Tell me about it zephyr! So he won't even look at me now. Barely utters a word. He is like an opposite to the other day. I know I need to focus on me but is this normal and how do I play it? The other day he was saying how lousy he feels treating his baby like this and me like this and bla bla. Is this just confusion? Ugh I just feel like by having sex with him I've allowed him to cake eat. He was telling me he was thinking how to tell the ow about us and letting her go. And now this I feel like talking to him, because the other day we were saying bout being honest with each other. So do I question him, or leave him to it and stay distant?
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Stick to your plan... Things have been getting better when you do. When we start to vere from your plan...we see the bad reactions. I swear it is as if they know they have u right where they want us. It is when we work on us, make our changes and stick to the plan ... The dynamic is changed. I still fall victim to my emotions and needs to often. Stay strong
Cherry, just got a little caught up with you. I can speak from my experience, beware the pendulum swing.
I feel like the sex my H and I had at the end of our S lead into piecing, or was a major paver...we did start connecting again and there was love in his eyes...but. One day he put his wedding ring on again, and I really wish he hadn't now.
If their heart is following along out of guilt, duty, or whatever else and isn't leading...idk. Idk if sex is a bad idea IF you can stay detached and not try to read too much into it. It just seemed there was a big recoil out of it all. But I do know it moved the situation.
Not trying to hijack, just sharing in case it's useful.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
This is tricky and I'm not sure anyone can tell you what to do. An instruction guide would be nice, but it doesn't work that way. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with. It's perfectly acceptable to tell him you will not live in an open marriage. IMO, you need to be strong and firm with him. Your words need to be backed up with action though. In other words, say what you are going to do if he doesn't end the A and then actually do it. If you aren't ready to do something don't say that you are.
In general DB tells you not to start R talks. Maybe it's worth letting this sit until the next time he starts an R talk. At that point state your boundaries and back them up.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Ugh we talked. He was honest and admitted he had seen the OW. He made out that he is in a hole and doesn't know what to do how to get out. I was annoyed he even discussed it with her- she has no right to be part of this- especially when about a month ago she claimed she didn't know about the marriage and was gonna stay away from him (naive to believe that I know). I did remain calm and poised throughout- even though he was basically trying to deny the things he said the other day. Like how he said he was thinking of telling her he was committing to the m. I thought seems as he appears to be cake eating, it was the perfect time to lay boundaries- I will not remain living with him if he goes ahead with d (his plan). I also will remain friendly for the sake of our child- we will not be friends (another of his plans some best buddy hanging out thing). I feel he knows where I stand. I've made all this clear the past few days, as well as I want to work on the m- but I know I will be fine if not. I am majorly pissed- I thought I'd go to my room and cry, I don't feel like wasting tears. I'm just angry. So back to the plan. I won't have another of these discussions with him. I'll continue to be detached but appear friendly and contented in my own little bubble. Annoys me he talks to her more though about our m.. I do bet he missed the sex out though.. I feel I have backslid.. And I questioned him about ow. Ugh
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
This post will not be helpful in any way because I'm just pouring gas on a fire, but after reading these threads I am just so tired of these home-wreckers. Do these people think they're being nice to "comfort" someone that is going through such a hard time? Does it make them feel important? Are they feeding on some sense of being needed? Or do they think it's not making a negative impact? Or that they can help save the person somehow? Or are they trying to cut in? WT_?
I get that the WAS is in a fog, but why are these people getting in the middle?
I'll tell you, I had a co-worker I was friends with for years that told me that he was involved with a M woman. I gave him a come to jesus meeting like he's never heard before and ended my friendship with him. I literally showed him these forums and talked about how he what he was doing was destroying real lives. Spin it how you want, but it's more despicable than anything. I'd rather a drug dealer give my kid his first shot of heroin.
OK, just had to vent a little. Sorry Cherry. Stay strong and walk tall. Oh, and one R talk won't make or break anything. I think it was important actually so you could restate your boundaries. You gave him a taste of what he'll be missing, that was important too. Couldn't have planned it better. Now detach, GAL, and be the awesome woman you seem to be. And keep posting!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Oh wow. Cherry, I'm so sorry. Sounds like you handled as best you could. And INMO, you have to ask about the OW as much jerking around as he's done, or you would have been willingly placing your head in the sand.
Well done on the boundaries.
YOU are the strong, stable, mature one right now. Hold your head high, let him do as he pleases, you can't have regrets.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Cherry, I'm so sorry. And you've been doing great. H & I discussed OW for a couple of months at my instigation before I dropped the rope on that. He even started complaining to me that she wasn't very nice to him!
One convo like this doesn't mean a huge backslide. It's a case of learning from what has happened, moving forward and not making the same mistakes again and again...
It seems clear that your H is in a hole and is confused. He may not climb out of that hole any time soon. It's hard to climb out, you know....
This is why detaching is so important, because he'll pull you over the edge and into that hole with him if you let him. But you won't let him of course. I know that about you already Cherry.
Push the 'forwards' button now.....you can do this...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Guys thank you all, you keep me sane!! I do think stuff like this helps me to detach in a way. As I think the whole situation is ridic. Got up, had a business meeting. So made myself look fabulous. My mom looked after baby for me. Everyone kept telling me I look amazing- major confidence boost as now I'm really starting to believe it. Meeting seemed to go well. Saw h briefly, I acted cool calm happy etc- confuse him a bit, he was friendly back just looks so unbelievably depressed. He asked me what I was going to do. I said I was going to enjoy the rest of my day. He honestly does seem in a hole. But like you say, I ain't joining you honey!! I'm gonna focus on me, my career, being a mom. He is more than welcome to be part of this life. If not. Oh baby, he will regret it and he knows it!!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
