Bright, I like Bea's suggestion for a schedule for the condo. It's time to set up some sort of schedule for the use of the condo so that you both can use it w/o a conflict. He's not going to like it, but hey, that's his problem. You are still his wife and you should have some say as to when you would like to use it. If I recall, you don't go there very often and it would be wise to know when you can use it so that you don't have to ask him about the availability.
You need to speak to a lawyer about setting up a separation agreement so that things are spelled out. This doesn't necessarily mean a divorce, but it helps both of you to see who is responsible for what, etc.
It's all about them and they do not care how we are doing or what we need to survive. Maybe it's time to rethink how much of your time has been used in accommodating him and his needs. It's time to put your needs first...he's certainly not going to put you first any time soon.
I do hope he comes and signs the tax forms and doesn't linger. You need to find your balance and enjoy your day. I'm sorry he shot you down about the condo for next weekend. I do hope you get to go and can find a place to stay. You owe it to yourself to go and have some fun.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gwen, Job, thanks for the advice. I did go to a lawyer a few months ago with the intent to start the separation process. I learnt a few things that stopped me going any further. In my state there is not much difference between the D and Separation. The only difference is that with Separation, neither spouse can remarry. Everything else works like in D, including the separation of finances and property.
So, what the attorney told me is that in our case, I already have the house (since H signed it out to me), but we will have to divide the condo. There is no equity to divide, the condo is under water, but H will have to refi it and take my name out of the mortgage. Even if we agree to still own it together, the court will enforce the complete separation. The attorney assured me of this.
H would not be able to refi the condo right now. He has no money. So, most likely he will lose the condo all together. And I don’t want to take the responsibility for the mortgage. It works for me pretty good right now. He pays the mortgage, and I get to use the condo.
Gwen, no, H doesn’t have any property in the state where he works. He rents a room in his buddy’s house.
Job, I used to go the vacation home quite often. I normally stay away while H is there, but during the summer I go every month.
Originally Posted By: job
...he's certainly not going to put you first any time soon.
–Yes, I just got a taste of this again. I try not to have any expectations, but deep down there is still this tiny little hope lingering every time I have interactions with H.
Anyway, the tax signing is done. It was actually last night. I was at my sister’s for dinner. We were watching the sunset and when I came inside I had a missed call from H. He left me a voice mail, telling me that he was about to board the plane, that he will be in town later at night and he would like to stop by the house and sign the taxes, instead of coming in the morning, because he wanted to leave earlier.
I called him back and I told him that I was not home and I would be home late. He said that he would still like to come over. Oh, and BTW, when I called him, he picked up the phone and instead of usual “hi” said “hi Bright”. This is different...
He texted me when he was in the neighborhood (I suppose at his brother’s). I texted him when I got home and he came.
It didn’t take long. We had a small conversation and I learnt that he actually was looking into a new car insurance. He called USAA (the vet’s organization) and they quoted him a number which was twice as much as he has now. I told him that the amount we pay now includes a significant discount (I think almost like 20%) for my professional degree, and that it would very hard to match elsewhere.
He also told me that he has to maintain some comprehensive coverage for his truck. It is still working pretty well for him (wow, this was one positive statement!) Before he would complain about the truck and how much money he puts into its maintenance and gas.
He thanked me a couple of times for allowing him to come at night and not wait until morning.
On another note… My BIL (sister’s H) told me a few things yesterday. About a month or so ago, when H was in town and met with my BIL, there was a conversation over the drinks. My BIL normally keeps it to himself, but some things come out eventually. A week later my sister told me that she heard that my H expressed some regrets. I kind of bushed it aside, because my BIL didn’t make a big deal out of it. But, the thoughts of it crept into my mind.
Yesterday, my BIL told me a little more about what H said. He said that he’s been doing some dumb things for a while now, like making bad decisions. The way my BIL explained it sounded like H also said that his head is screwed up now and he really doesn’t understand why he is doing certain things.
And interesting thing was that my sister called me later last night asking me how the visit went. I just thought about it. It is not that often any more when she wants to know. Oh, and my BIL told me before I left last night, that if he would be me, he would go home and prepare for H’s visit, meaning refreshing the makeup, the hair, looking and spelling the best. I wonder what is this about, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, I'm glad the signing of the taxes is over and done w/for you. As for the conversation that your h had w/your BIL, he may have had some regrets and was voicing those to him, i.e., using your BIL as a sounding board at that time. Until the man comes to you and tells you that he's made some mistakes and wants to try to figure things out, I would continue as you have been moving forward.
Maybe the reason your BIL mentioned freshening up is because he was hoping that the visit w/your h may give him something to think about when he's away, i.e., you.
Bright, time is on your side. For now, your man is still lost and confused and it's going to take some time for him to work things out...but, it might not be a bad idea to let your h know when you want to use the condo in the future. It doesn't hurt to share your calendar w/him when it comes to the visiting the condo and for how long.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks for your advice. You are always here for me and I appreciate it so much, you cannot even imagine.
H never used my BIL as a sounding board. This is something different this time. But… In no way I have any expectations here. I totally agree that if he is into something, he would have to come to me and talk about stuff. My personal opinion, that H was just tasting the waters to see if my family has any issues with him. I think the meeting with my BIL was the prof that my family has no bad feelings. They just want me to be happy, but they are not judging H. Well, to me they keep saying that he is a fool, LOL.
I know H is still confused. He will keep looking for a solution to his problems until he figures it out. All I know for sure that he is not going to find anybody better than me. Unless… he changes so much that he is impossible to resist… hahaha… And any woman would love to be his companion… And even then, there will nobody better than me. How about this kind of PMA!
Job, I agree that I will have to let him know when I want to use the condo. It just never was a problem before. He was either not there, or he moved out. This time he doesn’t want to move out. There might the reasons for that. It could be that he promised somebody else a free room, or whatever. I’m ok with that. I contacted my friends over there and they are arranging a place for me to stay for a moderate fee. And my GF is going with me. She had a house over there, but there are some problems with water. I don’t want to stay at the house that doesn’t have running water, so I will take my friend’s offer.
We are leaving on Friday. It could be a very interesting weekend, since I, my GF and H have quite a few of common friends who are going to be there. I have no expectations, except for me having a good time.
Having an appointment to refresh my hair tomorrow! I should look my best for the weekend!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
..... go home and prepare for H’s visit, meaning refreshing the makeup, the hair, looking and SPELLING the best. I wonder what is this about...
This error totally made me laugh!!!
Enjoy the weekend at the golf tournament!!! Stay strong and look great!
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
I didn't even notice the misspelling, LOL. It is kind of funny, because it could be almost true... English is not my first language, and H used to make fun of me for mispronouncing some words. If he did it during an argument, kind of laughing at how I said something, it made me mad, because I was not in a mood for jokes at the time. I think I made a very nasty comment one time and he stopped doing it.
Having my hair done right now. I will sure look good this weekend!
Last edited by BrightFuture; 04/10/1512:04 AM.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hey hottie bright! Get that hair done, girl! Have fun. Enjoy your moments... Enjoy your friends... Relax, unwind, and laugh.... And I will have a glass of wine this weekend and we can "cheers!"
And.... English is my first language and I'm a terrible speller. It's all good. I could have worse things wrong w me I guess!
