easiest.
I'm sure you'd benefit from being and appearing more decisive and in control. "Whatever" is not the word of a decisive man. You have your life, your priorities, your preferences. The wishy washy stuff is not just confusing, it's unattractive to a woman. So when you have a choice, you make a clear decision and communicate it. This is not just about how to answer your ex by the way, it's about your real thought process. The reason why you say "whatever" is probably that you give very low priority to your own needs, versus that of others. I'm sure deep down you have a preference. Perhaps it's that she drops them home because it gives you extra time for cleaning. Perhaps it's meeting the family, as she offered. But I bet you silence these personal preferences before they even reach your consciousness because you don't think them worthy. Well, they are from now on. Look for them inside of you and express them without shame. It will make you and everyone around you happier.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza & Lost - You are right! This is my issue.... "The reason why you say "whatever" is probably that you give very low priority to your own needs, versus that of others."
Thank you both!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
