...and another WAS

[Pyrite]

Mr Bond, I'm glad you got us off tack. I want to save the marriage because I love her. Nothing to do with her domestic skills.

We lived together for 5.5 years before getting married. Her domestic skills have actually improved and it was even a joke between us. It is not a big issue, and really i only mention it to illustrate our daily life. the R was under pressure, mainly because of me, and i was under pressure too. i didn't have time to settle, reflect, check my ego etc. Weeknights, the first time i sat down was for dinner and the next time was when i took the oldest to bed (with a wet T-shirt from dishes, every night). Weekends were pretty much the same. I haven't watched TV in 4 years. My schedule was flat out every day. Her behaviour of not putting anything away, or shutting a drawer, or keeping every piece of paper that comes into the house did not help.

She took it for granted until it had already grown to be a resentment issue for me. I was stupid, and I kicked myself even at the time. She would offer to do the dishes or something, and my attitude always found some excuse not to graciously accept, even criticise her at times. As I realised from Zeus' discussion of this issue, I set her up to fail. Unless she did do the dishes, cook, clean, be a wife etc exactly as I had EXPECTED, then I would resent her for it. And this resentment built up. The sad truth is that without this kick in the head I never would've realised this in the same light. I knew it to be the case, but on a really superficial level. I mean i didn't see it as a fault in me per se. With some issues I did, but I couldn't understand why, and without the time, harbouring resentment already, I didn't explore this any further. Also, even if she had met my expectations, I'm sure I would've just shifted them.

In short, the "pig" issue is not a big deal. there were aspects of her personality which i do consider to be real issues. And others, including her parents, have noted this. BUT I knew these things 12 years ago. I accepted them then, and pretty much always have. They have contributed to where we are, and I believe for her sake she should deal with them. BUT (again), this is not my concern. My concern is me. My behaviour is really what destroyed the M. Not hers. Hers may have eventually, but we'll never know that and it doesn't matter now anyway. In so far as being verbally or openly disrespectful, I certainly have in the last few months. My attitude has been for years.