I know she is seeing OM now as well. Says just an old friend, but nothing going on. He mysteriously pops up in places. I know what to do, but have a hard time letting go. It's so sad, that we are told I don't want you, but we can't stop thinking they are lying, or just need woke up. I am going to do my best to just breathe and focus on myself and my kids. I do want a happy life, just need to be alone right now to find that place.
Yes I was seeing a counselor, but I simply can't afford it. No insurance coverage, and it's just too much. But once everything settles down a bit, I'm hoping I can find a way to go back and start again. It was very helpful, and after I quit, I could tell a change was happening. I was starting to revert back to what I didn't want.
The last couple of sessions in counseling were starting to deal with my porn addiction problems as well. That was very helpful, I have to realize that is why I did a lot of what I did. I didn't any to touch her, didn't want to face reality, and I was wanted her to be more like the woman I was watching. And that's not really the case, I was hiding my insecurities with things under the addiction. It was the only thing that made me feel good.
I have been going to another site, devoted to this problem. I am trying to seek some support and guidance for that there. It has only been a short time, but I am hoping all of this will lead to better things. I really had a wake up moment last week. I know we have these from time to time, but it really hit home. I did love my W, and I did want to be able to be with her. But right now, I can't even be there for myself. Without that I am nothing.
I have been tripping over myself to be nice to the WAW since we moved back in. That was absolutely the wrong thing to do. Totally lost vision of me, and how badly I was just fawning over her. That's just not healthy, for either of us. And when she said you are not attractive to me, it was the straw that broke my back. Inside I lost it, outside I held it together. But inside I was a mess of emotions and anger. That's where my light came on. What am I doing this for? I'm killing myself and she is literally just laying in bed doing nothing. I have had enough, but it still hurts the same.
No I don't go to church. I have researched some low to no cost, but can't find any that would work. But I will continue on that route. Try to find something.
Here's to a new day. I'm sad, just as sad as ever. But if I want anything in life, it's got to come from inside me. It's got to be true to myself. I have an addiction, and I let it ruin something pure and innocent in my life. But I'm not going to let it rule the rest of my life. If my W doesn't want to be here so be it. I can't change that, I can only be me, and move forward. I'm really going to fight this, and it's going to take all my patients and all my time. But sooner or later, I will walk away with a better life.
The W if moving out again. Next weekend is the date. I have such mixed emotions. On one hand I know it's better, but on the other I'm just not happy to see her go.
Friends today is a tough day. I don't want to ever give up. I feel like if I just let her leave what does that say about how I feel toward her. But I guess it means that I feel toward her how she feels about me right now. That there is no love, no spark, and no connection. But it's so dang hard to just say ok leave, take your heart with you. I know I can make it through to the other side of life, but my patients and thoughts are trying to tell me otherwise.
I tried to quickly and to robustly to fix my marriage. Especially since there was just too much to fix on my part. I screwed up, I did things to show her I hated her, and that she was ugly or unattractive. The whole time holding in how bad I really felt about myself. I don't want to be alone, but I just don't have a choice. I feel wasted and exhausted, everything I had, is all used up. I need to turn around and take care of myself, but I just want to lay in bed and cry. This [censored], but I have to keep fighting, only this time for me and my needs. I am such a selfish person, I have to face that, and find a way to get rid of it. Help others or something. I don't want to be selfish, I just want to share something and be happy about it.
Okay rant over for the day. But I think I may be back for more, just need to keep releasing all this venom.
