Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

I feel living apart has helped, I cannot imagine living with my XW unless it was the only option I had.

When the papers were in motion I still treated her like my W and felt there was hope there. I should have known better. I remember the wild emotional swings I would go through while seeing her. I was really strongly attached to her and her emotions. Having my own house has really helped with the detachment.

At the end I was lucky enough to have space inside the house before I moved. It still wasn't enough. I could hear when she would get home and I would find myself waking up around midnight knowing that she was not home. It was emotional torture.

The journey forward so far has had it's rough patches. It is not smooth and linear. I have not cried hard about the D yet which really has me confused. At times I can well up with tears and have a quick 30 second sob if I hear the right song at the wrong time. I also well up with emotion when having fun with the kids. Their love and happiness is what keeps me going.

Seeing the kids happy and moving forward with trying to deal with my grief has me in an angry phase right now. Angry for a lot of reasons, but I would like to theoretically choke my XW for the pain she has brought into our lives with the OM.

The book I am reading has me pegged right now with its description that nice guys harbor rage deep down inside them. This is very true of how I feel right now, I definitely have rage inside me.

I know one day I will be able to forgive myself and the XW for what has happened. If I don't forgive I feel it will be detrimental to my emotional state. Right now I don't want to forgive, and I am good with that decision.

What has helped me through the beginning of moving forward is the Wayward Wife threads that Sandi has been posting to. They are a wealth of information that has me understanding how the XW may have been feeling and why she has been doing what she did.

Hang in their Closer, I will check up on your thread, I haven't been on as much as before but I still lurk every other day.