Hello RD, V, T and Mahhty... thanks for the input. Lately, the only time I can think a little more clear is when I have your questions and comments.
I wish I could lie to my face and see a different H, but it wouldn't be fair with myself. Like Mahhhty said, I enabled my H to do what he did. In some ways I believe I did not have a choice. My H always travelled and I was the one at home, so I did it all.
Now, I see that I did what I could with three small children to raise and all the responsibility to myself, alone with no family in a foreign country. I am a survivor and I fought a lot to have it all done.
If H was a different man, maybe he could see that every time he came back from a trip, that he could step in and help with the load. He could give me attention that I so much needed.
So many times I told H I was feeling alone, that I had children and some friends to talk to, but I want to have some time just with him and nothing happen. So many times I want to go somewhere with him, so I needed to make reservation, get a babysitter, resolve the food stuff for the kids, and then I would be able to go out with him.
I wanted a different man, I wanted the one that would call me and say I made a reservation somewhere and would like to go out with you. Or I got tickets for a movie I think you will like. But nothing, he could always arrange his stuff, his outings, but not ours.
RD is quite right when he says I need to settle my feelings now. I am not very sure of anything these days.
I know I do not want my old M back and I do not want my old H back. I do not love many things in my H.
Sometimes I think that what is keeping hanging in there is the pain of rejection, betrayal, lies, disrespect and 18 years of M just dissolved like it never meant anything.
I am quite tired of my H dirty world. Lies, drugs, OW, selfishness, disregard for his own kids. It's all a bunch of nonsense that makes me disgusted.
I felt I loved him so much, and yet now I feel it is sleeping through my fingers. Every time I get to this point of feeling nauseous about someone, it is my limit and I will let it go, and I feel this way about this man.
He played with my feelings, he humiliated me, he hurt me and he is hurting my children. He is an abomination of a H. I think it is so possible to hate him now. And if this needs to happen, then be it, I will let it happen, I will hate him.
I am having a good day today. I don't feel like crying. I am not nervous, not anxious. I am quite in peace with myself.
Yesterday, H had a chic fit because the bank was negative. Well, I do not have a crystal ball to transfer money from one account to the other when he spends too much money. So, I called him and said that I would do the transfer and everything would be OK. I apologized for the inconvenience, he also apologized for not telling about his withdraw, then I said that I was not checking on the account because lately I really do not care anymore.
H start saying that it was his fault and blah, blah and I said Good Buy. That's it, did not want to hear anything from him. Said goodbye and off the phone.
I felt good. I can feel I am getting free of him. He has been my nightmare for quite awhile, but I am waking up for my sunshine.
I love myself, I want myself and I do not need this man to just humiliate me anymore. He needs to grow up and learn how to respect others.
