Help dropping the rope

[Cadet]

I need to go write on a blackboard that 'the outcome of my marriage is out of my control.' maybe after 15,000 times it might sink in to where i will stop trying to understand what is going on and what more can i do to help the outcome.

Let us know when you have finished this assignment

[Zelda09]

Zephyr, try a couple of articles out there very much in spirit of DR that helped me enormously today - in dropping that rope. Fcuk Yes or No. My Girlfriend Dumped Me. It was like all 15k times after reading those a few times each.

[Cherry]

Zephyr it's tough it really is, I'm like you worrying that if I'm too nice it's persuing or if I'm too distant he will go look for it elsewhere. He actually came back after I hadn't seen him a couple days and was more like himself- asking me to hang with him, watch movies, order in etc. then he flips back.
My way I've been dealing with things that he seemed to respond to is act confident ( I stick on happy music while I make food/ do chores/ sort baby etc). I sing, I dance (like the old ME). And this was a thing he commented on what was making him question his original decision to d me. He says he's watching me just getting on with things.
This is a bit of a 180 for me. So you do whatever the heck you need to do to make YOU feel good. Your a dad, a h, but what makes you you? What do you enjoy? What will make you happy. Whatever your answer to that is- go do it. Take your trip to Ireland - go to your concert. She probably will be baffled as to what you're doing but she will also be fascinated as to who this exciting new guy is. And if you keep your actions consistent- she will start to believe you are genuine.
And it is a good feeling when you realise you've switched rolls and now you are the confident one and SHE is the one asking you where you are going etc?

Chin up, you are doing great!!

[Zephyr]

Thank you all!!!
I will read those articles Zelda when I get home from lessons and swimming tonight.
Cherry, your support is always welcome. We are walking the same path me thinks.
Cadet...will do!

[Zephyr]

Read the articles that Zelda posted last night before I went to bed. There was a third on boundaries...all very eye opening.
The quick description of the fixer - victim relationship is pretty spot on. I've been trying to stop being h fixer / perfectionist / nice guy persona that garuntees true, down-the-core unhappiness with ones self. It is hard to look deep inside and actually see her you have become a liar and a wuss. it is easy to see how this in unattractive.

After guitar lessons I bought a new guitar case, thought it was a good idea and didn't think twice. I have always had buyers remorse anytime I treated myself to anything nice. Every time I was faced with a choice between functional or fun, superfluous or no, I always option for the cheap version nor went without to save money, to work for the future or whatever it was in my head that I thought to convince myself it was the right thing. Now I'm faced with a future of financial hard times despite all of my planning. I will likely lose my house despite all of the hard work and money ice put into it..best laid plans I guess. I felt good about that case though.
It is Friday morning and I have a busy day ahead.

[Zelda09]

I loved that boundaries article, Zephyr. I saw myself completely as you did as the rescuer, fixer - and the resulting roller coaster.

Onward and upward.

[Zephyr]

I am tired of this anxiety and dread. I read Foggs posts today and it made my stomach hurt as I put myself in his shoes for just a moment. My heart bleeds for him. I couldn't help but think that they were the same damned shoes as mine, maybe different color or size...but the same. I need for the pain to stop, I will not allow m myself to be betrayed that completely ever again. I think my path is clear. I need to save myself from my old self. I need to stand for me. I need to make it absolutely clear that I will not allow myself to be treated like a worthless piece of spit because I am not. I will not allow myself to be so completely disrespected with the lies, deciet, mistruths, whayever you want to call it.

I have dug and dug to find what the problems were with me over the last year+. What was wrong with me. Why was I so unlovable. Why did i feel so worthless and alone. I had been beat down and buried by loyalty, dedication, trust, duty, devotion to a dream, faithfulness...whatever i used toconvince myself to give at all costs. I just kept on keeping on. I found this guy down in the bottom of that hole and I have been helping him climb out and he is seeing the light of day and the freshness of a future. I like this guy. I am pretty sure he is going to be sad, but I know he is going to be ok, likely better than ok.
I'm not gonna lie, I am both excited and trepidatious at the same time.

Now maybe it time to think about how to implement this boundary and exactly how to enforce it. I realize it could ultimately mean losing my children my saving and my home, my companion...but I cannot be held hostage for as long as she sees fit. I would like to be happy. In would like to start to enjoy my life again. I certainly cannot tell someone not to betray me. I cant throw them out if rhe house is hers and there is no safety issues (which there has never been, and sshe has been the most pleasant she has been to me in years over last 4 mos) I cant just preach for hour about being hurt or whatever. I think this is the part where I say, oh I get it. (thank you guys and gals) I need to just let things be and start living my life for me. I need to share my house with a woman that I still love, but she is no longer my wife. I will be respectful but not a wuss. I need to make sure that I am protected against financial ruin (I am having my paycheck split so a majority goes to personal checking account to make sure I can pay all of the bank notes & credit cards - it will make bill paying easier for me anyway...should have done this months ago to save check writing and stamps). Most of all I need to shed the super husband uniform and do what I want. I will be an amazing father...but I cannot let my life revolve around my children. I cannot sacrifice every spare minute of my existence for them. I need me time and I am going to start back golfing this spring. I am getting my fishing license this Sunday.
What am I missing? I need to sit down and have a glass of water.

Funny wife has been sending texts all morning...she usually texts and calla throughout the day. Last one asked how day was going...thanks for getting kids out door...hope day goes better for you. That was before I read Foggs posts a few hours ago. Just replied that I'm having a great day. Thx.
Now to get some work done.

[Cherry]

Ugh I know exactly what you mean with the anxiety and dread. I just wrote a post about my little pity party I'm throwing myself.

I love your analogy about the man at the bottom of the hole that's exactly what it's like- and over the years all the sand has been dumped on- and it's time to dig that person out!! We honestly do deserve the best and to be happy. I guess I'm the early days it's hard- and it does hurt like hell.

[Zephyr]

Cherry, i have been hurting for years and had no idea why. even before the wife told me that she was unhappy and had one foot out the door 3+ years ago. it has taken me soooo long to start moving in the right direction. it may very well be a very long ride ahead still. I did not have this site to help me though...i always felt alone in the dark...making the same damned mistakes that so many others have made. you are doing great!!! ups and downs are expected.

[Cherry]

So since you started DBing- is that when you started to see more positives. The mood I'm in, I honestly don't wanna waste the rest of my 20s on this excuse of a man.