Sound like you got some good advice here. You are a wonderful lady. And someday you can look back on this and it will be just a bad memory.
You have a lot of strength and bear a heavy load! As I found this is a good place to vent and get some advice. Feel free to come here and get things off your chest!
As I keep saying this is our H's journey and they have to travel it alone. Even if in your case he lives with you. It is plain he really doesn't love the OW, but is using here. Demons are fighting inside of him. All you can do is watch.
Sorry I'm not much help, but, you know you can count on my support!
It's been awhile since I've posted to you, but I've been keeping up with what's been going on since your h's return to your home. I'm sorry to read your h has been doing some pretty heavy drinking, especially in the past few weeks. You've said your h has always drank, but I get the impression it was more of a social drinker.
The big difference now with his drinking is his mlc. Most mlcers will try to mask the pain they are in by either drinking, being with ow, gambling, overeating, or whatever vice they turn to. Your h in this case is really no different, masking his pain, I'm sorry to say. I was hoping I was wrong when I wrote to you a few weeks back, and that his return signaled your h reaching acceptance, but it appears that your h is still right smack in the midst of replay. Yes, he may not be with ow but he still goes out to the bar and his buddies and often times stays later than you'd like him to. His emotions are very unsettled at the moment and that is also another sign of the part of replay where they are extremely confused, moody, wanting to pick fights, and following on the path of their chosen vice. Yes, he has some depression mixed in there as well, but it's not the true depression stage, depression is apparent throughout the entire mlc. He may be higher than a kite one minute and then lower than low the next. The true depression stage is down the road after he settles down a little.
Snodderly had a wonder post to you a few weeks back and she really has captured everything I'd like to say a whole lot better then I ever could. If you have some time, please go back and read her post. Your h at this time is trying to push your buttons and trying to pick fights with you, as well as trying to play on the emotions of both you and your son. It's his childish game right now, and yes, he's a child himself at this time. You're doing a good job detaching, but now is the time when it's very important to detach even more and if possible let what he says just roll off your back. He's trying to goad you big time.
Checking out al-anon may be a good idea for your piece of mind, if you're up to it, but please don't let your h know you're attending. Also, this isn't the right time to mention his drinking to him. He's in child mode and he will resist and resent it big time and do just the opposite of what you say.
Snodderly also has some good threads on depression over on the mlc board, i don't recall the title thread right now, something like the eyes of a visitor or something is one. There's some great information there that may be very helpful to you. Take care.
I get alot out of reading these posts from others! It's a ripple effect and ends up helping more people than the one they post too.
I hope knowing that your H is still in replay doesn't depress you. Afterall he is home and that was a hugh step! This is a longer journey for some than for others.
So don't feel bad, my journey looks like a very long one! Hang in there, I think you are great and handling it all very well!
You have had another busy week and I'm just getting back up to speed here...
((( Cathy )))
I can not even begin to compare what it is like to be in your shoes, but you are an AMAZING woman!!!
You know what you want and will stand firm and fight for it. You know what unconditional love is and have the strength to give it.
... and what such great support and advise you've been getting and I would agree on checking out Al-Anon. Cyber (((hugs))) & long distance words can only go so far, but seeing the support in one's expression when you talk to them face-to-face is so much more.
Quote: When we got home I was putting his clothes away, the ones he put in to baskets and H wanted to know what I was putting them away? I didn't say anything and he said it again and then that he was moving out so why was I putting his stuff back into drawers. I said "because it's where they belong" and continued to put things away. H helped a little bit.
This little bit just sums it up. Your H is one verrrry confused pup!! ... and your response was so simple ... sooo right on the mark on so many levels that he couldn't help but get the message! When I read he started to help, I could help but smile .
Your H knows he is living in dark times right now and he is faced with a long and arduous road in front of him, but he does hear that you are keeping a place for him and you will leave the light on until he gets there.
and to go back a bit...
Quote: I don't have a way with words like so many other well respected DBers do, thus my hesitation to post to others. Although I do have days when I can be very articulate. For the most part have trouble putting thoughts to words.
Cathy, you could have copied this from on of my earlier threads! and sometimes it takes me a long time to type it all out (Which is why I don't get around as much as I would like...) , but its not so much how you say it that is important, but what you have to share that helps people the most and is of most value ... and I believe you have a LOTS of valuable thoughts to share. So please don't hold back.
Just wanted to wish you a wonderful day. Choose to have a good day today no matter what. Go to church if you go and say a special Sunday prayer. Then, focus on you and S. Do something fun...even if it's just going to McDonald's for an ice cream cone.
Cathy, Enjoyed our chat this morning. And BTW you have given me lots! Sometimes we don't know just how much we help others! But I can say you have helped me!
Thanks for stopping by, I did go back and read Snodderly's post to me at my last thread. I am accepting that H is still in replay.
Yesterday H found his gun cabinet that he wanted and purchased it. It's very heavy and he asked his two drinking buddies to come over and help him move it into our basement. Yes, this is the same person, who told me the night before that he was moving out. I went to see how it looked and said my hello's. I have not seen these guys since before this whole mess started. I do know that they are/were in support of my H staying in our marriage. Anyway as I was looking at them it occurred to me that as long as H was still hanging with these guys he was going to continue to drink. When I read your post Sting, my eyes opened and I do know see that H is in replay still and yes there is depression, but it's up and down like you said.
I'm out of the forest and it's very clear to me where H is at emotionally right now, the button pushing, anything he says does need to go right by me. H is so back and forth, says one thing then contradicts himself with the next thing. H is confused! So I see what I need to do here, also.
We had a nice dinner last night and talked a little. H said that OW was "stalking him" "tracking him down" still, so OW is still initiating contact with H. I didn't respond or ask H if he had been talking to her.
H also said he didn't know what he was doing that he could just flip a coin at this point and H said he told this to OW. I said to what make a decision? And H said "yep" So I said and then what flip it again? I mean I KNOW that he couldn't just flip a coin, that it wouldn't be that easy. He's been flipping coins the whole time and flipping and flipping. I really don't think he could just flip a coin and then go with that decision.
We then talked about H's drinking spell the other night. H at one point did say "when I can't remember anything, it's time to think about quitting drinking."
Thank you all so much for your wondeful support, I TRULY do not know where'd I be without this BB?
I'm going to watch my BB game for awhile and then come back here. H had to go watch it with his buddies, which is fine, I could tell he was edgy today, like a caged lion. H did take a drive this morning, have no idea where he went either. SS came over and played with his little brother.
I went to the mall and it felt sooo good to be there..I'm having a great day, a nice relaxing day.
Oh and H made breakfast this morning!! Eggs and sausage and I thanked him and you know what he said "well I didn't see you jumping to do it" lol...H told me last night he was going to make breakfast...he just can't accept my "thank you's" AND H said to me last night "you're not mad that I bought that cabinet are you?" I said no, I cringed everytime I went into the downstairs bedroom and saw those guns there..The old me would have been mad that he spent the money and blah, blah, but hey we needed it and H is going to spend his money no matter what I say, I have accepted that for now.
. 
and sometimes it takes me a long time to type it all out (Which is why I don't get around as much as I would like...) , but its not so much how you say it that is important, but what you have to share that helps people the most and is of most value ... and I believe you have a LOTS of valuable thoughts to share. So please don't hold back.
I went to see how it looked and said my hello's. I have not seen these guys since before this whole mess started. I do know that they are/were in support of my H staying in our marriage. Anyway as I was looking at them it occurred to me that as long as H was still hanging with these guys he was going to continue to drink. When I read your post Sting, my eyes opened and I do know see that H is in replay still and yes there is depression, but it's up and down like you said.