I hope you don't feel judged here. You're in a very tough place, and it would be wrong for any one of us to tell you how to live your life without being in your shoes.
Your H has a really tough problem. And it's affecting every single aspect of his life. It's affecting his health, probably his work relationships, his M and his R with his children.
His problem also happens to be a disease. Until he admits that he's powerless over his problem without God's help, and prays for His help and guidance to get and stay sober, it's going to be a roller coaster ride for you.
I mentioned Al-Anon for a reason. It's not from a slant of telling you that you're screwed up and need help... in fact, it is quite the opposite. You are NOT screwed up, but you love someone who is.
Cathy, I grew up in a house where alcohol was used to medicate. Though my parents are not alcoholics, they have a tendency to pour a glass of whatever when they're edgy and use it as a social reason to indulge. Mr. W comes from a family like your H.
They simply cannot/will not function without medicating first--before they problem solve.
My brother is a drug addict and alcoholic. You can love someone from a detached perspective but not enable them or allow them to fuzzy YOUR boundaries in the process.
I was taught to hold everyone else to a high standard but to make excuses for my brother because "he is sick". It basically confused the heck out of me. I chose men who were sick because I was so used to making excuses for why they treated me shabbily. And I learned how NOT to ask for what I wanted or how NOT to tell them that the way they acted toward me or others was unacceptable.
My family life was so miserable I moved all by myself from VA to CA--as far as I could get to get away from their problems. I had become the family mediator, marriage counselor to my parents and the one who was expected to think clearly. And I was 25 years old.
My problems found me in the Bay Area, though. I had all of them packed in the moving van but no support network. When I got migraines so bad I couldn't work, the doctor I was seeing told me to go get C. I did that, and she immediately recommended I head to Al-Anon.
I heard stories that were similar to yours. I wasn't married then, and didn't have kids, but I stuck with the program well until after I met Mr. W. With the help of some really great folks, I realized that I had no skill in setting boundaries with others because of how I was instructed to deal with my brother.
And if I hadn't have learned how to do that, I would be parenting the same way--teaching my girls to do the same thing all in the name of love.
Love doesn't mean that you lay yourself down on the sidewalk and encourage that one you love to step all over you so that they can continue to drink/use drugs and make excuses to others. You can love them without doing so. In fact, you SHOULD be doing so. If you DO act like you have a stake in his problem, you are an enabler--co dependent as they say in the 12 step vernacular.
You are not part of his problem, which means you are also not part of the solution.
Until your H wants to get sober, you can throw books at him or bring others who are sober to meet him--and nothing will happen (except you will be disappointed).
I'm not saying that bringing the 12 step book home is a bad idea--and maybe he'll be inclined to understand that this problem is now manifested itself into epic proportions and force him to see himself that way.
Every recovering alcoholic will tell you the moment they realized that they couldn't go on one minute longer living to drink. Often that moment of truth occurs when they see love from the ones they hurt the most.
(((((Cathy))))) I could never judge you for this. And if I do, I really need to go back and take a good look in the mirror--because my life isn't that different from yours.
Big hugs, special one.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
