Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

Having a wonderful spring break with the kids and not missing H. It is nice to have some peace in the house. I have actually started eating like normal although my sleep is still a little screwed up from jet-leg.

H called yesterday to speak with the kids and brought me up-to-date with his interviews, although typically asked very little about my life. He commented that he is looking forward to coming home next week. My heart slightly sank as it is back to the emotional roller coaster. I was hoping to get an extra bedroom nicely sorted for him so he could have his space. However, I have no clue where his head is. I'm coming to the conclusion that if he is still on the path to a divorce than the extra bedroom is where he should be. I need my space away from his emotions and rejection. I'm considering getting a tv put in the main bedroom as I am not "allowed" to watch tv with him of an evening (he wants his space and gets very annoyed). His returning is like a dark cloud coming back. The hard part for me is I have no idea how long he is coming back for. It seems he is still viewing this as his "home base" until he ready to jump to another life.

We got a new closet room installed this week (a project which never got finished from the remodel). It is great to see projects done. D15 and I were putting my stuff into the closet and I mentioned doing H stuff. Her comment was "leave it for him to do, he's going to have to learn to do stuff on this own sometime". (wow)

I admit I have enabled his emotions. I have sorted his life. I have given him the direction and support he needed to be successful in his career. It will be interesting to see if he has it in himself to build a life and home on his own. Once he officially moves out, I predict there will quickly be an OW to play the role of secretary, housekeeper etc...

I am no longer certain about "waiting" for him as I have been waiting for 3 years and he shows no sign of emotionally coming back to the relationship. I can no longer look for little signs that he is interested in me, nor take his rejection. Waiting has killed my self-esteem and caused tremendous self-doubt. However, I am not comfortable with filing for divorce right now either (as I really would like us to R). I feel very torn so I will continue to focus on my goals and GAL.