I'm sorry you're having such a difficult week, but I really think you're showing such strength, love and grace through it.
Quote: I really don't know that Al-Anon will help, maybe it will, but at this point I don't want to go somewhere and then have people telling me what it is I should do..which is what I feel will happen if I go to Al-Anon.
I also grew up with an alcoholic dad (which I may have said already). And I believe that the alcohol does make a sitch worse, much like drugs or depression or a mental health issue might also do.
My experience of Al-Anon as a concept, if you're interested, is positive and very much about what you've already been doing--detachment from H's drama. Group meeting dynamics depend on who's in the meeting.
Cathy, you're a very strong woman and even if you do encounter those who would tell you what to do (and we all run into those people), remember that YOU are the one who makes the choices for YOUR LIFE (and S4 of course).
It's vitally important to our own long-term happiness that we each ultimately make the choices that are about who WE are and are true to OUR conscience and values. It's easy for other people to tell you their opinions-- and sometimes those opinions may have lots of valuable kernals of information that will help you decide what's next or sort out your feelings and course of action. Even the ones that are hard to listen to. Especially if they've been there.
But in the end, it is up to YOU and YOU need to feel good about yourself and how you decide to live your life. Sometimes all it takes is a polite reminder of that those who think they know what is best for you.
There isn't anyone who can decide that for you-- not even the folks at Al-Anon. All they can do is give you some tools that might be of help. Sort of like the BB.
Try Alanon for yourself. Take what you want and leave the rest is a great phrase for the advice and suggestions you will receive.
I drank because I was lonely and felt unloveable and was hell bent on destroying myself. I did a good job of it. I've probably lost my H and my house and for a while my S. I am entering treatment and have to go to jail. Your H doesn't have to let it get to that point...but he may.
You have got to take care of yourself. Put your foot down and tell him no alcohol in the house and not to come home if he has been drinking. Tell him to get himself a motel room or stay with friends. Tell him you love him and want him to be the sober loveable great H he is capable of being. Tell him how it is affecting your S. And here's a thought. Do you have a videocamera? Tape him when he is drunk. Let him see himself. It may just shake him up enough to realize what a fool he is being.
However, if he isn't ready to stop drinking...he won't stop. If he tries to stop....embrace him. If he falls short of the mark, don't overlook it...but don't dwell on it. Encourage him to try try again. Let him know you are behind him getting sober 100%.
And tell him what a good job he is doing when he is sober...positive reinforcement goes miles and miles for alcoholics. We need to know that we are loved and we need to know that our efforts are appreciated.
It's hard to get sober. Alcohol is everywhere. It's harder still being a drunk. After a while the alcohol doesn't kill the pain anymore and it just makes it worse. The guilt and shame we feel after getting drunk is horrible...so we drink again to kill those feelings. And the cycle goes on and on and on.
I guess I could answer any questions you had, Cathy. I'll do my best to be honest and speak from my experience as an alcoholic.
For me, God has played a huge role in my sobriety. I had to replace alcohol with spirituality. Hugs and prayers, Akgal
Thank you for coming by to share with Cath...NO ONE can speak to the pain, and difficulty of recovery like someone who's lived it themselves. For all the people on these BB's whether they're living with someone who is battling the disease, in recovery OR fighting the disease themelves...every word you share from YOUR perspective gives them hope and helps THEM to heal too. T2
Cathy, Everything I said in the post above is a SUGGESTION not an order...it came across a bit orderish...is that a word, orderish?...lol...anyway, that's not how I meant it.
Your H is in pain, but so are you. You need to really focus on doing what you feel you need to do for yourself and your S.
Cathy, I can tell you that if your H decides to get sober, you will find that he is a new and much better man. He will love you so much more for having stood by him and having supported him in his attempt to get sober.
If you can not handle waiting for him to make the decision to sober up, however, don't put yourself through more than you have to go through. YOU are the most important person in this picture right now...because YOU have to take care of S and if you don't take care of YOU, then YOU can't take care of S.
Only you know what is really best for you.
Trust yourself. Again, these are suggestions, not orders.
I really hope that I explain this properly what I'm being given right now.
Your husband is not in the same place, but it looks like he is in the same place. At this time last year, there was no guilt whatsoever, or struggle to get through what he is having to get through.
You and your husband have swapped shoes. He is feeling what you went through, only he hides it behind the alcohol and you faced it head on. You are feeling the coldness that he felt so that you can better understand where he was at and how easy it is to want to get rid of someone when you feel the way that he did.
Do you understand what I am getting at? In order for you to see where he was, you have to go through what he went through. In order for him to see where you were and felt, he has to go through this. He ran to the bottle and you ran to the Bible. You both handled the situations differently.
Yet you are starting to understand how he felt. The shutting down of the emotions. Realizing that you don't feel bad about what the person is going through and that they can no longer push your buttons in order to make you feel guilty.
I really hope this is making sense. I have a clear picture of exactly what I am talking about, but I'm not sure if it is coming across right. There are so many things that you are both going to experience right now and you have to in order to complete this journey.
He has to understand what it is tht you went through and you must understand what it is that he went through. The only way to do that, is to feel what the other person felt during that time.
All those questions that you were asking yourself, were probably questions that he had asked himself when he was going through this in the beginning, but now they are more like why did I do this, how can I stop this, what do I need to do, how can I face the things that I have done.
He wants his mind to stop, but it is not going to stop until he faces things and repents of them. You are doing great and you are becoming very strong. Keep asking the Lord what it is that you need to do. He has your heart turned off in the manner that he has it for a reason. He is protecting you as well as showing you what your husband was feeling during that time.
Neither one of you are where you were a year ago. You never will be again either. As long as you keep standing firm and doing the things that you are doing and listening to the Lord, your rewards are going to be great!
Thank you for all the support, I might check into Al-Anon. To be very honest it scares me to put myself out there, I know, I know I need to get over it.
My fears are: That I will run into somebody I know. That I will have to speak or I will be put on the spot before I'm ready. I have to feel very comfortable in a group situation before I can contribute anything, it's a problem of mine, ask anybody I work with.... ..
So that said I will consider this and make some calls.
Last night we went out to a sports bar and watched b-ball games, had a few drinks. We stood for most of the game, but eventually found a place to sit so we could eat.
We talked a bit, H asked how my life was..I said good. H asked if I was happy. I said yes I was, I found my inner peace. H said "no you're not" I just ignored him. H said he wasn't happy and what if he needed to move out? I said will that make you happy? And H said no.
H was not in a good mood. We talked about boats. I asked him what kind if he wanted and he said "procraft" and I said what? It's at OW's...I said I thought you didn't like that one and is OW giving it to you? H said she wanted to..H was just blowing smoke and I played along with his little mind game...H didn't get the reaction out of me that he was hoping for so he dropped the subject. That was maybe the only time is smiled all night..when he was make a jab at me.
I did ask H if he remembered the night before and he said no, nothing. So I told him what he said to S about moving out and S wanted to go with him and H said S couldn't.. I wish I would have had a movie camera!! H felt bad I could see it in his eyes, he looked away.
Laurie,
It's sinking in what your saying--it's like algebra--I'm not getting it right now--but I will work it out--and then have the light bulb moment.
H did bring up his wanting to go to OW when really drunk and not when he was sober, asked if I had figured it out---I said it was Satan. H didn't like that comment or maybe didn't know what I was saying or talking about. H didn't go to her the other night..for whatever reason.
H was pretty quiet most of the evening. When we got home I was putting his clothes away, the ones he put in to baskets and H wanted to know what I was putting them away? I didn't say anything and he said it again and then that he was moving out so why was I putting his stuff back into drawers. I said "because it's where they belong" and continued to put things away. H helped a little bit.
H is not telling me anything about plans he has until he has too. H stopped after work for a drink before he came home, last night he was depressed and not a happy person
I am praying all the time for H. Except I don't have a prayer closet or do I, I don't quite understand what it is. What comes to mind is the movie "Carrie" and her closet--not a good memory.
I'm turning to God like I never have before and I'm jus tnow thinking what did people do before there was an Al-Anon?
I'll be back on later, little guy wants to play his computer games..
LOL, Cathy, the prayer closet is from Charlyne of Rejoice Ministries. She always went in her bathroom and closed the door... her H wondered if she had some major stomach upsets or something... For me it is the end of my chaise, I get on my knees there. Anyplace you have privacy... it is just a term.
Lots of positives, although they are so difficult to see: 1. Your H knows he is not happy. He is trying to find his happiness. You can continue to show him the foundation of your happiness in your actions. 2. Your H is opening up to you. Like an inch worm, yes. 3. Your H does have days he doesn't drink. Maybe you should write these down. Keep track. Then you will know if it is getting better.
Hang in there.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: My fears are:That I will run into somebody I know. That I will have to speak or I will be put on the spot before I'm ready
Let's alleviate those fears. First of all NO ONE that attends al-anon or AA for that matter is forced to speak. Many attendees choose to sit quietly at their first few meeting until THEY become comfortable with the group. NO ONE is required or forced to share. As for 'running into someone you might know....so what, if they're there it's because they NEED the room and support too. There is a saying in those rooms that goes, "What's said here STAYS here." It's an oath (so to speak) that alanon and AA members take VERY seriously. T2
T2 is right on. You can always just say who you are and say that you are there to listen and learn. That's all you'd need to say.
You may be surprised though, hearing others' stories may lead you to open up and do some good venting. Also, YOU may indeed know someone there...but guess what? They are there, too! See what I mean? You may even find some good friends who will help you through this time.
Your h is going to be selfish and self-centered as long as he continues to drink. Hence his little head games; he is trying to keep the focus on himself and his wants and needs. H thinks he is the center of the universe right now.
You need to make yourself and your S the center of your own universe. Take care of your needs. Take care of your son's needs.
Eat right. Exercise...even if it's just taking a walk with S. Get the right amount of sleep. Take care of your home. Visit with good friends.
Hang in there and do try alanon. It can't hurt. If you don't like it, no one will force you to go back. What have you got to lose?
Keep your faith. Prayers and hugs going out to you, Akgal
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I wish I would have had a movie camera!! H felt bad I could see it in his eyes, he looked away.