My heart just breaks for you. I too feel many times that what's the point of having worked so hard - just to have if all implode. There have been days where I didn't know if I had the will to continue.
I have two young children which makes it hard for me, they are scared and confused and my WW doesn't seem to care. All she cares about is her fantasy life that diesn't amount to hill of beans.
My WW told me that our entire marriage was like a prison sentence and how awful it was. She said it was just much better for you than for me. I know that is a lie even if she believes it. I was there when we got married 3 times, I was there when our children were born, I was there when the chips were down, during the good days and bad. I was there every single day of the 19 years of our marriage.
There are days I am treading water, there are days when I am under water and then there are days where I am above it.
Your relationship was not a sham, you matter and your life matters. Everything she says is not gospel. Just remember she is a lost soul right now.
Hang on during stormy seas Kramer, I will pray for you and I hope you do the same for me.
I appreciate your input. I really do. It is important to keep a positive attitude. However, you are both young and I am old. My kids are grown, and I have served my purpose. I have many good memories and did my best to be a good father and husband. I do not want to have to go through the whole dating and getting to know someone stage. I have already failed at 2 marriages. I have tried to live my life as a kind, honorable, and caring person. I am proud of my family and lessons that I have imparted.
I am not bitter. I am not trying to garner sympathy. I want nothing, other than to feel needed, wanted, and appreciated. I do not see that happening anytime soon.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
I also feel like giving up. That I failed. I wanted kids and I don't know how that can be possible now. I feel like I could never trust anyone again, and wonder about my own intuition.
You're not so old. If I found a 51 yo man that I believed was dedicated, a good communicator, with shared values and was just as crazy about me as I was him - it wouldn't be a question. I intend to heal and love again.
I hope you surprise yourself, and when I say that, I don't mean to argue with how you feel now.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Yes, any woman would be crazy to not love a 51 year old man who is loving and loyal and make a good living. Kramer, give yourself a chance when your heart heals. You will be pleasantly surprised I bet.
I'm still trying to do the right thing regarding communication. I have been dark for the last few months other than legal issues. I have now hired a lawyer, and no communication at all this who'll week, from her or me. I tried to get her to mediate with me without lawyers, but she would not, so I hired a lawyer.
Since legal representation creates an adversarial relationship with her, how do I communicate and remained detached, but not aloof or spiteful? I do not want to close any doors, but do not want to be walked over either.
Please help me formulate a game plan.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Please tell me how I should handle communication under these circumstance, so as to not completely close the door.
The last communication between us was a one word text from her on Easter that said "Easter". Both of us can be headstrong. Are we now in the pattern of seeing who will flinch and communicate first? Should I remain dark and let her initiate any communication?
We have no children together and bills have all been separated. The only required interaction between us will be signing tax return and each paying our half of the bill by next Wednesday, and ongoing divorce negotiations. Actually, I have hired a lawyer and I'm sure she will now do the same. Her lack of communication coincides with her getting letter from my lawyer. She had not wanted to get lawyers involved. I was initially agreeable to that, but I did not agree with her terms. I sent her an email a few weeks ago asking her to negotiate with me, but she did not, hence the hiring of a lawyer.
I suspect that this hiring will be the final nail in our relationship's coffin, although that's not what I want.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
I suspect that this hiring will be the final nail in our relationship's coffin, although that's not what I want.
Let me comment about this. Part of the script is for the relationship to be destroyed in this process. You can not stop it or control it. You are responsible for 100% of your half of the relationship, no more.
That being said it is my honest belief that the LBS is the one that gets to decide in the end what the relationship is going to be. For those of us who have not yet gotten to decide my guess is that it is not yet the end.
I know that this also sounds very counter intuitive but hey thats what DB is, right?
Your words are cryptic and I'm trying to figure out what you mean. Please dumb it down a little for me. I really am interested in good advice.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
You have an EXPECTATION about this being the final nail in the coffin. Am I correct here?
What I am a saying is that the LBS has the final say in the relationship, even though it does not seem that way right now.
How long will that take? - I have no clue.
You have heard about a script that they follow? Part of that script is that the relationship must be totally destroyed by them in order for them to progress to where they think that they want to be. You have read about cheeseless tunnels? Well they must go down every one of them searching for cheese.
So our task is to not enable them to destroy our portion of the relationship. For us not to follow them down cheeseless tunnels. For us to control our 50%, and not let them destroy us!
Last suggestion. Start a new thread and we can discuss this further.
