I feel that way too. I haven't stopped loving my H. But I find it hard to 'imagine' us together again. And is that what I really want? It's hard to stay loving in the face of WAS behaviour, so it's understandable to feel confused.
I think RD is right to suggest patience and letting your feelings settle. surprising things can happen and time will tell for us all.
((Pink))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
This is a journey and you have work to do on Pink.
H is meeting in Hotels clearly OW is not a long term proposition for H. Tart au Citron is sour and the pastry is soggy on the bottom. If H goes to a foreign country he may eventually be on his own and at minimum dependent upon a travelling TauC, wondering what she is up to with others in foreign hotel rooms! I doubt this is more than a dalliance for TauC, she may have a man in every branch office exploring those fancy French knickers of hers. Wake up for H!
I suspect that is why he wants Pink in reserve. All the more to let H meet his match.
Thank you for answering the questions for me, it has helped me understand a little more and given insight into Pink and her M.
Some of the things you say may be part of H forever,.
So I am going to ask what are the deal breakers for Pink in H behaviour (other than TauC)?
What are the things she can change so that in this R or on her own a new path is ahead?
Have a wonderful time, a break from it all. Above all GAL!
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/09/1502:01 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I loved reading about your Rocky Mt Adventures!!! Like you I have an adventurous side which I always tried to share, but once the kids came the X was very hesitant to be involved with that piece of me any longer. I bet your boys had a blast. One thing, I have had to consider is that I enabled that behavior... Similar to the MWD takes one to tango principle. For every action/characteristic of your husband you have enabled in some way shape or form. The last couple posts seem like you are dissecting him to say he was never this or that.
Just my two cents.
I always liked this adventure quote...Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way. - Dr. Seuss
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Hello RD, V, T and Mahhty... thanks for the input. Lately, the only time I can think a little more clear is when I have your questions and comments.
I wish I could lie to my face and see a different H, but it wouldn't be fair with myself. Like Mahhhty said, I enabled my H to do what he did. In some ways I believe I did not have a choice. My H always travelled and I was the one at home, so I did it all.
Now, I see that I did what I could with three small children to raise and all the responsibility to myself, alone with no family in a foreign country. I am a survivor and I fought a lot to have it all done.
If H was a different man, maybe he could see that every time he came back from a trip, that he could step in and help with the load. He could give me attention that I so much needed.
So many times I told H I was feeling alone, that I had children and some friends to talk to, but I want to have some time just with him and nothing happen. So many times I want to go somewhere with him, so I needed to make reservation, get a babysitter, resolve the food stuff for the kids, and then I would be able to go out with him.
I wanted a different man, I wanted the one that would call me and say I made a reservation somewhere and would like to go out with you. Or I got tickets for a movie I think you will like. But nothing, he could always arrange his stuff, his outings, but not ours.
RD is quite right when he says I need to settle my feelings now. I am not very sure of anything these days.
I know I do not want my old M back and I do not want my old H back. I do not love many things in my H.
Sometimes I think that what is keeping hanging in there is the pain of rejection, betrayal, lies, disrespect and 18 years of M just dissolved like it never meant anything.
I am quite tired of my H dirty world. Lies, drugs, OW, selfishness, disregard for his own kids. It's all a bunch of nonsense that makes me disgusted.
I felt I loved him so much, and yet now I feel it is sleeping through my fingers. Every time I get to this point of feeling nauseous about someone, it is my limit and I will let it go, and I feel this way about this man.
He played with my feelings, he humiliated me, he hurt me and he is hurting my children. He is an abomination of a H. I think it is so possible to hate him now. And if this needs to happen, then be it, I will let it happen, I will hate him.
I am having a good day today. I don't feel like crying. I am not nervous, not anxious. I am quite in peace with myself.
Yesterday, H had a chic fit because the bank was negative. Well, I do not have a crystal ball to transfer money from one account to the other when he spends too much money. So, I called him and said that I would do the transfer and everything would be OK. I apologized for the inconvenience, he also apologized for not telling about his withdraw, then I said that I was not checking on the account because lately I really do not care anymore.
H start saying that it was his fault and blah, blah and I said Good Buy. That's it, did not want to hear anything from him. Said goodbye and off the phone.
I felt good. I can feel I am getting free of him. He has been my nightmare for quite awhile, but I am waking up for my sunshine.
I love myself, I want myself and I do not need this man to just humiliate me anymore. He needs to grow up and learn how to respect others.
Great post Pink. You do deserve better and your H will have to change if he wants back into your M You sound very positive and that's great to hear and you deciding to give yourself time to think. Love the last paragraph Pink is starting to roar and H had better sort himself out or he will be the big loser.
Good to hear you sounding feisty my friend. I agree with RD, I'm glad to see you not taking any cr@p from your H....
If he wants something to change, there are some important things he needs to do....
BTW, I'm reading Chapman's Love Languages (my April self-help read) right now. And it's very interesting. Reading your post, I thought - I wonder if Pink's primary LL is quality time?
Hope you enjoyed the rest of the time in the mountains, and I hope that you continue to feel at peace with yourself......whatever your H may be doing....
(((((Pink)))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So H came to the house yesterday during lunch time. My car was in a driveway and he got into the house with his key anyway. No privacy from him. I was at work, but he could think I was home.
The kids told me that he said hi and asked for a sleeping bag, he then told the kids that he would be in a trip until the weekend and asked then if they would like to go skying on saturday or sunday.
H does not measure how much he hurts the boys. This is their spring break and he did not spent any time with them. He just do things for himself. It's amazing that he is divorcing me and his kids too.
The boys said that he was acting strange, like he tough I was home somewhere. I have the tax return papers right by the front the door on the bench and he did not take them. So much for asking the papers last weekend. Now, I will probably see him in a house doing taxes this weekend.
The cycle, he talks about going to the mountains and then comes to the house the whole weekend. I need to be strong this time, prepare myself to get away from him. I know his game, I know the cycle and how things get. It's up to me to stop this.
It's very hard since he start talking about us, our lives. Many times I got involved thinking that we were trying to understand each other. But this is just his way of getting closer. I wish I could grasp of why he does this things. I don't get it. My mind is not distorted this way and I don't see the meaning of all what he does.
Maybe because he is in a crazy mode, doing things that hurt us and don't even realizing it. Or maybe he wants to hurt me so much that he is hurting my kids, knowing that this is what means the most for me, since he knows I am not reacting to the other things he is doing.
He is definitely killing the last drop of R we had. My S15 said that his dad told them that he will be out for the next three weeks. He will go to Texas for a week and then to Brasil and Argentina for two weeks. S15 said: "Here we go, no father for the next three weeks, it would be easier if he was dead, at least we would know he is not trying to be absent.".
These words hurt, he is just a kid. H has no idea of the wounds he is leaving behind. He has no right to treat his kids this way. I really hope that life goes around and one day he will come to his senses and pay a heavy price for what he is doing.
He is finally doing what will make me to take him from my life once for all. Why do I want a man like this in my life? He is not a man, he is a coward, irresponsible ass. I can't see that he will ever change, he is a idiot selfish and will never do anything without thinking about himself first.
Sorry, I am just venting my hate. It is getting stronger and I am so disgusted with all what this idiot is doing. It's pathetic to see that he has no regard for anything. Maybe it is MLC, I don't know, I just know it is aggravating, insulting.
Sometimes I think that it would be so difficult to get back into some R with this man, how is it possible to let go all the wounds that are being created now.
HI Pink, you vent all you want because everything you type is true. Your H is a selfish guy but it's you that keeps letting him hurt you. I'm sorry to be tough with you but I honestly believe Pink is worth so much more than this. Take a stand for Pink and her boys. Next time he comes around treat him as a neighbour. You need to go back to DBing and let him see he might actually lose you.
Pink you are so caring and full of great advice for others but I don't think you can see your own sitch clearly. Your H is a WAS, all he cares about is H and yes, he will regret it one day but Pink needs to help him see what he is losing by her actions. I'm no expert but it's clear from your posts how much you love him and want him back and if I can see that through a forum then your H can see it.
You have being a great friend to me and lifted my spirts with the talk of meeting and I want Pink to be happy and her family to be complete again but you are in the cycle of hope and then upset. Your H is gone, I hope for the short term, but he is gone, don't engage with him re the M anymore. You have make it clear to him that you love him and he then goes back to OW.
Stay stong Pink, your H seems in a fog and your getting dragged in with him.
Pink is a catch for any man and Pink will be very happy again.
Sending lots of positive thoughts. Take Care Rd xx
Thanks RD, hope that maybe life will make you a fish in my pond and the catch will be a big prize. Who knows, my life has been always a big adventure.
You are right RD, my decision is to treat H as a neighbor, no more space for the big game. I am re reading the DB books. I am not very sure how much I want this M anymore. I have been changing, but I don't see any changes in my H.
I won't engage in M, R talks with H. I understand he does this so he feels better. It's not about me, it's only about him. Besides, I am kind of a crazy girl, like the adventure, bikes, crazy stuff. But I have a real sense of responsibility, and in regard to my family, it's the most important for me.
Have been talking to my Mom in Brasil and she has been reminding me that I never took any crap from anyone. She asked me other day, where is her daughter, the one that would stand and say: "So, what?"
I know I have been living the low side of my self confidence, but slowly I am coming back, I can feel I am becoming myself again. I was too hard on myself when this whole D started. Now, I started being more gentle and let myself comeback.
RD, thanks for all your kind words. And, I don't just lift your spirits with the talking of meeting one day. I also lift my own spirit with the tough of meeting someone that has been learning so much about R, M and love. I most specially admire you for being a great family man.
Maybe because you are like me. There is a wild side inside you and there is a big dad that care so much for family. The two should not go together, but I totally get it because I am and feel the same way.
I love the fact that you say you don't have much time for GAL because of cooking, laundry, cleaning... it takes a real man to admit that and respect that. If at least my H would be 10% of what you are.
But please, don't worry. I won't fail you, my mom, myself and mainly my kids. H will get the cold shoulder. No more Pink cleaning his crocodile tears.
