Nole_Girl (1) Intro

[Zues126]

When I answer that I'm writing a book and getting rich.

Obviously there comes a time. I shouldn't say obviously, there are people I've heard about that remain faithful to their vows their entire life because of their beliefs. I am probably neurotically committed to marriage, I would say however at some point there's no more marriage.

When in doubt, however, a few months never hurts. I know it feels like it's eternal, but it's really not. My D hasn't even been started yet officially, and my STBX has been with OM since BD or before. Part of me wants just wants it done, but I'm breathing deep because I need the time to heal anyway. No need to rush. I'll NEVER regret spending a year moving slowly and cautiously during this period of my life.

And you're not "letting him treat you that way". He's treating you the way he treats you. You get to decide how to respond. What do you respond to with openness. What do you respond to with common courtesy. What don't you respond to at all. How do you define your boundaries.

It's definitely a tricky spot between "keeping the road home smooth", "reattracting him", "validating", etc, and "being a plan B" or allowing "cake eating". Many people on the board would tell you to reduce contact, detach, move on, and let the chips fall where they will. My DB Coach says that tends to be overrated, and that oftentimes they need you to reattract them to some extent (without pursuing). One thing I do believe is that there is a BIG difference between how to handle it if there is an other person involved or not.

I'm sorry I don't remember the details- during your separation agreement, did you discuss whether you could see other people? Do you know whether he is?

I think this is important. If he's "just" confused (I use quotes because it is DEVASTATING and I'm not minimizing it), it may make sense to take some pressure off the M and just GAL for a while, be casual, and see what comes. My DB coach reminds me at times like that- THIS ISN'T THE MODEL for the future M, where you suppress all of your needs and just stuff it. But for a short time on occasion that is appropriate. On the other hand, if there is an OW I think there needs to be a much more drastic and firm approach (as per sandi's LBS H with a WW thread).

If you don't know I'd even consider hiring a PI to find out. That may sound insane, but there's such a big difference that I'd probably want to know. And frankly, at this point I feel that if I really couldn't figure out, I'd assume there was an OW and act accordingly. Hate to say it but the vast majority of the time there is, whether just a friend that crosses boundaries and becomes emotionally supportive, or an actual PA. I hope that's not the case but I think it's valuable information for you personally and strategically.

Vets- can you chime in on this please? BUMP!