i need to figure out what my next step will be. it appears that i am not deep enough into the changes at home as i should be. i still get up with the wife to get her out the door...then i have me time until i get the boys up for school. i still cook all the meals. i still do a majority of the chores (although i have been getting the boys involved much more, it feels like it is not enough shedding of the chores). Wife actually brought in the garbage cans this week (it is not enough but it is something she has never done before). i thought that was nice.
how do i ask that my wife helps more with the daily grind. ever since we've been married this has been a problem so it is nothing new. it was somethint that i used to get very resentful of at the start of all of the marriage struggles. i counted 140 days in a row that when i got home from work, there situation with the kitchen sink / etc. was worse than when i left. no matter how long i left the dishes there...it always got worse. it was something that i got pissed about and held a grudge for super long time. dinner not being made EVER when i got home from a 12 hour day or whatever...nope. Did i ever tell my wife this is how i felt, nope. i just expected that it should have been done that way. [the silent contract crapola is on me...i know this now and have stoppe]. i have also stopped trying to keep score. i just know that for any sort of equal partnership, there needs to be more EQUALITY in what is contributed. do i just wait and see how things work themselves out or is this a boundary that needs to be set (more contribution from spouse, i do not want to be the gay housekeeper or nanny or whaterver).
Besides that, her birthday, mothers day and our anniversary are all comming up this next month...it does not feel right to do nothing for any of them (i was actually going to get tickets to the Celtic Women show coming up in June for anniversary, it was awesome last time we went...and i really want to go). i am just so damned confused. on one hand it feels like i need to keep trying to be a pleasant, strong part of her life, listening, understanding, validating, stints of quality time so that she does not need to find that aspect elsewhere...on the other it feels like that could be pursuing and i need to pull back even more and just leave her to her devices. Can they be done together? Those times together are pleasant for me too. I keep getting hit with a feeling that she may be actually trying, but on the other hand that this is just her leaving bigger crumbs because she has noticed that i'm not biting at the tiny ones anymore or if she is coming back down to earth.
i have been trying to get away and do things more...i don't think i have minutes to spare in my week anymore (3-4 soccer practices a week between both boys, 2-4 soccer games a week, guitar lessons on thursday night (practice almost every night), swimming and gym 3 times a week, kids homework & shuffling them around...oh and trying to actually breath and work and sleep (keeping up on this board is quite a time investment, helps in keeping my mind less crazy).
thanks for letting me vent, needed to dump that out!
