hold on! - 9

[u-turn]

I had my first appointment with IC yesterday and I can't really evaluate how it went. I went in saying that I wasn't going to hold back on any part of what I was feeling, thinking, or that has happened.

I held true to that and rambled on for an hour until we ran out of time. I don't think I got anything from this except opening all these thoughts and feelings that I have had and have tried to file away. I have another appointment next week.

She did point out something that I guess I didn't realize and never really thought. Maybe I have a hard time functioning because of depression. I never really thought much of my own depression. She asked me about suicide - and I was honest with her, that I thought about it a lot - more often than I like to admit - but would never do that to my kids and W. Those thoughts always haunt me and I haven't been able to get rid of them.

She did say "you've had a really sh!tty year". I agreed.

I talked a lot about the guilt that I carry, how currently my kids are the only thing that bring me joy, but how I feel that I am lying to them and wrecking my relationship with them too.

She also asked me if I have ever considered taking anti-depressants. I have not and do not know much about that - I don't have a regular doctor, but I guess this is something to consider.

I hope the IC gives me some tools or direction and not just open up wounds. I don't really know what to expect. I hope this counselor is the right person to see.

(I wish somehow I can tell W that it would be a good idea for her to see someone about all of the things she is going through). My IC wondered if we were going to a MC. I didn't have a plan for that at the moment.