I thought everything was okay....(Part 5)

[MCS]

So slight change of topic. I feel like I've taken another step in detachment. I thought that 'detachment' was an On/Off thing; but I see that its part of the roller coaster ride.

I think it was the Tax thing and how it just felt like she was doing everything to avoid me just because. I see that throughout that whole thing, I was really indifferent to what she wanted to do or not to do other than the monetary perspective.

So, I surprised myself the other night. I talked to the IC about this and she seemed pleased that I did this without her forcing me to consider it.

After posting about what I was missing in my Life without WW the other night, I started to think about what I was fearful about. All the things I posted seemed like they were relatively simple things to solve.

It wasn't like I was fearing never falling in love again, never meeting anyone, etc. However, I think it was more I am fearing 'looking' for a R/GF. In my head, it felt like I was damaged goods. I'm 35, have kids, have a house, a good job, etc. I felt like not being M, I would be an 'outsider' to most folks my age. It kind of feels that way right now since most of my friends are M, have kids, and spend most of their time managing those things. I'm not jealous or feel like they are not as close to me as before, it just feels like I've been thrown into a different point in life.

So, without really thinking about it; I registered for an online dating site. Now, before we get all Mozza's thread on this The reason I did it was to have a little experiment. I live in a pretty rural area. I figured I would search and get 6 or so people.

Well, I searched and I saw pages and pages of women. Some D, some S, etc. Then I started to read profiles. Most of them had kid(s) most talked about their kids in their description; how their kids meant so much to them, how they were Mom's first, etc. At that point, it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm not alone in being single while still wanting to focus on my kids. Other's talked about honesty and trust, you could tell that they had been through some bad stuff. I actually felt excited reading through the posts. Not because I was looking for anyone, but because it felt like I'm not alone.

It's almost how I feel on this board. I read through and see I'm not alone in going through the pain we all feel. Reading the online posts, I know I'm not going to be alone if/when I move on.

Now before anyone says it, I'm not interested in any dating at all right now but I do feel a lot better. I talked to a friend at work today about it, who's D and he said "MCS, when you are ready; you'll have nothing to worry about. You're not going to need to go online or any of that stuff; you're just what women are looking for: Caring, responsible, a family man, mature, dependable, etc. Don't even give that a thought about being worried about it."