Letting go Qs

[Kramer]

Well, she got the papers. No response from her, but her 17 year old son sent me a text accusing me of taking his moms retirement and money. I didn't respond. This should be between her and I, but I'm sure I'll be vilified to her family. More to come.

[Kramer]

No response from wife and she has received my disputed response. I'm sure she is preparing for battle and hunkering down. Makes NC easier if neither party communicates, I guess.

I realize that D is inevitable. Her actions over the last few months consistently show that she doesn't love me or respect me. I read through messages between her and boyfriend last night, and although painful, they further reinforced my decision to accept the end of our relationship. She expressed such hate and disgust toward me in those messages. Of course, she never told me how miserable she was or tried to fix things. That hurts. We never even tried.

I envy those people who discuss their divorce and say that they drifted apart, or it was amicable and both parties knew it was over. I don't dispute that my wife had those feelings, but I wish that I would have known. It causes me much internal strife and grief.

Perhaps I should find solace in the fact that her messages to boyfriend were also filled with lies about her life and experiences. Eventually those lies catch up, right?

[HeavyD]

Sorry Kramer

I am mostly sorry you had to read those texts. My experience was the same, I don't read them anymore as they just bring me down. Remember that when she wrote those, she was just not "herself" and was deep in the fog. People do all kinds of crazy and irrational things in the moment.

My WW has not responded to my L letter either. I will let the L handle it. So far, she has not hired a L yet.

The standoff continues.

[Kramer]

I didn't have to read them. I was starting to feel melancholy and missing my wife, and I needed a hard dose of reality. Those messages portray the shallow, selfish, and deceitful person that she is, and I need to remind myself of that sometimes. It hurts, but it is my reality.

[HeavyD]

Kramer

That's also known as touching a hot stove. It hurts and burns your fingers. If you want to keep getting burned, keep reading them. You know what you need to know already.

Just my opinion.

[Kramer]

Sometimes we need the pain to remind us.

[HeavyD]

What is it you want to be reminded of Kramer?

That our wives have left us for another?
That they have lied shamelessly to us and betrayed us?
That they have destroyed their families?
That they have caused so much pain that we want to die?

My therapist said to watch out for "potholes". Potholes are those things that we recognize will cause us pain, we fall in the hole, get hurt, are scared and try to crawl out of. She said to see the potholes for what they are, recognize them, and walk around them. It will save a whole lot of pain, time and energy if we fall into them again and again and again.

So when I start to feel down or bad about my crummy situation, I have to force myelf to do something or think of something else. Doing something usually means fixing something around the house, throwing out clothes my kids have outgrown, etc...
The trick is to do something to get your mind off the pain. I guess this also means GAL.

Can you do that Kramer?

That is what I am trying to do, I am tired of feeling like a victim. I am a survivor now. You are too.

[Kramer]

What is it you want to be reminded of Kramer?

That our wives have left us for another?
That they have lied shamelessly to us and betrayed us?
That they have destroyed their families?
That they have caused so much pain that we want to die?

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

I understand that I am a survivor. One day I hope to be actually living my life instead of just surviving. At this point, I am just treading water.

I have raised my kids. My relationship has proven to be a lie. Everything about my life is a sham. What's the purpose of GAL and moving forward, if it doesn't matter?

[Fogg]

It absolutely matters. Your relationship wasn't a lie, it may just appear that way because of the pain your in right now. The memories/love you had were real and no matter what W does no one can take those away from you except yourself. Don't.

Don't look so down on your life either and call it a sham. There's so much to live for in life, possibilities and futures you can't even imagine right now. You decide if you want to let this experience hold you back in the future, or use it to become a better person. Even if W is gone forever, if this experience changes you for the better (which it will if you let it) then it is an important step if the evolution of kramer. Don't give up on yourself or life. Maybe this is how it's meant to happen, a painful but necessary path to the best you. Who knows what's waiting for you in the future.

[Zelda09]

Awesome, Fogg. That's good stuff here.

Kramer, I am so sorry that you are here feeling this tremendous grief. As my IC told me, when I was practically screaming, "Was it real, did it mean anything, anything to him?" Her response - "did it mean something to you? thsrs what's important."

I sobbed and it took me a long time to get it - I'm still reeling.

But it's ok that you loved, you loved her well, you felt loved and you did your best as a H. No one, even her, can take the richness of what that felt like to you, away from you. Sure, it feels like she's pissed all over it, but it's your choice how to grieve, whether you become bitter. In time, for all of us.