Zelda - almost there

[Zelda09]

I've identified a stumbling block. I try to imagine being with someone who loves me well and my first thought is, "Z, you were loved very well and it wasn't good enough for you."

I think of my H after he came back doing the laundry to surprise me. Or knowing I had a tough day and sitting on the dock with wine to talk about it and be there for me. I think of him rubbing my back as I had a breakdown. His arms spread wide walking down a public avenue to meet me. His anxiety if I hadn't eaten in the morning.

It wasn't consistent though. He could also be very mean if he felt small it defensive and I was doubting myself constantly. Like being on a yo-yo. And that is probably why it felt like love to me, I think. Going back to childhood.

It is important to not idealize our spouses or the M we're losing, I think. Not to become myopic and to really listen to our thoughts.

I've found its easier to say in an imaginary convo with him, "H, I no longer want to be your friend. Your friendship wasn't reliable."
Seen in those terms - I'd never put up with a friend - or draw one so close- who treated me this way. Without sex and all the life-building associations and memories, the core feelings are clearer to sort out.