Gg, while I agree with you that it is everything about how people feel, I disagree to an extent about proximity. The way I look at it is...forgive my analogy...
When I see her, we light the fire, and it starts to burn again. She is reminded of how it used to be, and how it can still be. But because I am not there to continue to throw kindling on it, it starts to die out. OM...is pouring water on it. How can the fire last without someone there to continuously keep it alive, and the only time it gets more kindling is once every few months?
---------------- Something I forgot to write last, was that she had mentioned she wants to start up an online journal again, together, for us to share our thoughts.
We had this when I was deployed, and it was nice to just be able to post things not directly related to the other person, but just in general how we feel.
She wants to do this again.
Idk how i feel about it, i have mixed thoughts. On the one hand, its a really good chance for me to show exactly how i feel, no strings attached, BAM this is T's feelings. I can also obviously write whatever i want and i know she'll read it...and it will give me an opportunity into her feelings as well...
On the other hand, do i really want to be that honest? Because I know she will read it and idk how much she can take.
Thoughts? Should I agree to share this journal?
Thank you guys as always, wouldn't know what I would do without you all
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
I'm not sure on what you should do re the journal.
My thoughts and they do come form the perspective that proximity has nothing to do with feelings.
Is that she is wanting you to participate in something that keeps you and her connected emotionally on some level and if I was your new wife it would make me personally in comfortable for that reason.
Why does she need to know how you are feeling? She's done right? She's not interested in t any more. I forget if you have children but even if so why do you need a close emotional tie with a woman who doesn't want a r is in active a with an om?
Me personally I see it as her temping you to see if your still waiting thus giving her support via emaontal needs the om is not meeting.
The om is not what you think, especially if she needs and online journal from you.
Did you set a personal boundary of nc while she is with om?
Someone else might have differencing views.
Last edited by Ggrass; 04/09/1512:03 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Idk, TLEE, you know your wife...but it could be that this OM is really a ... friend? I know that's delusional for 99.9 percent of people here. But - if your W has lost little girl issues, it could be a male friend gives her something a female one doesn't? IDK. I've had a lot of wine and am typing from a gut. Do you know if anything has been physical? And, do you have any reason to believe your W would lie to you about this repeatedly? I'm not saying she doesn't have a crush, and maybe I'm missing something, but what is the deal exactly again?
The online journal...
It could be a path to understanding and reconnecting. It could leave you feeling like you're standing out there naked for someone who doesn't deserve to know your thoughts.
Is your journal in response style, like this forum, or is it really just a journal? If so...man. I would jump at the chance. (If I believed my H wasn't truly sociopathic or messed up and manipulative and I thought he would be real...but I digress.)
If it is a journal of interior monologues and events you give each other access to...and you both get the chance to be authentic and share your experiences and thoughts...what is the harm? It could a) bring you closer, b) make you realize you're not for her (or vice versa)
But I think most of us here would love to have a chance at our spouse wanting to share, just share, anything, to be heard and have the chance to hear. Without pressure or agendas.
Could you do it without any expectations? Maybe to limit your 'speech' of each other and those buttons until a one month trial or so of just journaling about the other aspects of your life to see how comfortable you may be?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I think you are asking for your tender heart to get trampled on. WW is in an infatuation EA/PA an addiction to this scuzzy OM. Until she is free of it, you are dangling.
From your words I see you believe you are in competition with OM. You aren't WW is in with OM. Why lower your dignify to compete in a EA/PA which will eventually burn out. If you 'win' WW it is a shallow victory if your issues remain unresolved. Tlee work on you in this time and space available.
I like Ggs response, the analogy of the fire is weak and the little remaining kindling is already wet and unlikely to burn even if lit. You are assuming that you and OM are in control of this fire. This isn't the case, it's WW own fire to control not yours or OM. There is no 'we' to light the fire. WW is in a new grate with the good kindling and her addiction is burning the kindling, very fast and bright.
If WW wants back in to an R with you then it won't be through journal entries, as for me I would be concerned that OM may have access to this too and discuss it with WW. My H shared my texts with a POW which I considered a serious breach of confidentiality.
It is so tough TLee. I wish you to decide wisely
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/09/1512:51 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
That's a real thought nilla, the ow in my stich has full acess to my texts and emails to h.
In fact some of h replies didn't even sound like him. I would to be scared like nilla suggets that om will be in on these.
I would leave them in the marriage pile. The marriage is gone so is the journal connection.
When I knew I wasn't going back to xh1 I refused to do anything to give him hope. I think he still holds out hope. 11 years later, but he doesn't have a job and with his past anger issues and threats to kill me. It's just no no!
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
TLEE86 - You want someone who wants to be with you. Really wants it. Not someone you're going to drag into the R. Not someone who's fire for you needs to be tended every minute. You need to let WW show that she wants you. Be the best man you can be and let her come back. Don't bait her, trap her, convince her, reason her. Build your self-confidence as a man deserving of intense love. Let her see it and decide for herself. It's the only way it's going to work.
I encourage you to look up for an article called "Fcuk Yes or No" by Mark Manson and reflect on the kind of person you want to be with. Here's an extract:
Quote:
Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you? What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
TLEE86 - You want someone who wants to be with you. Really wants it. Not someone you're going to drag into the R. Not someone who's fire for you needs to be tended every minute. You need to let WW show that she wants you. Be the best man you can be and let her come back. Don't bait her, trap her, convince her, reason her. Build your self-confidence as a man deserving of intense love. Let her see it and decide for herself. It's the only way it's going to work.
I encourage you to look up for an article called "Fcuk Yes or No" by Mark Manson and reflect on the kind of person you want to be with. Here's an extract:
Quote:
Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you? What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?
