Alpha One, Alpha All #

[alpha99]

I'm still feeling good after last night. I'm going out for a walk now. When I return I will sort out some bill stuff and begin looking into Ls.

I thought I'd post an update on 'signs of improvement' that I see in my sitch. Here it is:

* We have a stable parenting plan that we're adhering too very well.

* W and I are getting on a lot better this last two weeks, both in terms of text and face to face interaction.

* W is more comfortable around me.

* W has called me over non urgent matters.

* W has asked once or twice what I'm up to, how I am doing.

* She seems to be relaxing over me being present in her place. Initially she was very guarded about me snooping around her place. She still is to some extent but is easing off on that.

* W has noticed my sustained change in appearance. I caught her glancing at me in the car once or twice and sniffing out my aftershave.

GAL activities:

Long local walks.
Italian meet up.
Visit to relatives.
Fun activities with kids (at the park, cinema etc).
Joke writing hobby is underway.

* I haven't been to the gym in a few days. I plan to resume that activity ASAP. I plan to extend my GAL list by going to a pub quiz tonight, the aforementioned gym, spending more time with the kids (this afternoon for example), contacting old friends to do something (need to do that still), more visits to relatives (been invited up for Friday night stay overs).

The result of all this is that I am feeling infinitely better about myself. Last night was a turning point. I had a great time last month at the Italian meet up, but this time, being in a room with 10-15 other people, chatting, enjoying myself being immersed in a hobby, making new acquaintances, and being accepted by those people (I have a life long issue with confidence), it all showed me that despite pangs of loneliness (all too often still) and hurtful thoughts over my M/W's A, longing for W etc, that I am turning a page. Life does indeed go on and it is what you make of it.

I'm sure I'll feel down and maybe get upset at some future points (sale of family home is going to be hard to swallow), but I am developing a mindset and a confidence to deal with these things in a lot better way than previously. I don't get emotional around W anymore. She has spotted that. I use agreement whenever possible. I do hope for R of course, but I know I will ultimately be OK if it doesn't happen. My concern is how all this will ultimately affect the childhood of my children if we don't end up having R. That is what truly, really does hurt. I love them so much. They are very happy now but I feel like the wool has been pulled over their eyes. Once that is removed as they get older, where are all the family memories going to be of days out together at the park, the beach, the holidays etc. I never dreamed in my worst nightmares that we would end up here. Those children deserve the best - a happy, complete, united and loving family. I am not just fighting for my M, I am fighting for those children.