Out of the blue he calls me this am. He sounds down asks me how I am holding up. I stay positive and let him know I am doing fine. In return, I ask him how he is doing and he responds not so well. I'm just tired of the driving and just ready for this to all be over with.
I don't even recall how I responded but it was with empathy. Later in the day today, I was thinking about how down he was so I sent him a quick text. It was probably dumb and I should just leave him alone but that is hard to do when you care deeply for someone. And the problem is I still care and still love him.
I told him that despite everything, he was an amazing man and father and you were an amazing husband. Things will get better. We are both stressed right now but I wanted him to know just cause there are some bad things it doesn't take away from the many more good things. I told him is a great person. He seemed down this morning so he needed to cheer up, he would find happiness and a new equilibrium. I then suggested that he pick an activity that he enjoys but hasn't done in a while and just go do it. That it would make a huge difference in his outlook.
I'm feeling lost... Over 12 years of marriage and over 15.5 years together is hard to give up. But I'm staying positive in front of the spouse and I'm doing things I enjoy. I signed up for a social club (yes it is for singles) not so that I could go find a new husband but so that I have something to do when the kids visit with him and so I can do things I enjoy doing and meet other people who like what I do as well. It has been too long since I have had any type of adult interaction that didn't include colleagues at work or my spouse. I need something to do that is wholesome and fun and quite frankly bars aren't it. But going to a baseball game, competing in a trivia night, horseback riding, murder mystery dinner theatre, salsa dancing, and possibly even rock climbing all sound like so much fun. Like things that I have always wanted to do but couldn't because my spouse didn't want to do them or didn't want to do them with me.
I'm looking forward to attending my first event soon just don't know which one it will be yet. In the meantime, I'm doing what I have to do because my husband wants a divorce and following the advice of GAL and communicating mainly as needed. I'm back to tracking what I eat and exercising more like I should be and I haven't gained anything and am on track to lose again this week even though I have slacked some.
I don't know if I am doing the right things to bring him around to halting the divorce but I'm also not going to sit around crying myself sick. I want to be the fun-loving, social person that I was when we met. I enjoyed doing things and I enjoyed being around other people. Somewhere along the line it became less about what made me happy and more about what I thought made everyone else happy.
I was pleasantly surprised by the phone call seeing as it was at 4:30 am. Interesting time to call and have a chat. But it absolutely made the rest of my day positive and maybe that is why I felt like returning the favor and letting him know he isn't such a bad guy. I may not approve of his resolution to our issues but I don't have to throw a fit cause all that does is make me look like an ass. Maybe he comes around, maybe he doesn't. I'd rather he did but I keep asking myself if he did would I have to go back to being my unhappy anti-social self or would I be able to embrace my active outgoing loving self again? I know that if I have to keep giving up what makes me well ME and what makes me happy, that I wouldn't be able to do this that I would be the one who filed next time. He has to want to do things because it makes me happy and he has to want it to work as much as I do and then he has to work just as hard as I do to make it work.
